JOKES and other FUNNY stuff

Accidental Accident Reports

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Doggie Style

A girl went to the doctor with her knees all cut up. The doctor said, "What happened to your knees?"

She replied, "It's from making love doggie-style."

The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other position besides doggie style?"

She said, "Yeah...but my doggie doesn't."

Understanding Computer Technology

Please Engage Brain Before Speaking

Creative writing

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

• religion
• royalty
• sex
• mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Classroom humor

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Priest, Pilot, and Lawyer

A priest, Pilot, and a lawyer, were on an airplane transporting orphan kids to another orphanage, when suddenly there was trouble with the plane. The pilot goes " We all have to evacuate and parachute down, but the children are are our first priority." The lawyer being the greedy selfish slimeball that he is says: " FUCK THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at him and says: " Do you think we have time?".

I Am Always Farting

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life."

The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week.

He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible."

To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working again, lets work on your farting"

Like a good challenge???

A man became ship-wrecked on an island and the natives had given him three challenges. If he succeeded the challenges then his life would be spared.

There were three huts. The first contained five gallons of rum that he would have to consume. The second hut had a lion with a sore tooth and he would have to remove the tooth. The third hut had a woman who has never been satisfied and he would have to please her sexually.

So he enters the first hut and he succeeded the challenge. He had drunken the rum. He comes out and says with a slurred speech, "Hic... Ok, where's the second hut?" And so they led him to the lion with the sore tooth.

It was like war had broken out in hut number two. The walls were shaking. The roof was bouncing. The lion was roaring. The man was screaming. Skin and hair was flying out the windows... and so too was the man thrown out of the window. The natives ran to him. "Hic..." the man says with his speech still slurred "Hic... Alright... where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Roses Does It Every Time

Two ladies were walking down the street. One notices her husband walking out of a florist with a dozen red roses and says to her friend, "Well, you know what this means... I'll have to lay on back with my legs open for the next three days!"

Her friend replied, "Whoa... why don't you just get a vase?"

Clean Hands

When Fred asked for 2 pies and some dim sims at the local takeaway he was impressed to see Luigi use tongs to place the food in a paper bag.

"Yes sir" said Luigi,responding to Freds comments "we are very clean here,always use tongs.No hands ever touch the food."

As Fred turned to leave he noticed a piece of string hanging from Luigi's fly and asked its purpose.

"All part of the hygiene program," said Luigi."When I go to the toilet I simply pull it out with the string. Not touched with human hands."

Fred was about to leave when the obvious question prompted him. "How do you get it back in your pants?"

"With the tongs" said Luigi.

Albino

A missionary was placed at a very remote village in Africa. He was the only white man for many, many miles. When an albino child was born in the village, everyone suspected the missionary.

The chief called the man into his hut to discuss the event. Try as he might, the missionary was unable to explain the concept of an albino as a genetic mistake. Finally he saw a flock of white sheep and a single black lamb grazing in a meadow. He pointed to the flock and said "See how a flock of white sheep can have a lamb of a different color?"

The chief nodded knowingly and said "I understand. If you won't tell, I won't tell."

Gorilla in a tree

A guy looks out his window one morning and sees a big gorilla in the tree in his back yard. He calls the animal warden, asking for help. Later that day, a truck pulls up to the house and the warden gets out, carrying a double-barreled shotgun and leading a bad-ass dog.

The guy asks the warden, "How are you gonna get that ape out of my tree?"

"Alright, here's the plan," the warden says. "You hold this shotgun and I'll climb the tree and shake the branches till the ape falls out. Then this here trained dog will grab the ape by the balls and drag him into the truck."

The guy says, "Okay, but what's the shotgun for?"

The warden says, "If I fall outta that tree instead of the gorilla, you make goddamn sure you shoot that fuckin' dog!"

Hillbilly

Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, a hillbilly and his son travel to the big city for the first time. After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water.

After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, "So where's my water, boy?"

"Couldn't get any this trip, Pa. Some guy's sitting on the well."

Trucking

Did you hear about the trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill as was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman making love in the center of the highway? He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road and yelled, 'What's the hells the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.'

Notices Around The World

These are actual signs seen in hotels etc. around the world.

• In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

• Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

• On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

• In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

• In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

• In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

• At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

• In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

• In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

• In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

• In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

• In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

• In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

• In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

• In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

• On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

• In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

• In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

• In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

• In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

• On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

• In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

• Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

• In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

• In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

• A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

• On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

• Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

• In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

• In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

• In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

• From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

• From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

• Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

  • English well talking.
  • Here speeching American.

Lawyer Joke

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Lawyer Joke

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there. They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Lawyer Joke

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

Lawyer Joke

Two lawyers are in a bank. Suddenly, robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line up the customers, including the lawyers, and proceed to take their wallets and valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the hand of the other one.

Without looking down, the other guy asks, "What is this?"

First lawyer says, "It's the fifty bucks I owe you."

Confucious says...

1. Man like baby - want to suck tit all day.
2. Man who screw blender no longer man.
3. Some Men like guns - shoot blanks.
4. Men who put cream in tart not always bakers.
5. Man who walk in middle of road get hit by bus.
6. Man who let woman on top is fucking up.
7. Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
8. Sex on beach is like American beer - fucking near water.
9. Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
10. Schoolboy OK to masturbate as long as it's not against Principal.
11. Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
12. Wise man not play leapfrog with unicorn.
13. Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
14. Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
15. Man who kiss girl's behind get crack in face.
16. Man who snatch kiss when young, kiss snatches when old.
17. Girl who douche with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
18. Girls should not marry basketball players because they always dribble before they shoot.
19. He who fuck tailpipe may burn rod.
20. It take square ass to shit brick.
21. Woman who dance while wearing a jock strap have make believe ballroom.
22. A girls best asset is her liability ('lie'ability).
23. Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
24. Man who marries a girl with no bust has a right to feel low down.
25. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
26. He who fishes in another mans pond will often catch crabs.
27. Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
28. Wash your face in morning neck at night.
29. Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
30. He who refuses to listen is lying.
31. When lady says no, she mean maybe.
    When lady say maybe, she mean yes.
    When lady say yes, she no lady.
32. Woman who not practice sex before marriage is sentenced to an interminate length.
33. He who sniffs coke drowns.
34. Crowded lift smells different to midget.
35. Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
36. Man who piss into wind get wet.
37. Never eat yellow snow.
38. Boy who plays with himself pulls boner.
39. Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
40. Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
41. He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet.
42. He who sitteth on upturned tack shall sureley rise.
43. Even the greatest of whales is helpless in the desert.
44. The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
45. He who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
46. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk!
47. Preserve wildlife - pickle a hedgehog!
48. Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
49. Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!
50. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
51. Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok.
52. Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
53. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
54. Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
55. Man who fuck turkey eat stuffing.
56. Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
57. Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
58. Hockey player on ice have big stick.
59. Man who go to McDonald's eat out stinky meat.
60. Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
61. Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
62. Man who get paid pick up chick.
63. Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off.
64. Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
65. Man who eat pussy do lip service.
66. Man who fuck pig eat ham.
67. Pentocostal who pass out get laid in church.
68. Woman who turn back on lover get fucked over.
69. Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth.
70. Priest with dick in snow like cold one before mass.
71. Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.
72. Man with dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
73. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
74. Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
75. Man who paints on toilet door is a shithouse painter.
76. Is good for girl to meet boy in park but better for boy to park meat in girl.
77. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
78. Fool climb tree to get cherry. Wise man spread limbs.
79. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
80. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
81. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
82. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy.
83. Man who meows ate pussy!
84. Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.
85. Those who quote me are fools.
86. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
87. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
88. Work to become, not to acquire.
89. Show off always shown up in showdown.
90. Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock.
91. Man with no legs bums around.
92. Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
93. Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.
94. A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
95. Find old man in dark, not hard!
96. Confucius say too fucking much!
97. Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
98. It is Ok for shit to happen. Shit will decompose.
99. When in doubt, whip it out.
100. A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts.
101. Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
102. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
103. Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
104. Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.
105. Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.
106. Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit.
107. Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more.
108. Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
109. Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
110. No difference between man and mouse. Both end up in pussy.
111. Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
112. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
     Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
113. Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.
114. Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
115. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!
116. If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.
117. Man with athletic fingers make Broad Jump!
118. House without toilet is uncanny.
119. Many men smoke but Fu Manchu.
120. He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
121. While others are inside sitting down, you will be outstanding.
122. Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!
123. Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!
124. It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
125. Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.
126. Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.
127. Man who go out with flat chested woman feel shallow.
128. Man that have sex with hole in ground have piece on earth.
129. Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
130. Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring.
131. Woman with bleached blonde hair have black hair by cracky.
132. Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money.
133. Wife for life is better than wife for strife.
134. Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
135. Man who drive like hell bound to get there!
136. Girl with little red bike peddle ass all over town!
137. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
138. Girl who slides down banister nude gets splinters by crackey!
139. Rape no good. Woman run faster with dress up, than man can with pants down.
140. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
141. Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.
142. All blonde not blonde by cracky.
143. Man who sit on tack get point!
144. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!
145. Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!
146. Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new-key!
147. Woman who fly plane upside down have hairy crack up!
148. Man who has woman on ground has piece on earth!
149. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
150. Man who fart in church sit in his own pew!
151. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!

Top Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

FUCK

FUCK : Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

Greetings	"How the fuck are you?"
Fraud	"I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation	"Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble	"I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression	"FUCK YOU!!"
Disgust	"Fuck me running."
Confusion	"What the fuck.....?"
Difficulty	"I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair	"Fucked again...."
Pleasure	"I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure	"What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost	"Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief	"UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation	"Up your fucking ass!!"
Denial	"I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity	"I know fucking all about it."
Apathy	"Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Suspicion	"Who the fuck are you?"
Panic	"Let's get the fuck out of here!"
Directions	"Fuck off."
Disbelief	"How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."

It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."

It can be used in business- "How did I end up with this fucking job?"

It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."

It can be political- "Fuck Bob Dole!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll!" - Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of the Space Shuttle Challenger

"What fucking map?" - Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her" - Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney

"Why?- Because it's fucking there." - Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its going to fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy

Politics Made Simple

Do you have trouble understanding politics? If so, the following primer (thanks to the Manitoban - University of Manitoba) should clear it up for you. No bull.

Socialism	You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
Communism	You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
Capitalism	You sell one cow and buy a bull.
Facism	You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it.
Nazism	The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism	The government shoots one cow, milks the other,and pours the milk down the sink.
Anarchism	Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
Conservatism	Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
Liberalism	Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.

What He/She Really Means...

When He Says	He Really Means
Hello	Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you?	in bed, I mean.
Pleased to meet you.	I have an erection.
I'd like a discreet relationship.	I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days.	I have to spend some time with my wife.
I'm coming off a long relationship.	My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting.	I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced.	I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm self-employed.	I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister.	I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating.	I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon.	Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading.	Playboy and Penthouse.
I'm a novelist.	I have 10 unpublished books.
I have the Midas touch.	I install mufflers.
I play the market.	Safeway
I work high up in an executive office.	I'm a window washer.
I work with computers.	I'm a goofey nerd.
My job keeps me running.	I'm a messenger-boy.
I like a woman who is intelligent.	As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
My wife and I are separated.	She's at home and I'm here at the bar.
I love you	You're great in bed.
I'm fond of you	You're getting old and fat.
Of course I love you.	I'm getting back together with my wife.
Looking for a satisfying relationship.	I want sex.
I love opera.	I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
Do you like doing new things?	I want to do it doggie style.
When She Says	She Really Means
No.	Yes.
Of course I'm not upset.	Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you. Bob and I are seeing each other.	Bob and I are having sex.
I feel like I've known you my whole life.	I'm drunk.
Will you respect me in the morning?	You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date.	I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there.	Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you the first few times.
You're...so manly.	You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the bar Friday night?	I've been waiting by the phone for three days.
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's just see what happens.	I'm not taking any birth control pills.
You're certainly lovely tonight.	Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here. It must be fate.	I've been following you all day.
I'm particular about who I have sex with.	I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I'm not emotional and I'm not over-reacting.	I'm having my period.
Okay, but I hope you're not disappointed.	I'm flat chested.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap?	Want to come upstairs and have sex?
C'mon...just come upstairs for a drink.	Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge.	You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights.	I have flabby thighs.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don't know and I don't care.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."

Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"

Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

A: Outlaws are WANTED!

Cunnilingus is next to godliness.

The maid had just been discharged. Extracting five pounds from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all this time."

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Bill and Bob sitting at the bar. Pointing to Bob's dog licking his balls, Bill says " Why he does that all the time"?

Bob replies "because he can"

Bill "Yeah.....wish I could"

Bob "Buy him a beer and he'll let you"

The woman was very sick. Her husband took her to the doctor. The doctor looked at her. He called the husband out into the hall. He said " I've narrowed it down to two things, alzheimer's or aids".

The husband ask what he should do. The doctor said "Take her for a long ride in the country, throw her out, If she finds he way back home, don't fuck her".

A young woman is sitting on the bus cooing to her baby when a drunk staggers down the aisle. Stopping and weaving in front of her, he focuses on her and finally mutters, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my whole life."

The woman burst into tears. Looking at the commotion in his rear-view mirror, the driver stops the bus, goes back and glares at the drunk for a minute, then throws him off the bus.

Returning with his lunch pail to the young woman, he says, "Look, I don't know what the bum said to you, but to help calm you down, you can have my coffee."

He takes out a steaming thermos, pours her a cup of coffee and hands it to her. Digging back in the lunch pail, he takes out a banana. "And here--this is for your pet monkey."