The Airline Transport Pilot :
Leaps tall buildings at a single bound, is more powerful than a Boeing
747, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and discusses
policy with God.

The Multi-Engined Pilot:
Leaps short buildings at a single bound, is more powerful than a Boeing
707, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm
and talks to God

The Instrumental Pilot :
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable conditions, is
almost as powerful as a Learjet, nearly as fast as a speeding bullet,
walks on water of an indoor pool and talks to God if a special request
is made

The Commercial Pilot :
Leaves high marks when attempting to leap short buildings, loses a
tug-of-war with a twin engined plane, can fire a speeding bullet, swims
well and is occasionally addressed by God

The Private Pilot:
Barely clears a camping tent, is run over by a single engined plane,
sometimes recognises a speeding bullet, can dog paddle and talks to
animals

The Soloed Student Pilot:
Runs into buildings,  recognises a Cessna 172 two times out of three,
has never seen a speeding bullet, can stay afloat if properly
instructed, and talks to water

The Non-Soloed Student Pilot:
Falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings, says "Look at the
aeroplanes", Wets himself with a waterpistol and mumbles to himself

The Engineer:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks aeroplanes out of hangers,
catches speeding bullets with his teeth and chews them up, and freezes
water with a single glance.

THE ENGINEER IS GOD.

(From Wings April 93)

Engineers Explained
-------------------

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other people.  This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who
have to deal with them.  The secret to coping with technology-oriented
people is to understand their motivations.  This chapter will teach you
everything you need to know.  I learned their customs and mannerisms
by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great
apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to
discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud
your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction:

   *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation.
   *Important social contacts.
   *A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:

  *Get it over with as soon as possible.
  *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will
need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems.  If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems.  Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer can take a
shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.  Which is why most engineers are
men, because boys as we know never outgrow the perpsective of the
world as a large playground -- or computer game, -- probably street
fighter.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.  If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.  It's
a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are
portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.  This is
much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists
of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of
other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house.  While it's true that many
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like
children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their
virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible
men in technical professions:

     *  Bill Gates.
     *  MacGyver.
     *  Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death.  Longer
if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.  They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

     "I won't change anything without asking you first."
     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
     "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else
in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced
dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started
checking resumes before processing the bodies.  Anybody with a degree
in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is
propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps
out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it whenever they can.  This
is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake,
the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

 *   Hindenberg.
 *   Space Shuttle Challenger.
 *   SPANet(tm).
 *   Hubble space telescope.
 *   Apollo 13.
 *   Titanic.
 *   Ford Pinto.
 *   Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible
but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
     *   How smart they are.
     *   How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction is
sufficient
to get the engineer off the case.  These types of challenges quickly
become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.)  And when they succeed in
solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than
sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at
the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along
these lines:  "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how to solve
difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

WHY ENGINEERS DON'T WRITE RECIPE BOOKS:
 

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients

1.)   532.35 cm3 gluten
2.)   4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.)   4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.)   236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.)   177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.)   177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.)   4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.)   Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
      protein
9.)   473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.)  236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr,
add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and
seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal
volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally,
add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.
Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control
any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic
reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).  Heat in a
460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank
& Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55),
or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C
heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to
equilibrium with ambient conditions.
 
 

     TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES-- (& what it really means)
 
     1.  A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
     -- We are basically p*ssing in the wind.
 
     2.  EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE
     PROBLEM
     -- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
 
     3.  CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION -- We know who to blame.
 
     4.  MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
     -- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
 
     5.  CUSTOMER SATISFACTION AS DELIVERED IS ASSURED
     -- We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy -- to get
     it delivered.
 
     6.  PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
     -- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
 
     7.  TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
     -- We are so surprised that the stupid thing even works.
 
     8.  THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
     -- The only person who understood the thing quit.
 
     9.  IT IS IN THE PROCESS
     -- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about
     hopeless.
 
     10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT -- Forget it!  We have enough problems for
     now.
 
     11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
     -- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw-up.
 
     12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
     -- We'll listen to what you have to say... as long as it doesn't --
     interfere with what we've already done.
 
     13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION -- I can't wait to hear this bull!
 
     14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS -- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
 
     15. ALL NEW -- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
 
     16. RUGGED -- Too darn heavy to lift!
 
     17. LIGHTWEIGHT -- Lighter than RUGGED.
 
     18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT-- One finally worked.
 
     19. ENERGY SAVING -- Achieved when the power switch is off.
 
     20. LOW MAINTENANCE -- Impossible to fix if broken.