Ia! Ia! Tattulhu fhtagn! The guest stars are right!

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet drink with a candy bar, they will cancel each other out.
3. Calories do not count when you eat with someone and you both eat the same amount.
4. If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.
5. Pieces broken off cookies contain no calories. The process of breaking
    the biscuit causes a calorie leakage.
6. Snacks consumed in a cinema do not count as they are part of the show.
------------------------
Here are a collection of real-life church announcements....
1. Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church.
3. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
    nursery downstairs.
4. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to anounce the birth of David
    Alan Belzer, the sin of the Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer.
5. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving
    milk will please come early.
6. Wensday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing "Put me in
    my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and
    lay an egg on the alter.
8. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
    All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in
    his study.
9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
10. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
-----------------------
 This one is about things you never hear said........

Here are the Last 10 Things Any Man Will Say:
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother.
9. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. Her breasts are just way too big.
6. Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. Oh good, I prefer using a condom.
4. That chick on Murder She Wrote really gives me the hots.
3. Let's spend the day browsing among the boutiques in Pacific Place.
2. Forget tonight's football special on TV. There's a Danielle Steele mini-series on the other side.
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask directions.
 
And to show balance and egalitarianism, here are
The Last 10 Things Any Women Will Say:

10. Could our relationship be physical now? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
8. Don't throw your favourite old T-Shirt away. It may be a dirty rag,
but it's cute.
7. This diamond is way too big.
6. Thanks for doing the housework while I was out.
5. Oh, I'm getting to look so young.
4. Men whose butts stick out of the tops of their jeans are so sexy.
3. I'm wrong, you nust be right.
2. Comb your hair over your bald patch, it'll look fine.
1. Call that a belch? Listen to this.
 
 

Top Ten Health and Safety Violations Found at the North Pole

10. Exposure to radioactive material caused a sleigh-leader's nose to
glow red.

 9. Contaminants in cafeteria food have given workers an *elf-like*
appearance.

 8. Sleigh travelling with an unsecured load (the sleigh has approx.
 64 cubic feet of storage  space to hold toys for 500 million
children - you figure it out!)

 7. No reindeer stoop and scoop policy.

 6. First-aid kit contains only ju-jubes and pixie dust.

 5. Improper personal protective clothing has resulted in a Lyme
 disease epidemic amongst all reindeer handlers.

 4. Sleigh not equipped with proper hazard and fog lights.

 3. The employer constantly smokes his pipe in the workplace.

 2. Means of entrance and egress do not meet the building code. i.e.
 doors are only 3.5 feet in height. As well, chimney flues have not
been  allowable entrance/exits since 1973.

 1. The employer, when charged with violations of the Occupational
 Health and Safety  Act, threatened to put theOSHA Inspector on
the "naughty" list.

Violations observed by
Chris Vaillancourt
Safety Technician
Infrastructure Maintenance Division
735 Industrial Ave.
Ottawa, Ontario
 

A Star Treking Christmas
 
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armoury securely,
In hopes that no aliens would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face...
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind  of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
 His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
 Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
"It's Riker!  It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
As leaves in the autumn  are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from  our feet,
And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!"
The prankster  just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he  vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And  Riker said, Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
 "I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his  words, he produced a large sack.
 He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
 There's something delightful for everyone here."
 He sat on the floor  and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
"For Counsellor  Troi, there's no need to explain.
 Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
 For Worf I've some mints as his breath's not too great,
And for  Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data, a joke book;  for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
Then he sprang to his  feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared  into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas  to all, and to all a good flight!"

TODDLER PROPERTY LAW

1.  If I like it, it's mine.

2.  If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4.  If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5.  If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6.  If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7.  If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8.  If I saw it first, it's mine.

9.  If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.

10.  If it's broken, it's yours. (but the pieces are probably mine!)
 

Strangely enough, this sounds like a lot of adults I know also...^_-

THE WORLD OF DORKNESS

A series of five game books consisting of:

        Vampire: the Mistake
        Werewolf: the Approximation
        Mage: the Arbitrition
        Wraith: the Obvious
        Changeling: the Dripping

Brought to you by White Whelp games.

---

Possibly followed by: "Author: the Slaughter" ;)
Naah.  Should be:

Hampire:  The Masked Ace Raids
Werecow:  The Moocalypse
Beige:  The Color Scheme
Manta Rayth:  The Undead under the sea
ChangeThing:  The Big Orange Rocky Guy.

Also, Don't forget:

Glacier:  The Crawl
Mallrat:  The Boredom
Wombat:  The Furry
 

Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.

(Original author unknown)

PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
 

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.

1.  If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

2.  If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

3.  If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4, 5, and  6.

4.  If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

5.  If you are manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press.
 No one will answer.

6.  If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Just stay
on the line so we can trace your call.

Thank you and have a nice day!

- ------------------------------

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports).  The forms used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.  The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at
a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
  port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.