Janus

The sign said ‘Painless Dentistry’, and Gordon – who, like most people, had a major aversion to the agonies that most dentists seem to delight in inflicting - stumbled gratefully towards it, hand pressed to his throbbing jaw.

The receptionist looked up as he entered. “May I help you?”

Gordon stared. The woman looked as though someone had smacked her with the Ugly Glove; melon-shaped head, too big for her gangly body, eyes too big for her face, greyish skin, virtually chinless, and blond locks that looked suspiciously like a wig. Maybe she had cancer. That would explain her unhealthy appearance. She had a nice smile though, and beamed at Gordon, waiting for him to speak.

Gordon blushed. “Uh … coub I thee the dogder? I bufted my toof!”

The nurse consulted the appointments diary. “Nobody booked. Go right in.”

Nodding in relief, Gordon pushed through the door marked ‘Surgery’, and lay down on the couch inside.

“Hello,” said the dentist as he entered. He had the same unhealthy features as the receptionist. Related? “I’m Doctor Janus. Problem with your teeth? Let’s take a look.”

Gordon reluctantly opened his mouth. Janus peered inside. “Molar broken off above the gumline. We’ll have to remove the soft tissue from inside the tooth to prevent infection, then fill the tooth and cap it.”

Gordon winced. “Id won’d hurp, will id?”

Janus shook his head. “You won’t feel a thing.” He picked up a medicated swab and dabbed at Gordon’s gum, which immediately numbed. “Better than an injection, eh? Okay, bit wider…” He poked a tube into Gordon’s mouth. “… just removing soft tissue. Okay, now let’s apply some amalgam… Cap it…” He stepped back. “And we’re done!”

Gordon stared at him. “Awweady?”

Janus nodded. “It’s all the fussing about with anaesthetics that usually drags out the process. We’ve implanted a tiny electronic pain-suppressant into your tooth. Cutting-edge technology. Lets us do the job in no time at all. It’ll keep operating for a while longer, to eliminate post-op twinges.”

Gordon stood up, rubbing wonderingly at his jaw. “Amazing – the numbness is already wearing off, but there’s no pain!” He grabbed Janus’s hand, shaking it enthusiastically. “I don’t know how to thank you!”

Janus smiled. “Just pay your bill, and fill out a ‘Patient Details’ card as you leave.”

“Absolutely! And I’ll be recommending this place to everyone I know! Amazing what technology can do nowadays..!”

#

When Gordon had gone, Janus and his receptionist scuttled into the washroom at the back of the surgery. Inside, they regarded the screen of the tracking monitor, where a tiny red light winked on a map of the local area.

“It works!” squealed the receptionist. “The dental implant gives precise location!”

‘Janus’ nodded. “No harm done to the subject. No bothersome half-memories of abduction. And with the offer of ‘painless dentistry’, we’ll have humans queuing up to be fitted with implants!”

He rubbed his hands with glee. “This is going to make anal probes obsolete once and for all!”

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