sunday, october 2nd, 2005
dx/dy = criminal.

That new TV show "Numb3rs", spelled with a 3 instead of an e in a delicious play on words (or numerals, as the case may be) is teaching me a very, very valuable lesson. Criminals are much smarter than me.

Now I'm a pretty smart guy. On a scale of Paris Hilton to Stephen Hawking, I'm around about James Wood. That's not too shabby, all things considered. But I must say, I would never be able to logically construct a pattern of criminal activity based entirely on mathematical formulae. I'm just not wired that way. But according to this show, beneath the tattoos, scruffy facial hair and penchant for stealing televisions of every criminal lies a brain far more powerful than your or my feeble law abiding minds.

The basic premise behind the show is that every criminal works to a mathematical pattern. The things they do, say, or leave behind can be explained with simple equations. Now this is where it gets fun. In shows like CSI you get to see blood splatters, matching bullets, and the occasional wise crack from that delightful David Caruso. In Numb3rs, they use math to come to conclusions as to who killed poor old Mrs. Glick. Which would be an excellent premise, if only there was some exciting and entertaining manner in which to scribble a bunch of garble on a whiteboard.

Unfortunately they haven't gotten to the "chrome whiteboard" episodes yet, and so it's all still very vanilla. I trust, however, that once they break out the gold textas the series will take a raunchy new twist. It'll be maths... with pep!

I must say, however, that it's awfully nice of modern criminals to give investigators a bit of a kick start in capturing them and bringing them to justice. I'm assuming they work to some kind of Criminal Code of Ethics in which a criminal must leave clues, just to keep the game fair. A bit like an instruction manual. God knows I hate it when I have to construct furniture from Ikea without the construction guides. Joining Ö to ß is so much easier when I have those guides.

But just think! Modern day prisons are brimming with geniuses! I bet if we put 1000 criminals in a room with 1000 typewriters they could knock out the complete works of William Shakespeare in under 30 minutes. Take that, you flea ridden monkeys.

Click here to tell me how much you hated this article.

Older crap is in the archives. Go take a look if you like.