After the insane heat of the day Sim, Sao and Paul decided to watch hard men inflict bodily harm via elbows to the head ala Tony Jaa. Or in other words, they went to watch some Muay Thai. Blai, Ev Mo and I went to Lumphini Night Markets for some dinner and beer, to recover from the dehydration of the day. By all accounts the Thai Kickboxing was impressive, if only for the fact that Steven Seagal, Nicholas Cage and Jean Claude Van Damme had all been spectators once as shown in the promotional flyers. Unfortunately, amateur fighting between spectators did not transpire, despite the urgings of Sim, Sao and Paul.
After kickboxing it was decided we would get taxi's to Patpong for the nights activities. Sao made the mistake of saying "sex show" to his taxi driver and so, Sao, Sim and Paul were taken to a dodgy alley where they were assured of "best sex show" and "lady boy bang bang". After some confusion this was determined to be "Lady and boy together", not Ladyboys doing their thing (which could have been interesting).
We finally reunited at Macca's and it was decided we would get some drinks. As we made our way through Patpong we were astounded at the amount of Thai pussy hustlers a.k.a. poon spruikers. These guys would stand outside bars/clubs and ask any foreign looking person if they wanted to see a "ping pong show". What we learnt early on is that in order to not be pestered by a poon spruiker for 20 mins (they were persistent), it was best to not even acknowledge them as even the slightest glance could trigger a spruiking enslaught.
As Thai New Year was just commencing, it is common to get sprayed with water and have flour put on your face to welcome in the new year. On the way to a bar for drinks we were given our first dose of water and flour attacks.
After some more wandering, we went into a bar with some girls dancing in tiny blue bikinis on the bar. This was strangely un-arousing. Whilst many of the girls were undoubtedly hot, and some were enthusiastic, the number of depressed ones who barely swayed back and forth on the spot, staring into space was a disturbing reminder of the reality of the situation. It was decided we would leave when Paul was accosted by a ladyboy and propositioned with "do you like men?"
You can't go to Patpong and stop at bikinis so we decided we would check out "Super Pussy". Upon entering we were immediately swarmed with bikini clad "ladies". The girl who chose Paul offered her hand and asked where he was from. Sim's girl decided it was enough with the chit-chat and instead introduced herself by grabbing his cock. This invasion of personal space was a freak-out. After we had disposed of the bikini clad cock grabbers and been swindled out of 350 baht bar tax each, we noticed the show on stage. In an amazing display of skill and precision a lady on stage was firing darts out of her vagina and popping balloons on the ceiling. From here the sex acts only got more disgusting and bizarre, and ashen faced, we soon left this soul destroying place.
Paul best sums it up:
I forgot to mention the sheer number of 50+ balding, grey haired, overweight, creepy looking white motherfuckers in these 2 clubs getting the attention of the poor hot Thai chicks. This trip has taught me that besides myself, a bunch of my friends, Larry Bird and Adam Sandler, white people are fucking shit and should stop going to other countries to act like dogs and force the poor inhabitants into sex.
Ev Mo's face shows how we all felt...
