♥ Date- 10 May 07 ♥

I had clinicals again this week on Tuesday. It was all right. We saw a lot of in-patients. My group included me and two other girls in my year and we were tailgating an orthopedic Physio around the hospital. I guess the highlight of the day was when I was passing an old woman’s room and she called me to help her bring the drip closer to her bed. I don’t think I’m meant to go into another patient’s room without the physio… but oh well, nothing bad happened.

You know, you don’t get normal patients in the hospital. You either get overly depressed patients or overly bewildered patients who are extremely chatty. When I see the patients try really hard to move their limbs, its so amazing.. how much effort they put in but don’t get anywhere.. and it’s just really depressing! Yes. I’m not an empathetic person. I don’t say anything to the patients. I just feel really sorry for them. And I just think in my head.. they’ll get better…

My special friend is kinda talking to me now. Well actually he’s just really busy with uni work and assignments. =( But yes, he isn’t barring me! Yay ^^ Although we haven’t had the opportunity to talk heaps. He keeps on saying he’s busy. *sigh* then I wonder why he’s on msn .. o_O so suspicious!

Anyways I’ve thought about it, and I might do medicine as a postgrad at usyd . So I’ll finish off physio first and if I still want to do med I’ll do it postgraduate. ^^ All I need to do is keep a credit average and don’t have 1/3 of my subjects be “passes”. ^_^ easy!!

Anyways I better go and study now. Laters

♥ Date- 6 May 07 ♥

On Friday I had a Body Systems 2 exam. It was easy. Although I know I’m getting 60% because I didn’t study enough! -_- as usual, too many things on my mind! Anyways, on Friday night, I watched Spiderman 3. The fighting scenes were really good! The special fx were superb. The script was corny. And the acting was abit dodgy. But other than that, I didn’t fall asleep! Which is a plus for me I suppose. =)

Yesterday (Saturday) I woke up so late!! Like around 10am because I stayed up so late last night chatting on msn till 2.30am! -__-‘’ Anyways I studied for an hour, watched Ugly Betty till I had to leave for karate. After karate I had dinner with my dad and sis. We ate at Jap restaurant called Azuma at Chifeley Tower. We had the degustation menu. It was soo yummy! It’s the best jap food I’ve eaten so far. Its not overly “strange” .. like you can get supposedly really interesting and unique jap food at expensive restaurants but they taste really weird and gross. The food here was unique and t was good on my taste buds! Plus the plates were UBER cool!! Anyways we had:

· Seaweed/ black sesame jelly thing you dip into this yummy plum sauce!

· Sashimi- tuna & salmon

· Sushi looking thing.. one had tuna belly and the other had smoked salmon.. which tasted so Smokey!! ^_^!!

· Steamed salmon wrapped in some egg thing..? & prawn thing & fish( in some yummy miso sauce..i think!) & lotus thingo &

· Egg custard – chicken, mushroom, prawn

· Tempura- prawn, eggplant, capsicum.. and some other thing.. I forgot

· Beef with yummy sauce!

· Smoked salmon wrapped in cucumber

· Udon

· Dessert- choc mousse, mango sorbet, crème brule

Ok.. I’m like really full now and I can’t sleep, but I’m so tired!! ZzzZzz..

So yes my special friend sort of talked to me yesterday . ^^ yay! I’m happy. Well . for now. Hrm I’m so sleepy. Couldn’t call Helen today T_T.. will do that tomorrow! Anyways so tired- nights!

♥ Date- 3 May 07 ♥

I have a Body Systems exam tomorrow and I’ve only studied ¼ of the work. It’s a start but it’s not enough. The reason being? Well..I had a driving test today and I failed! I had two fail items: speeding and not signaling appropriately. And afterwards, I felt really depressed. I felt really incompetent. And that just dragged me heaps down. Then I thought of all the things happening at the moment,

Why does my special friend hate me?

Why can’t I stick with anything?

Why do I give up so easily?

Why aren’t I in a happy relationship?

Why don’t some of my friends from high school keep in touch with me?

Why aren’t I good at anything?

Why can’t I think faster and communicate properly?

Why is my English so bad and stilted?

Why am I dumb and why can’t I help those around me?

Why do I have a crap sense of humor? Or, where is my humor?

Then me being me.. I cried .. =\. I don’t cry often, its just that during stressful and hard times. It just seems to all come out. Like I’ve bottled it up for so long and it just flows out in one go. I hate crying in public, because my nose goes red and my eyes go bloodshot! O_O And everyone can basically tell I’ve cried. Sometimes if I cry the night before and go to school, I get puffy eyes and what is my reason to everyone? Well, that I didn’t get enough sleep and my eyes were puffy in the morning. =) mmm I’ve never gotten puffy eyes because I didn’t sleep enough hahahhahah.. I usually just get bags.

The other day I was talking with Sempai (karate teacher) and this other guy about “midlife crisis” .. I’ve already gone through it many times! I recall one in highschool and now. I mean I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I’m trying to figure it out. I don’t know where I’m heading. I don’t know who’s my friend anymore. I don’t even know if I want to be a physio!

Is it bad to be someone you want to be ? Even though you’re not really like that? It’s not the same as being someone that ur not right? I just get confused. Because I have an image of myself, like what sort of person I want to be. And I want to achieve that. Except it never comes around. Because it’s not natural. But naturally I hate the person I am. This quiet person who cares about nothing. I don’t seem to care about anything anymore. Well for the past 2 years its been like that. I don’t know what I was thinking about . But I didn’t think much.

However for the past few months, I’ve been thinking things over. And I want to care for those around me especially my friends. And I should learn to trust others around me and to confide with them. One thing karate has taught me is to hide your weakness because your opponent can use it against you. And I brought it into relationships and I guess it’s not such a good thing. Because I can’t trust people anymore. And I’m more independent. When it comes to study, I like to work on my own and I hate getting other people’s help. Sometimes it’s because it’ll mean I’ll owe them a favor. Owing someone a favor isn’t too bad.. but I don’t know. I just don’t want to be strapped down.

At a evangelistic event, my friend invited me to, they said that if ur not happy with what you’re doing, stop doing it and find something you’re good at and that you’ll like. That does make sense, but does that mean I should give up when I’m feeling down? Because I can’t stick with anything. I always give up. That’s why I’m not in a relationship. =\ And because no guy loves me .. hehe

Yesterday we had a Maladaptive Behavior lecture. He talked about depression and the symptoms. I found that I could relate to a lot of it. Like for eg:

They tend to think a lot, and they tend to think deep. (that’s so me…)

Tend to cry a lot, like day after day ( I don’t cry all the time. But sometimes I go through phases where I just cry heaps in a week)

They feel like they’re separated from the real world and those around them.

Thinks of death a lot (ever since high school I decided that I’d die from cancer. I even thought I was going to die before I finished the hsc .. but that never happened. I even thought of suicide – the plan was overdose on pills, cos you can get them at home, but I read that sometimes when you overdose, you don’t die lol. Which sucks? I also thought of hanging, but I had nothing to hand the rope on.. then I thought of getting a knife from the kitchen and stabbing myself.. but I wouldn’t have the guts.. I’de probably stab abit n then be in too much pain to continue. .. It’s so hard to die…)

Anyways there are other symptoms which I don’t have like.. depressed people only think that life is all about – birth then death. Nothing in between. Others leave a repetitive life.. like wake up, go to work, go home etc etc .. then you ask them what happens after that? And depressed people usually say death. They have no desire or any goals or anything to look forward to. Me on the other hand, I believe I need to leave something in this world before I die. So until that day comes, I’ll still be alive.

Anyways I’ve been pretty low lately. Cos my special friend hasn’t replied to the email I sent him which basically confessed EVERYTHING to him.. my deepest feelings and thoughts. And he didn’t even reply!!!!! I’m really hurt. Because it meant so much to me and for him to just ignore it. It’s really depressing. Because, to tell you the truth. I think I may really really really like him. I don’t want to freak him out at the moment. So I just said that I miss him as a friend. =) Because we went out once. And because I was only .. 15.. I knew like nothing? Heheh but now that I’m 18 yo and THAT much older, I understand love and like abit more. I’ve told myself, that next time when I get a bf, I’m going to hold onto him forever and never let go. Cos once I do, I regret it. And I guess I’ve regretted each person I’ve let go. So that’s a promise I’ll make to my heart which is down in shreds and very hole-y. hehe ^^

So yes that’s it for now, I’ll post more when I have the time. Take care!

♥ Jess