Bart:Hey, Grampa, do you think I could’ve been a Flying Hellfish?
Grampa:You’re a gutsy daredevil with a give-‘em-hell attitude and a fourth-grade education. You coulda made Sergeant.
“I’m an Elk, a Mason, a Communist … I’m also president of the Gayand Lesbian Alliance for some reason ..."
Bart: I’m sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
Grampa:Ah, the fortune doesn’t matter boy. The important thing is you’re safe. Now,let’s get that fortune!
“Y’know,you remind me of a poem I can’t remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I’m not sure I’ve ever been to.”
Bart: Is that story true, Grampa?
Grampa: Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the forties. Oh, they had designers then!
“Well, whenever I’m confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions.”
"They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it."
"I'm an old man. I hate everything but 'Matlock'. Oooh! It's on now."
Lisa: Bart, do you realise what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die!
Grampa: Ehhh, welcome to my world. (suggested by lionspecter)
"Dear Mr. President,
There are too many states nowadays.
Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot." (suggested by I.F)
"He used to be smart as a chimp, but now ... he's dumb as a monkey." (suggested by matthew)
"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch" (suggested by mitch)
"Then I noticed that he was wearing sneakers, sneakers for sneaking." (suggested by justin)
"SEX? I had sex once ... what's wrong with hearing your aged father talk about sex? ... Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!" (suggested by valgal)
"I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary." (suggested by juzzy dude)
Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants first?
Grandpa: I don't know! (suggested by juzzy dude)
"I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet?" (suggested by juzzy dude)
AHHHH ...