| by Sharon
House, DCH, MCC
Earlier this year, Dr. Phil McGraw, the author of "Life Strategies"
sat down with four women on Oprah to talk about why they haven't been
able to take their excess weight off. It was music to my ears… here,
finally, was someone talking about what I have said for years… to
manage your life, eliminate your payoffs and you'll manage your
weight.
Exactly the same thing
applies when it comes to managing negative habits. So often I hear
folks talk about wanting to eliminate habits but complaining that they
can't get themselves to follow through. They feel frustrated,
overwhelmed, angry with themselves for their 'lack of willpower' to
stick to the agreements they have made with themselves. What they
don't realize is that it has nothing at all to do with willpower! It's
not even the behavior change that frightens them as much as the
thought of what it might entail, along the way, to get what they want!
We are not random
creatures. Everything we do, we do for a reason. Everything we do has
a payoff of some sort that at some level serves us. We may not
consciously be aware of what the payoff is , but "it" is there waiting
to be discovered and uncovered. It will be discovered only if we are
willing to shine the light inwardly and admit the unvarnished truth -
"I am a procrastinator (or _____________fill in the blank with your
negative habit) and will remain a procrastinator (or_________________fill
in the blank) as long as there is a payoff for me in doing so!"
The truth is most
people work much harder at hanging on to what they currently have than
moving towards taking the (often) courageous actions and risks that
may be necessary to start working hard at finding solutions and
creating strategies to get them what they say they truly want.
Think of something you
procrastinated about at some time in your life. What finally happened
to change your mind and propel you into action? Did you suddenly feel
the pain and pressure to "just do it" and get on with your life? Did
the thought of the consequences of not taking action become more
painful than the thought of continuing to put up with the negative
energy drain it was creating in your life?
Anything you want that
holds value for you will require that you make a choice between
holding on to old negative payoffs or moving towards creating positive
new payoffs. Negative payoffs such as feeble excuses, unconvincing
rationalizations, flimsy reasons, past painful experiences, negatives
attitudes and "fully automated" behaviors (such as nail biting) must
be traded for positive payoffs in the form of solutions and strategies
that pull you towards creating the long term results you want most.
The bottom line is: You gotta lose those old payoffs to gain new, life
enhancing ones to get to where you want to be. As Emerson once said,
"There is no loss without gain, and no gain without loss."
Creating awareness
around the payoff for the behavior is the first step towards
resolution. The second step is examining the specific behavior in
detail to help foster understanding. With understanding, you can then
proceed to the third step of designing and implementing a strategy for
change.
One of the key
ingredients to long term habit change is learning to live your life in
the present, responding to things that are real and not hanging on to
your fears of what was (the past) or what might be (the future). When
it comes to habit change and management, it is essential that you live
in the present and take it one day, even one little success, at a
time.
Carpe diem! Seize the
day, my friends! And remember, the only thing that ever sits its way
to ultimate success is a hen!
Now that you have identified the
less than desirable habits, you can begin the detective work of
figuring out when, where and how this habit serves you, proceed to
finding out what you really want and then figure out ways that will
help you meet that need(s) in a healthier, more empowering way.
But remember… these new habits
must be habits you want to do and will do on a regular basis. Ready to
tackle one? Let me give you an example to get you started.
HABIT: Eating junk food
- When do I do this?
When I am tired, rushed, stressed, upset, lazy.
- Where do I do this? In
the car, in front of the T.V., at my desk
- How does this serve me?
I don't have to think about what is going on in my life, it saves me
time, it makes me feel better, it's fast, quick and easy, somebody
else does the cooking (instead of me!) so it feels like a break from
everyday responsibilities.
- How is this habit not serving
me? I'm eating extra calories and gaining weight, I get angry
with myself, I beat myself up for being so "uncontrolled", I don't
feel good, I'm setting a poor example for my kids, I feel out of
integrity with myself
- What is it that I really want
when I am tired?
1. Comfort
2. Privacy
3. Time for myself
- What is it that I really want
when I am rushed
1. A "breather"
2. Permission to slow down
3. Some relief from such a hectic pace
Got it? Write out your answers
to each behavior you identify. Now examine what you have written… look
for the clues that will assist you in creating new habits that will
serve you in the same way BUT are more positive and life affirming. If
you examine the example you'll see that you need to come up with habit
behaviors that are not time consuming (you obviously like to save
time!); things that feel good and are easy to carry out; something
that is nurturing and feels like a break from routine, something that
satisfies your need for comfort, privacy and time for yourself.
Now you're ready to start
brainstorming other activities for each of the situations where you do
this less than desirable behavior.
What could I do that would serve
me better when I am tired?
1. Have a power nap
2. Close my eyes for a few minutes and daydream about something I am
looking forward to.
3. Listen to soothing, relaxing music
When I am rushed?
1. Give myself permission to
take a break and slow down
2. Say "no" (what a novel concept!)
3. Give myself permission to be 10 minutes late and call ahead to let
whomever I'm meeting know that I'm on my way.
Get the idea? You'd then go on
to brainstorm things you could do when stressed, upset and lazy.
So the first key in changing a
habit is knowing where you are right now. The second key is figuring
out what you can do to make a shift. The third and most important key
of all is actually taking the time to do this exercise, in writing.
Doing it in your head just won't give you the results you want long
term.
The interesting part of this
"habit changing" process is that as you figure out what really
triggers the undesirable habit, you'll end up making changes in other
parts of your life as well! Now that's getting a big bang for your
buck J!
Happy Habit Breaking!
Copyright 1999 Sharon House, DCH, MCC
Dr. Sharon House- The House Doctor with your "Prescription for
Success"
Mailto:housecoach@instacoach.com
Websites:
http://www.housecoach.com
and
http://www.instacoach.com
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