It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval
victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar.
To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor
dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But
before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear
a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
How Nelson would have fared if he had been subject to
modern health and safety regulations.??
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed
British Flagship, HMS Appeasement.
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the
signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an
equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England'
past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and
tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us
splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get
on with it. Full speed ahead."
> "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest
sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they
said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there
until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,
Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so
absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye
and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is
under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray
beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew
up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in
too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the
cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at
anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're
afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a
couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the
Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According
to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.
We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the
devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks
ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever
happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal
punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
Anon.