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The Hot Dog Man
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(Many thanks to Mark for these lyrics).
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(Scod starts playing the intro)
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(Loud audience cheer)
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Scod:
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I don't know if this is the one you think it is.
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I think the one you think it is, is this:
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(Scod plays the same sequence a minor third higher, making it the intro to the Shop Song (I think))
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Scod:
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But, this is actually this:
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(He returns to the original key)
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Tripod:
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The hot dog man is packing up,
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He's putting all his sauces away.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Tripod:
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Scrapes the onion grease into a cup,
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To use again another day.
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Other hot dog men might re-use their cheese,
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But never this hot dog man.
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He whistles a tune and bobs his head,
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While sweeping out the floor of his van.
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The hot dog man once tried a line,
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In gelati and soft-serve treats.
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But they didn't last long in the bain-marie,
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In amongst the steaming meats.
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The sauce bottle nozzles clog up every day,
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He always is surprised by how much.
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A friend once suggested the sachets,
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But he prefers the personal touch.
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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The hot dog man...
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Gatesy:
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How beautiful is the hot dog man?
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Don't you love him? He just knows what life's about.
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It's the simple things, that's the lesson.
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Scod:
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Yeah.
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Gatesy:
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The hot dog man attends the normal events,
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Such as concerts and football games.
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Gatesy:
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Has his regulars at the stadium,
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He takes the time to learn all their names.
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Gatesy and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Yon:
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Whilst he knows it's a professional relationship,
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He always asks about their lives.
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Gatesy and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Yon:
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Says, "How are the kids? Is your Mum still well?
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Hey, tell me when the baby arrives."
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Gatesy:
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Awww!
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Tripod:
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The hot dog man maintains his van,
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He works on it meticulously.
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He'd have it done by a mechanic,
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But who would take as much care as he?
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The hot dog man drops his daughter off,
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At ballet practice three times a week.
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He jokingly asks, "Am I a taxi?",
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Gatesy:
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She laughs and smiles and kisses his cheek.
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Gatesy and Scod:
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Aww!
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Gatesy:
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You gotta love the hot dog man, don't ya?
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Oh, he's just beautiful, I love him.
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Gatesy:
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I could sing about him all night.
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In fact, let's do that, yeah!
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man earns a modest amount,
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His overheads are more than you'd think.
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When you add up the cost of his hobby,
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Plus the wholesale price of the drinks.
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Gatesy:
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What's with "hobby", Yon?
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man has certain needs,
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Not all of which his wife can fulfil.
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He also has his favourite TV shows,
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The one he likes the most is "The Bill".
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Gatesy:
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They're not the lyrics, can we...
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Gatesy and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Yon:
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The hot dog man knows his hardware,
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Has certain brands he tends to prefer.
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Gatesy and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Yon:
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He's been fitting out his cellar,
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But he's not at all the wine connoisseur.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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The hot dog man...
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Scod:
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The hot dog man drives his hot dog van,
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In circuits 'round the local reserve.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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The hot dog man...
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Scod:
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He drives slowly, but not too slowly,
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And casual, so as not to unnerve.
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Gatesy:
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I don't like the hot dog man any more!
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Gatesy:
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The hot dog man's a bad hot dog man, isn't he, guys?
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Guys?
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man...
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Gatesy:
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What the fuck is going on?
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man has a coolroom,
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With independent power supply.
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Has a table on wheels and a light source,
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He performs his operations by.
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Gatesy:
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OPERATIONS?!
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Yon and Scod:
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The hot dog man's identity,
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Changes every now and again.
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For a time, he was a woman,
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Or at least he wore a woman's skin.
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Gatesy:
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NOOOOOOOOO!
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Yon and Scod:
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If you listen hard in the dead of night,
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Is that a scratching sound you can hear?
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Gatesy:
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I DON'T LIKE THIS!
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Yon and Scod:
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We use the word "evil" so liberally,
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Gatesy:
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STOP... STOP THE FUCKING SONG!
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Stop... just stop it.
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Scod:
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What?
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Gatesy:
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What are you doing to the hot dog...
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Scod:
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What?
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Gatesy:
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What have you done to him?
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Scod:
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What do you mean, "done to him"?
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Gatesy:
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You've...
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Scod:
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There's a whole range of factors, it wasn't just us.
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Gatesy:
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No!
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Yon:
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Yeah!
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Gatesy:
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No!
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Yon:
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I mean, you know, it's a whole "nature versus nurture" issue, really.
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Scod:
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It is!
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Gatesy:
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It's just... no!
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Scod:
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He might have parental problems, who knows? Maybe he's just evil.
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We just don't know.
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Gatesy:
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He doesn't! He doesn't have to be evil though.
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Scod:
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What are you talking about?
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Gatesy:
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No, he doesn't.
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Why can't... here's an idea... ooh, Gatesy! Why don't we... why don't we make the hot dog man a nice hot dog man again, eh?
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Yon:
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All right.
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Gatesy:
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You know, remember? Aha! Remember...
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Gatesy:
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The hot dog man is packing up,
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Gatesy:
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(That's it)
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Gatesy:
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He's... twisting all the ties on the bun bags.
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Umm... puts the ice bucket back in the freezer,
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Yon and Scod:
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Where he also keeps the human heads.
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Gatesy:
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NOOOOOO!
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Yon:
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I like that!
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Gatesy:
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Ohhhh...
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Scod:
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Come on... he's a multi-dimensional character, that's all.
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Yon:
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Come on, Gatesy - don't you think we're all the hot dog man deep down inside?
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Gatesy:
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Noooo...
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Scod:
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It's about the complexity of human relationships... and knives.
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