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Ghost Ship
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Scod:
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What we thought we might do is a little bit of theatre for you. We've got a show that we sometimes do and it's kind of a pirate... pirate kind of show. It's called "The Adventures of Tosswinkle the Pirate", okay, and it's quite a complicated and multi-layered piece of theatre. But we thought we might just do an extract for you guys tonight.
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Gatesy:
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Oh, yeah. We haven't done this for a while. But it's an atmospheric piece.
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Yon:
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Yep.
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Gatesy:
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It's a bit spooky, it's a bit scary, so if we could have an atmospheric lighting change...
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Scod:
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That's good.
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Gatesy:
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Perfect.
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Yon:
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Okay, umm... and, and... the name of the song is "Ghost Ship".
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Gatesy:
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See the lonely township, peacefully sleeping.
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The sun hides once again behind the sea.
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Most are safely dreaming:
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Gatesy:
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Angel kisses...
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Yon:
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(Makes "kiss kiss kiss... flutter flutter flutter" noises)
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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They might be dreaming... butterflies...
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Yon:
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BWARK! BWARK! BWARK!
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Scod:
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Mate...
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Yon:
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It's very close-up.
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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But sinners can't escape so easily.
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Yon:
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The murderers, the thieves, and the fradulent.
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Tripod:
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The overweight, the working-class, the foreigners.
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Scod:
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Urgh!
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Tripod:
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They all must beware, for what's that looming there?
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An evil spectre on the sea!
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Scod:
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Wooooaw!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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Coming to get them...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Scod:
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Sinners, beware!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Scod:
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Ain't no escaping...
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Tripod:
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... the Ghost Ship coming there...
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Yon:
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Toot toot!
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(Pause)
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Scod:
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What was that?
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Yon:
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It's the sound of the Ghost Ship - Toot toot!
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Scod:
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It's supposed to be scary!
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Yon:
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TOOT TOOT.
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Scod:
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No... it's... it's a fucking spectral galleon of doom, it's supposed to be really disturbing.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah, really disturbing.
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Yon:
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Milky discharge.
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Scod:
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Oh!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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That's disturbing, yeah!
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Scod:
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Its masts are made of piled-up skulls,
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Its decks are made of human nuts.
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Its sails are made of sailor skin.
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Tripod:
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Its guts are made of...
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Scod:
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... guts!
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Tripod:
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It's a feat of engineering.
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Yon:
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I wonder who built it?
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Gatesy:
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I wonder who built it as well, Yonny.
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Gatesy:
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Out of the night, under the ocean stars,
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I was standing with my baby on the boardwalk, and the Ghost Ship was there.
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I took her to the pictures,
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And then I took her home, yeah!
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And then I took her to heaven, you know what I mean...
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Gatesy:
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And it was kind of dirty, and we got the Glad Wrap, woohoo, and it was full on, you know, sexy!
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(Audience laughter)
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Scod:
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Sorry... hey, sorry mate, I'm going to go with the chuckles and suggest that a few of the punters have spotted the same inconsistency that I've... that I've picked up. Now, ummm, mate... how did this go from being a song about a horrible sort of D&D-style ghost ship...
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Gatesy:
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Yeah...
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Scod:
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To a song that's... I'd characterise as a bit more about you and your girlfriend and some Glad Wrap?
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Gatesy:
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Oh, yeah well, I was thinking, when we started the song, that I think the guys in the audience really go for that sort of "Iron Maiden"-y kind of "oooh, Ghost Ship, ooga-booga", that sort of stuff, they love that; dark, you know, shit. But... umm... I think we're leaving someone out. 'Cause as soon as you talk about love, in a song, now... you have the ladies listening.
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'Cause the girls, right, they want to imagine they're making love to the singer.
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(Audience laughter)
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Gatesy:
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They're not supposed to laugh at that.
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Scod:
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Yeah.
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Gatesy:
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Okay, now go with me guys, I swear to God it's good... ready?
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Scod:
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Yeah.
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Gatesy:
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One-ie and a two-ie and a three-four.
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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My baby kisses like a...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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I touched my baby on her...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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My trousers are bursting...
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Scod:
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Sorry, I'm sorry, hold the phone, time out.
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Gatesy, "I touched my baby on her Ghost Ship"?
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Gatesy:
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Yeah! Whooo!
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Scod:
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I mean... where exactly is a woman's "Ghost Ship"?
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Gatesy:
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Don't you know?
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Scod:
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Oh, no, no, no, I know.
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Gatesy:
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You don't know.
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Scod:
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I know... I know for sure, I just... they might have a different word for it here or something, in Brisbane.
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"Sea Cat"
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Gatesy:
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"Sea Cat"? That's one amphibious pussy, I swear to God.
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No, it makes sense.
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Scod:
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No, sorry.
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Gatesy:
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The sexy thing.
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Scod:
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There's no sexy woman in this song.
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Gatesy:
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What do you want, then?
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Yon:
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You appall me. I was just going to say though, I think, umm... I think you've got something with this whole, you know, "let's make this song appeal more to women". I think it's a great idea.
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Scod:
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It's not, it's bullshit.
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Yon:
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No, listen up, but I think, I just want to say I think you're going about it the wrong way, you're a bit, sort of... forceful?
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Ah, yeah, I think it needs to be... you've gotta, you know, tell 'em what they want to hear, you know? Get inside the head of a female girl.
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I'll give you example of what I mean. After two - one, two.
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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Expressing my feelings...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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Being a good listener...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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A thoughtful companion...
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Scod:
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I don't even know what this song's about any more!
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Gatesy:
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It's about foreplay.
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Yon:
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Yeah.
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Scod:
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NO! It's not about foreplay! It's not, it's about a literal galleon of doom with... if there's any women on it, they're horrid spectres of disaster, okay?
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Yon:
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Oh, okay.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah, but what are they wearing? Sort of, like, leather chaps, kind of with a cowboy hat? And some kind of nonsensical European...
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(An audience member gets up and leaves)
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Gatesy:
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A bit too much for this little fella.
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Scod:
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Oooh, he's going.
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Gatesy:
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I think we've just given him a bit of a boner.
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Scod:
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He's off.
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Yon:
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Somebody give him a jacket.
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Gatesy:
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Yes!
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He's going to walk all the way through the centre...
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Scod:
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"I didn't know it was going to be one of those 'sexy-type' shows".
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Gatesy:
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"I'd better phone my wife".
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Scod:
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"Honey, I am thinking of you..."
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Yon:
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"... in a round-about way..."
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Gatesy:
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"... as a leather cowboy."
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Scod:
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"What are you wearing?"
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No! All right, it's not about any of those things that that bloke and you reckon it's about, it's about a... if there's a woman on the Ghost Ship, it's because she's a sinner. Okay? So it's sort of, it's an Ozzie Osbourne kind of thing.
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Scod:
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My baby's a sinner, she's gonna be dragged away...
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Gatesy:
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But not before I bone her on the boardwalk till the morning comes!
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Yon:
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I bought a sentimental card, with flowers and a pink desi-i-ign.
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Scod:
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She'll be torn apart by demons...
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Gatesy:
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While she's touching my buns!
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Scod:
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Come on, Gatesy!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Yon:
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A caring environment...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Scod:
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A den of the damned...
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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Gatesy:
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Overtly sexual...
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Scod:
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Murderous!
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Yon:
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Empathy!
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Gatesy:
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Nude!
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Scod:
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Banshees!
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Yon:
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Thoughtful!
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Gatesy:
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... Arse!
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Tripod:
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Ghost Ship!
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