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Bevan - The Musical - Part 2

  (Many thanks to Darth for these lyrics).
   
Pete: It’s 1999. As the millennium draws to a close, Bevan-euphoria is as intense as ever. It’s arguably the biggest phenomenon since Hammer time. And perhaps it’s time to break it down. Because if you could bottle the spirit of the man you would. You would box his soul, cling wrap his heart, and web his feet. But where did it begin? Every saga has a beginning. It’s time to take a step back to a Bevan-less society; I know, it’s hard to imagine.
   
Scod: Imagine there’s no Bevan,
  It’s easy if you try.
  No turned up collars,
  No skinny black ties.
  Imagine all the mums without their favourite boy.
Tripod: You-who-oo-oo-oo...
   
Pete: Let’s go back to a time when hypercolor t-shirts were only a crazy man’s fantasy... the 1970s. Bevan’s mother lived a life of the time. Her name was Bevanly Hirrani Tigerlily, and she was beautiful. The kind of woman you would see in the street and say to your mates "Oooh baby". She was a mover, a shaker, a wheeler, a dealer, a joker, a smoker, a midnight toker. Which was lucky because tokers who could work the late shift were in high demand. Then one night as she walked home from a young Ivor Davey concert, a bright star approached. The bright star was Darryl Coton and he said this,
Gatesy: "You are to give birth to a child. He will be named Bevan, the most Bevanly creature of them all."
Pete: Bevanly Hirrani Tigerlily pressed further,
Yon: "When?"
Pete: To which Darryl Coton replied,
Gatesy: "When the time is right."
Yon: "And when will that be?"
Pete: Asked Bevanly.
   
Gatesy: Lady, I’ve got lots of work to do, anyway only Bevan knows.
  Stop coming to me with all your problems,
  I’ve got problems of my own.
  I’ve got to pick up Marty Monster from the dry cleaners,
  In time for the Early Bird Show...
  Just Bevan knows.
   
Pete: Then on one dark and stormy evening, Bevan arrived like a beacon in the fog. If he was beautiful, he was also inconvenient. Bevanly Hirrani Tigerlily was returning from the cinema in a Cadillac taxi. She had just seen Grease and was commenting to the cab driver on how she feels the sequel would be better than the original when her water broke. Bevan had arrived. The taxi driver was in shock as he looked down at baby Bevan. In this scene, the taxi driver is being played by Alex Paps, who is being played by Yon of Tripod.
   
Yon: Bevan in the back seat of my Cadillac.
  Let me take you there.
  Ah-ha, Bevan’s in the back seat of my Cadillac,
  Let me take you there, ah-ha.
   
Pete: He was indeed a thing of beauty. As the doctor cut the umbilical cord which somehow seemed to resemble a thin leather tie. He was heard, and muttered that he felt a god-like presence in the room. It was so intense that he actually checked that God wasn’t in the room. He wasn’t. Bevanly was so moved that he looked down at her newborn baby and sang for the first time. In this scene, Bevanly Hirrani Tigerlily is being played by Huey Lewis, who is being played by Scod from Tripod, with back up vocalists from the midwives and anaesthesiologists.
   
Tripod: Is this the baby,
  Who’ll bring peace and harmony,
  With back up from YTT?
Scod: He’ll sing Amazing Grace,
  And he’ll be so ace!
  Oh... show me Bevan, doctor, please.
  Give us a hold... no, not you, the baby.
Tripod: Show me Bevan, please.
   
Pete: After the birth and all the unnecessary theatrics, a stranger appeared in the maternity ward and confronted Bevanly Hirrani Tigerlily. That stranger was Johnny Young and he spoke,
Gatesy: "The boy has a gift. I think he should come with me. I could teach him a new way."
Pete: To which Bevanly Hirrani Tigerlily replied,
Yon: "You speak of the one who will bring balance to the force. You think it’s this boy?"
Pete: Johnny nodded in a way that didn’t quite work on radio. He also thought to himself that Bevanly Hirrani Tigerlily sounded a lot like Samuel L. Jackson.
Yon: "Hey, did you know that a cheeseburger in France, it’s called a royale with cheese."
Pete: Shut up Bevanly. She understood the boy’s plight. She had only one request.
Scod: "One night, one night. Ooo-yeah! One night with Bevan."
Pete: That’s right. She wanted to sing one song by the M people. After that, Bevan was free to leave.
  Johnny took Bevan away. Bevanly Hirrani was saddened, but she knew this was for the best. Johnny Young was to take Bevan to the council of variety television and present him for approval to train. The council consisted of the big guns. Darryl Somers. Bert Newton. Don Lane. Graham Kennedy. Don Lane. Mike Walsh. And Simon Townsend. It was quite overwhelming. It looked like the set of Blankety Blanks. Johnny needed this. He knew YTT was in jeopardy. This later proved to be incorrect, it was Tony Barber who was in jeopardy. He looked away at baby Bevan and sang a song taught to him by a former apprentice.
   
Gatesy: Bevan help my heart,
  'Cause he’s my only hope.
  I ask you please,
  Bevan help my heart.
   
Pete: Johnny entered with baby Bevan in his arms. The council did not like what they saw. They were being overly cautious since their last mistake of allowing Frankie J Holden through.
Yon: "The boy is dangerous, they all sense it, why can’t you?"
Pete: "I’ll teach him myself," Johnny said. "I’ll teach him how to sing and dance, and I’ll teach him Japanese." Because Johnny believed it was important to speak a second language. Johnny stormed out of the council room. Ever the showman, he even went to the trouble of making storm noises.
Tripod: (Storm effects)
Gatesy: Batten down the hatches...
Yon: Hey, did you see that cow go past? Oh, no, it was Helen Hunt.
   
Pete: Storm noises were not his forte. Johnny knew he was holding something special. He put the slinky down, and picked up Bevan.
   
Tripod: That baby is all that I want,
  See it lying here in my arms.
  I’m the only one to believe...
Gatesy: ... in Bevan.
Tripod: The 6:30 slot on Saturday,
  Is the battleground with Hey, Hey.
  If we’re gonna succeed...
Gatesy: ... it’s with Bevan.
   
Pete: So there it is. Johnny went forward and founded the Johnny Young Talent School. And as for Bevan, well, you know how the story goes.
   
  This has been Bevan II, Episode I. The sequel, the prequel, the less than equal.
   
Yon: Bevan help my heart,
Tripod: Oh Bevan...
Yon: 'Cause he’s my only hope...
Scod: Show me Bevan, doctor...
Gatesy: Only Bevan knows...
Yon: 'Cause he’s my only hope...
Scod: We’ve repaired my heart (?)...
Yon: Only Bevan knows...
   
Tripod: Bevan help my heart.