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Welcome and Ad
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Scod:
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Thank you very much, it's marvellous to see you, thanks for coming along and welcome to "Tosswinkle the Pirate".
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Gatesy:
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Exac... actually, the title of the show is "The Adventures of Tosswinkle the Pirate", yeah?
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Yon:
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Well, actually that's wrong too, Gatesy. The show's actually called "Tripod Tell the Tale of the Adventures of Tosswinkle the Pirate (Not Very Well)".
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Gatesy:
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That's right, it is.
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Scod:
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Silly me, because I thought it was called "Tripod Tell the Tale of the Adventures of a Couple of Pedantic Whackjobs Who are in a Little Bit of Danger From a Bit of Backlash From the Visually Impaired Community".
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Gatesy:
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That's a really catchy title! We should have used that - I like that - we can't use that! We can't use that title 'cause we've already done the ad on the telly.
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Yon:
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Oh yeah, yeah...
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(They all start talking at once)
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Scod:
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Umm...
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Gatesy:
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You've probably seen it...
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Yon:
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Who saw our ad?
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Gatesy:
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Have you seen it? I haven't...
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Scod:
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I was going to tell you...
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Yon:
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Just put your hand up if you saw it...
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Gatesy:
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It's probably in between the guy with the Ab-doer and the girl with the hose...
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Yon:
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Give some sort of indication that you've seen it...
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Scod:
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It's not actually...
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Yon:
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Quite curious...
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Scod:
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... didn't actually put the ad on TV...
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Gatesy:
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It's a top ad...
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Yon:
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It's interesting because I actually think the ad's better than the show...
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Scod:
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It's not on...
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Yon:
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But that's just between you and me...
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Scod:
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It's not on television...
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They haven't seen it because it's not actually on TV...
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Yon:
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So you might be a bit... shy...
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Scod:
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They're not shy...
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Yon:
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... so just scratch your nose if you saw the ad...
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Scod:
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They're not scratching because they haven't seen it because the ad is NOT ON TELEVISION.
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(Pause)
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Yon:
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What the fuck?
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Scod:
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The ad's not on TV.
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Gatesy:
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What?
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Yon:
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Why not?
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Scod:
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It was too shit!
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Gatesy:
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Hey! Don't say it was shit!
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Scod:
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It was... we were nervous, we didn't know what our lines were, we weren't sure what language it was supposed to be in... it was just... it was all over the place.
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Yon:
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It was serviceable!
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Scod:
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It wasn't serviceable!
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Gatesy:
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Well, Scod, what happened to the advertising money then?
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Scod:
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Well, you know, I've been hanging out with all those TV people...
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Gatesy:
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What happened to the money, Scod?
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Scod:
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Up my nose! Yes indeed!
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Gatesy:
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Drugs!
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Scod:
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No, money, you can roll it into little tubes... and you can fit it all in... it's all still in there... it's all inside the cavities... I can hear it when I...
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Yon:
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Well, I don't care about that, because these people need to have seen the ad. You can't go and see any show without having all the best bits wrecked by an ad!
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Gatesy:
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He's right! We're doing the ad, Scod, come on, let's go.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Hi, we're Tripod!
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Scod:
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And we're Tripod.
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Have you ever been into on the theatre and had this thought done?:
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Yon:
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"Gee, the theatre was excellent, but tonight had not enough good pirate stories, do you not think?"
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Gatesy:
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"Yes, I do not think!"
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Scod:
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Well, have no fear because of our stock boy over-ordered and we must clear it.
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Gatesy:
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We are up to our knees in pirate.
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Yon:
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Stories you must come to our big pirate show of Tosswinkle.
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Tripod:
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TOSSWINKLE THE PIRATE...
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Yon:
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... show.
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Scod:
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Now you will have, of this thought:
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Yon:
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"Gee, tonight had lots of good pirate stories enough."
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Gatesy:
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"Yes, I do not think!"
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Scod:
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Sea battles!
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Gatesy:
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Well realised!
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Yon:
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Villains!
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Gatesy:
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Really scary!
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Scod:
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Sex!
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Gatesy:
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Yes please!
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Yon and Scod:
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But don't take our word for it, here's what...
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(They stop and look at Gatesy)
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Gatesy:
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(Giggling) That's funny...
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Tripod:
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But don't take our word for it, here's what actual fictional people said about Tripod:
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Yon:
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"This show was great for me because I myself am a wog."
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Scod:
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"Tripod! Only 45 minutes from the CBD on the western ring road. A great place to bring up your kids."
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Gatesy:
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"Since going to see Tripod, my best friend Janet is either on the phone or on a date. What am I talking to you for?"
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TRI... ooh. That's a misprint.
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Scod:
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(Says something long in a foreign language)... Tripod...
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Gatesy:
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That's really good...
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Yon:
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(Says something long in Chinese)... Tripod...
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Gatesy:
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Je m'appelle Tripod...
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Tripod:
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TRIPOD! We have to like it!
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Scod:
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There... I told you it was shit...
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Gatesy:
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I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Yeah, it's shit...
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Scod:
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All right... okay. Let's move on!
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Yon:
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Yes!
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Scod:
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On with the show!
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