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Main Theme
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Scod:
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The main theme of Tosswinkle the Pirate:
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Tripod:
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum!
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Scod:
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He murdered his whole family in a port town near Seville,
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At a time when such things were frowned upon.
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Yon:
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He attended special classes learning anger management,
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But he hacked to death the teachers on day one.
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Gatesy:
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He hadn't yet earned his name.
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He was still called "Nancy" in those days.
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Tripod:
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Mayhem was his game!
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Gatesy:
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That and quoits... he really loved quoits...
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Tripod:
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TOSSWINKLE!
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Yon:
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The evil pirate villain...
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Tripod:
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TOSSWINKLE!
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He loves a bit of killin'...
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Gatesy:
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I hear he burns down women...
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Scod:
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I hear he kidnaps churches...
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Yon:
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And I hear he wears a HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
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(Pause)
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Tripod:
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum!
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Scod:
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For over thirty years,
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He brought heartbreak and tears,
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He would rob and rape and pillage and run wild.
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Gatesy:
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But his homocidal bent,
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Can be traced to one event,
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He was murdered once as a child!
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Tripod:
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He lost his leg to a shark...
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He lost his arm to a shark with a circular saw...
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He lost his eye to a card shark...
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They were playing poker...
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He was playing quoits...
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TOSSWINKLE!
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Scod:
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In France he butchered a butcher.
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Tripod:
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TOSSWINKLE!
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Gatesy:
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In Rome he baked a baker.
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Yon:
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And once in a tavern in the port of Amsterdam,
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He inspected an INSPECTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Did he... did he kill him then, Yon? You know... argghhh...
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Yon:
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No, no, no, he didn't kill him, that would have been too obvious. He inspected him. You know, like, with a cup of tea in each hand - clomp clomp clomp, cup of tea, cup of tea, cup of tea...
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(Pause)
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Tripod:
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Men, lock up your women.
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Women, lock up your men.
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But if we're all locked up together we may never get out again.
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There needs to be one person entrusted with a key.
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He could wear a lampshade on his head or pretend to be a tree.
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Or pretend, or pretend, or pretend... to be a treeeeeee...
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Scod:
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(mutters) Gatesy, that's not a tree, that's a cactus...
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Gatesy:
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(mutters) Oh, fuck...
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Tripod:
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TOSS-TOSS-TOSS-TOSS...
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TOSSWINKLE!
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He called a spade a spade...
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TOSSWINKLE!
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... before a spade was called a spade.
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At a time when a spade was called a printing press.
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But then the printing press... was invented! They had to change it.
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TOSS-TOSS-TOSS... TOSS-TOSS-TOSS-TOSS-TOSS-TOSS
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TOSSWINKLE!
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He'll take you to the cleaners.
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TOSSWINKLE!
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He'll even have you mended.
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Which is fine if you're a jacket or a pair of pantaloons.
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But not if you're a MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dee-doh-dee-doh-dee-oh...
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Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum! TOSSWINKLE!
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Scod:
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Right!
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Gatesy:
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Thank you...
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Yon:
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Thank you...
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Scod:
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Fantastic.
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Yon:
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All right...
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