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Let's Pretend We Never Met
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Gatesy:
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Anyway, this next bit is the big ship battle, yeah?
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Yon:
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Ah yeah, this is great, I love this bit. This is really good 'cause Scod has actually prepared these very, very detailed ships. And he also... he's learnt all the nautical terms and he takes you through it blow-by-blow and...
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Gatesy:
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Yon! Sorry, Yon, sorry to stop you - Scotty's leaving to go to the toilet in the middle of the show.
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Scod:
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Awwww, you're a knick-knocker!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah I know...
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(Pause)
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Yon and Gatesy:
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What?
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Scod:
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You're... I'm just... I won't be long, I promise!
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Yon:
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You can't! You can't go to the toilet whenever you want, when you're, you know, at work!
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Scod:
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Why not?
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Yon:
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Well, name me one job where you can just go to the toilet whenever you want.
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Scod:
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Toilet cleaner!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah... he's got a good one there...
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Yon:
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Very good.
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Okay, all right, you can go then, on the proviso that you let us help with the ship battle.
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Scod:
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Fine.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah. You wee, we play. Yeah.
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Yon:
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I like that.
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Gatesy:
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'Cause you know how anal you are about the ship battle. You wee, we play.
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(Scod leaves)
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Gatesy:
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Nice fella.
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Yon:
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Hmm.
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We don't need him though.
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Gatesy:
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We so don't need him - we can entertain these people on our own!
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Yon:
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Well, you know what this is?
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Gatesy:
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What?
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Yon:
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This is the birth of Bipod!
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Gatesy:
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Yes! Wow! Absolutely!
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Look at all the possibilities - we can do our own thing - possibilities... options...
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Yon:
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I know, I know, we just have to grab the one we want...
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Gatesy:
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I know! Got any ideas?
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Yon:
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Nup.
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Gatesy:
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Neither do I.
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I... I got one, I got one, you gotta do this, you gotta do this one. Okay.
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(Waving arms in the air) Let's pretend... we've never met...
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'Cause you know how great it is when you meet someone for the first time... you share your thoughts, your feelings, your interests... it's great. So we'll pretend we've never met.
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Okay, okay.
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Yon:
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All right.
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Gatesy:
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Let's give it a go.
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Yon:
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All right.
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Gatesy:
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Okay, ahh. And... begin...
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Hi.
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Yon:
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Hi Gatesy, how's the rash?
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Gatesy:
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No! You don't... you don't know my name's Gatesy, you don't know about the rash... THERE IS NO RASH! All right?
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Yon:
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All right, I'm sorry, I just find it hard meeting new people, that's all.
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Gatesy:
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(Waving arms in the air) It's just all pretend.
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Yon:
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Pretend... right... that's not helping...
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Gatesy:
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So we pretend we've never met.
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Yon:
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Okay.
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Gatesy:
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Okay, one more time. And... yeah...
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Hi.
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Yon:
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Are you looking at me?
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Gatesy:
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Yeah.
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Yon:
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Have we ever met before?
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Gatesy:
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No, we've never met.
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Yon:
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THEN WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, MATE?
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Gatesy:
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No, nothing's my problem!
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Yon:
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Is that a rash?
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Gatesy:
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IT'S NOT A RASH!
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(Scod reappears, carrying a large chest)
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Scod:
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All right, here we go with the ship battle.
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Gatesy:
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Hey hey hey hey hey! Scod, Scod - Yon, Yon's being really weird with me, man.
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Scod:
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Umm... Yon... umm... don't be weird.
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There goes our whole living - poof - just like that.
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