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Ship Battle
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Scod:
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Now. All right, here we go - ship battle.
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Gatesy:
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Ahh, remember what you agreed, you know, you wee, we play. You help us tell the story.
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Yon:
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Yeah, yeah, that's the system.
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Scod:
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That's fine, you can, like, hold something.
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(Scod gets out two model ships from the trunk)
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Gatesy:
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Nice ships...
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Scod:
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Okay, here we go. Okay, the ship battle is a little bit logistical, all right, everyone. So we've got these models to help us visualise. Now this is... firstly of all, that's north. That's very important, okay? This is the merchant ship, the SS Defenceless, okay. Now, it's facing north, and a northerly wind comes up, which is actually very bad news and I'll explain why later. Now this is the Denise...
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Gatesy:
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(Rummaging in the trunk) Oh!
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Scod:
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... now it's Tosswinkle's ship, okay.
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Gatesy:
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Hey, hey, Scod, Scod.
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(Holding up a toy dog) Can this be in it?
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Scod:
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No!
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Gatesy:
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Come on, like, it's a big robotic dog that walks on water. Hey, you can put it in the story!
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Scod:
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No! Of course not! This is a ship!
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Yon:
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Hey Scod... you wee, we play.
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Gatesy:
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Come on... it's got, like, lasers on its cheeks and it's got a little top-hat, look - "Hello my good man"! You gotta put it in the show.
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Scod:
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Umm, fine, okay...
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Gatesy:
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Put it in the story.
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Scod:
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All right... okay, okay. This is Tosswinkle's ship... a giant metal dog that walks on water.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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Okay, now, it's first spotted by the Defenceless at a distance of about seven nautical miles, all right, or about thirteen ks, or thereabouts. It's coming across the wind...
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Gatesy:
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(Piloting the dog) Across the wind...
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Scod:
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And its captain, Tosswinkle, knows the winds well..
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Yon:
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(Rummaging in the trunk) Hey Gatesy, use that.
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Gatesy:
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(Holding up a toy duck). Hey, can this be in it too? It's a big giant duck without any pants on. It can be the captain of... my dog.
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Come on!
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Scod:
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(Sighing) Giant duck...
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Gatesy:
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Yes!
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Scod:
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... pilots his dog across the wind about east-south-east in a broad spinnaker reef. Then he comes around south so as to end up broadside to the poor merchant ship.
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Gatesy:
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(Figuring it out) Broadside...
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Yon:
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Merchant ship? Don't you mean...
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(Holding up a toy) ... Buzz Lightyear?
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Gatesy:
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YEAH!
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Scod:
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NO! NO!
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Gatesy:
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YEAH!
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Scod:
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NO! I'm sorry, no. No!
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Yon:
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Scod. Do you ever want to wee again?
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I know you can't imagine a world in which you will need to wee again, but it will come back.
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And I will be there.
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Gatesy:
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And I'll be there too.
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We'll watch.
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(Audience laughter)
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Gatesy:
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(To audience) To make sure, you freaks!
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Scod:
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All right, okay, all right, fine. Okay, remember this is north, okay. Now, what's happening is that Buzz Lightyear is facing north, okay, he's foundering...
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(Yon and Gatesy are loudly playing with the models)
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Scod:
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... this guy, he's got the wind behind him, okay, now the metal dog, he's got all sorts of problems, okay. Now the wind's behind him, he's pitch polling forward a little bit, which you've probably have picked, okay...
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Gatesy:
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Hey, Scod, Scod, Scotty, is there a sword fight in this bit?
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Scod:
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Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
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Gatesy:
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(To Yon) Cool, let's practise.
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Yon:
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All right.
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(Yon and Gatesy pick up wooden cricket stumps and start waving them around)
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Scod:
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Now he knows that when he comes around south, the jib is going to be blocked by the mainsail...
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Gatesy:
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(Swinging a stump in the air) Here we are...
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Scod:
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... I'm sure you're all thinking that yourself, okay. But he knows to middle the helm, which means the jib comes across to the other side...
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Gatesy:
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Born to be king...
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Scod:
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... and he can sail goosewing, of course. He needs to close-haul, though...
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Gatesy:
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There can be only one...
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Scod:
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... 'cause he's going pretty quick. Now, Buzz Lightyear's got all sorts of problems, okay? He's got wind going stem to stern...
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Gatesy:
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(To Yon) Come on! Let's go!
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Scod:
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... and he's actually foundering, all right? Which means that he's...
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Yon:
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(Stabbing Gatesy) Ha! You're dead!
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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(Looking at the stump sticking through his body) No... no... I wasn't even ready.
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Yon:
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What?
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Gatesy:
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That's... that's not in it. That's not in it - I wasn't ready. I was practising, I was doing a bit of THAT-SKEW-ARGH! but you can't just come out... there's rules of engagement. Scod, tell him about the rules of engagement.
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Scod:
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Rules of engagement?
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Gatesy:
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Yeah, rules of engagement.
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Scod:
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Oh, rules of engagement! I suppose they're the same rules of engagement that involve a metal dog with a top-hat on.
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Yon:
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Yeah, them ones.
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