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Dave
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Scod:
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I think you're missing a much more important point, fellas.
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Yon:
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What?
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Gatesy:
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What?
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Scod:
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(Pointing into the audience) This guy here.
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Yon:
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Which guy?
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Gatesy:
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This guy?
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Scod:
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Fellow in the red shirt.
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Yon:
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This guy?
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Scod:
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This guy. On the end. This guy right here.
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Gatesy:
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This guy?
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Yon:
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This guy here?
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Gatesy:
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This guy?
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Scod:
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Fellas, this guy has no fucking idea what's going on in the story.
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Gatesy:
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(To guy in red shirt) I'm with you! I haven't a clue and I'm in the show.
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Scod:
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Poor guy, he's picked out his favourite red shirt and saved up his money for the ticket...
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(To guy in red shirt) How much was the ticket?
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Red Guy:
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I got it for free, actually.
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Scod:
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You got it for free. Well, you know what, up yours too!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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Some of us have to eat.
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Yon:
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Well, not me.
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Gatesy:
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He does not care.
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Scod:
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Well, you see, he saved up his no money, doing a little dance all day, whatever you do, busking, you know, whatever the things are that you do, and he's put on his hat that looks like trendy hair and he's come out...
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Gatesy:
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Yeah?
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Scod:
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... he's locked the monkey up for the night, just for a big night out... just hoping, with one dream... a cohesive pirate story.
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Gatesy:
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I'm with this guy!
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Well, not WITH, with him. Like, I don't want to nude up with him or anything.
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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But I mean, you never know your luck in the big city, do you?
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(Dropping his stumps/swords on the stage) I mean, nothing's... nothing's out of the question.
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(Jumping off the stage) Anything can happen. You know, like, yeah...
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(To red guy) Really?
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(Sitting on red guy's lap) Oh, how're you doing?
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Yeah! Um, like, you know, we might have some wine, some conversation, and find out we're actually quite compatible.
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(To red guy) What's your name, buddy?
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Red guy:
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Dave.
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Gatesy:
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Ahh, did you make that up?
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Dave:
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No!
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Gatesy:
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I'm close enough to slap ya! If you want rough love, come on!
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Dave, Dave, Dave, well, that's great, like we might find...
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(To Yon and Scod) Don't look at me like that! Just because I'm out meeting new people, you know, I'm a bit of man, I'm the go, I'm on the street, you know? While you sort of stay at home, waiting by the phone... we could...
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Do you like movies, Dave?
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Dave:
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I love movies.
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Gatesy:
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Love movies! Yes! Do you like Highlander? I love Highlander. "It's a kind of magic". I love that stuff! You know, what we should do... do you like... 'cause you know, the thing about Highlander, right, it's got a plot. You know, it's got some kind of story. I mean, this Tosswinkle bullshit, I mean, I don't even know who I'm supposed to be in the swordfight! You know, the PSHH-PSHH-PSHH...
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Scod:
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All right Gatesy, I'll tell you for the last time.
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Gatesy:
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Yeah.
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Scod:
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With the caveat that I think Dave might be too much man for you.
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Gatesy:
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(Wipes a tear from his eye)
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Scod:
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I'll tell you for the last time, right, are you listening? In the swordfight, and the rest of the story, you're playing the role of Tosswinkle's nemesis.
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Gatesy:
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I'm listening...
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Scod:
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All right? The man who has hunted him his whole life...
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Gatesy:
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(Jumping back on stage and picking up his stump/sword) Yeah-oh!
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Scod:
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... the dashing and heroic...
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Gatesy:
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Dashing and heroic...
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Scod:
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Admiral Gary Coleman!
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Gatesy:
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Cool!
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Yon:
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Who am I playing? Who am I playing?
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Scod:
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Yon, you're playing the title role!
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Yon:
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Tripod? I'm playing all three of us?
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(To Gatesy) I'm going to play you quite differently.
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Scod:
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All right, okay, Yon, focus. Just look in my eyes.
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Yon:
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(Looking into Scod's eyes) All right.
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Scod:
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Focus. Now you're playing the role of...
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Yon:
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Woah, hang on! There's a little guy in there! He looks exactly like me! Wait a minute... wait a minute... there's two of them! HELLO! I'm trapped inside Scod's head! ARRGGHHH! It's Being Yon Malkovich!
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Scod:
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(Pointing off in the distance) Wow, marching hammers!
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Yon:
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(Stares off in that direction)
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Scod:
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Now... you're playing the role, Yon. You're playing Tosswinkle the Pirate.
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Yon:
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Ahh!
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Gatesy:
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Ahh!
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Yon:
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Sword me up!
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Scod:
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(Pointing at Yon and Gatesy) Arch enemies!
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Gatesy:
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Arch enemies! We hate each other, huh?
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Scod:
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Yeah!
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Yon:
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(Picking up his sword) Especially when we're under an arch!
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Gatesy:
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Yeah! Come on!
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(Yon and Gatesy move into a duelling position, just out of range of each other)
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Scod:
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Now they're about to fight. This is the confrontation they've been waiting all the time for...
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Yon:
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You've got my blood boiling!
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Gatesy:
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I've been waiting so long for you, buddy!
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Scod:
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... and the merchant ship was just a trap!
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Gatesy:
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The merchant ship was a trap?
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Scod:
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It was a trap!
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Gatesy:
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Come on, bring it on!
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Yon:
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What are you waiting for?
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Gatesy:
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Come on!
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Yon:
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I'm standing right here, and you're standing right there, and yet nothing's happening.
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Gatesy:
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Just you and me, come on!
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Scod:
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All right, hands on heads.
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(Yon and Gatesy put hands on heads)
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