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Soliloquy and Interrogation
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(Yon and Scod disappear offstage)
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Gatesy:
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Well, at least SOMEONE's done his homework!
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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That's me... I do mine...
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I got the big Admiral Gary Coleman soliloquy up now. Check this out:
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(In character) DAMN YOU, TOSSWINKLE! You have eluded me again!
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(Out of character) Pretty good, isn't it?
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(In character) For fourteen years I have been pursuing that scoundrel of the sea. The lengths I have gone to!
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(Out of character) It's fucking great!
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(In character) I even built this entire city and filled it with pirate-specific attractions to lure him into my trap. Look, everyone, over there!
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(Out of character) No, I don't mean you to LOOK over there, it's just a theatrical convention... you don't actually... I understand... DUH!
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(In character) Over there... in your imagination... look over there! A parrot sanctuary. Beyond that, a prosthetics store. Across the knoll, a shop selling nothing but enormous belts. A pirate radio station...
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(Audience cheer)
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Gatesy:
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Ah, ah, ah! ... Playing nothing but "Take on me" by AHA! Twenty-four hours a day!
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(Out of character) I wrote that, that was my line...
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(In character) But now that I have captured Tosswinkle's ever-so-trusting first mate, Traitor Jim, who gave himself up so easily - the fool! I shall now find out what Tosswinkle's weakness is, and when I do I shall... spank him quite hard.
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Guard!
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Scod:
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(Reappearing on stage) Yes, Admiral!
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Gatesy:
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Bring me... Traitor Jim!
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(Pause)
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Scod:
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(Looking doubtful) Yes, Admiral...
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(As the guard) Umm... err... come this way, scum...
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(As the guard, slaps an imaginary person in mid-air)
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(Receives the slap as Traitor Jim) Oooh!
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(As Traitor Jim) Ah... Yes?
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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(Shaking Scod's hand) That was fucking great! That was really good.
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Scod:
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That was me, both times.
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Gatesy:
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Anyway, it's my big Admiral Gary Coleman, you know, interrogation scene. He loves interrogation, this character, he could do it every day, all day, weeks! He's got all the stuff out back, he's got pliers, he's got, like, scotch tape, tarring machine, everything. He's got it great. He's like, he's like the private Dick, he's the sex machine with all the chicks. He's, you know, Interrogator. He's, he's like, Interrogatesy! Yeah!
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Okay! So, tell me, Traitor Jim. Tell me what Tosswinkle's weakness is...
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Scod:
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Tosswinkle's weakness is that he dreams of settling down with a woman named Enid.
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Gatesy:
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... and may I remind you I have ways of making you...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Ha ha... did you just tell me?
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Scod:
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Yeah!
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Gatesy:
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Umm... did you... just tell me?
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Scod:
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Yeah, I told you.
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Gatesy:
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Like, without putting up a bit of a... could you put up a bit of a fight?
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Scod:
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Yeah... ahh... okay, Gatesy. "Traitor Jim".
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Gatesy:
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(Realising) Oh fuck...
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Scod:
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Ahh? You see how it all... it's like a jigsaw, you know?
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Gatesy:
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You could have told me! Like, backstage. Now these think about Gatesy, they think, "oh, what a tosser".
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Scod:
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Oh, you don't have to worry about THAT, Gatesy.
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Gatesy:
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I'm not a tosser.
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Scod:
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No, you are a tosser, there's no question of that.
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