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Everyone's a Tosser
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Scod:
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But here's what I reckon about that issue. You know what I think? Everyone's a tosser!
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(To audience) Hand up, people, if you're a tosser.
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Ohh... you...
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Scod:
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Two or three?
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Gatesy:
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Yeah...
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Scod:
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Umm... the rest of you, it can be our little secret.
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All right? Because Gatesy, this is what I reckon, and I'm going to put it in song.
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Gatesy:
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Are ya?
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Scod:
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Yeah!
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Scod:
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Everyone's a tosser.
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(Scod does a little dance)
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Gatesy:
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I bet that hurt.
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Scod:
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Yeah, it did a little bit.
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Gatesy:
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That hurt.
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Scod:
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Everyone's a fool.
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Don't ever feel like you don't fit,
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'Cause Gatesy, everyone's a tool.
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Yon:
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(Reappearing suddenly) The louder that you say you're not,
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The more that it's the case.
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Gatesy:
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(Puzzled) Where did he come from?
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Yon and Scod:
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Just like everybody else,
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Scod:
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You're a real nob-face.
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Scod:
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Hey?
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Gatesy:
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I'm a nob-face!
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Scod:
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Yeah!
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Gatesy:
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(Doing Scod's dance) Oww, that does hurt.
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Scod:
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Take our little Yonny,
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Yon:
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That's me.
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Scod:
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He's a total mong.
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Yon:
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If you think that I look interesting,
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I'm sorry, you'd be wrong.
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Gatesy:
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What about old Scoddy?
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Yon:
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You could write a book on him.
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Scod:
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You could call it "Nobby the Nobsticle"
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Gatesy:
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"And his Nobtastic Voyage"!
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Yon and Scod:
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Now you're getting it!
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Gatesy:
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Hey, can I sing the next bit?
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Yon and Scod:
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Do you have to?
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Gatesy:
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Everybody's a tosser,
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Everyone's a shmo,
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From Robert Louis Stevenson,
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Tripod:
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To Edgar Allen Poe.
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We're all bloody cockspanks,
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The experts all agree.
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Scod:
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The experts, they're all tossers too.
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Gatesy:
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Just like you and me! Ha ha ha!
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Yon:
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(To audience member) You, sir. You're a tosser.
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Gatesy and Scod:
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Whoa!
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Scod:
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Hey!
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Umm... we talked about it backstage... we were going to pick on someone, make sure they're, like, smaller than us. He's a pretty big guy.
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Scod:
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(Pointing into audience) What about this lady here in the burgundy jacket? Do you think we could take her on?
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Gatesy:
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What, in a fight?
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Scod:
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Yeah.
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Gatesy:
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I could pound her down. Yeah, probably.
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Yon:
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Ahh, excuse me, madam. Is it okay if I call you "madam"? I know you're obviously quite young, but it's just that you look like someone who organises whores.
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(Audience laugh)
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Gatesy:
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Ohh... they took it the wrong way.
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Scod:
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Yeah, right.
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Yon:
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(To lady) Would you say that you're a violent person?
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Scod:
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Yeah, like, for example, have you ever killed a man? Yes or no?
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Gatesy:
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Like, if we called you a "nob-end"...
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Yon:
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Just for example...
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Gatesy:
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... would you hurt us? No?
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Scod:
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Nah, it'd be right, wouldn't it? Three! Four!
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Tripod:
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Madam, you're a nob-end,
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It's there for all to see.
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Yon:
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Don't try to deny it,
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Do you think you're better than me?
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(Yon does a little dance)
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Yon:
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Well?
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Gatesy:
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Can you stop that?
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Yon:
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Yeah.
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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Like, now?
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Yon:
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Yes, all right.
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Tripod:
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The louder that you say you're not,
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The louder that you are.
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Gatesy:
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You're a bonehead!
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Yon:
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You're a franger!
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Scod:
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You're a spazmo!
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Gatesy:
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You're a shwanger!
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Tripod:
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You're a tosser! It's a fact you can't ignore.
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Gatesy:
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'Cause everyone's a tosser.
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Yon and Scod:
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(To Gatesy) But you, slightly more.
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Gatesy:
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(Puzzled) I feel like I didn't learn anything...
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Yon and Scod:
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Tosser!
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Gatesy:
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What's up with that?
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Scod:
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Eh?
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Gatesy:
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What's going on there?
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Scod:
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All right, umm, okay, well that brings us to the end of the first half, and now we're going to have a little bit of a intermission.
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Gatesy:
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Thankyou.
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(The stage lights go off for about two seconds and then come back on)
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