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Die With Dignity
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Scod:
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Yeah, all right, get on with it Gatesy.
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Yon:
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Come on...
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Scod:
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There's a rousing speech now to the troops.
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Gatesy:
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A rousing speech?
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Yon:
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To the crew of the Enid.
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Scod:
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Yeah, as we launch the Enid.
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Gatesy:
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Yes.
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(Yon whistles)
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(Gatesy stands up on two small red wooden chairs to give his speech)
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Gatesy:
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Crew of the SS Enid! There comes a time in every man's life when he must make a giant woman out of wood and launch her into the sea!
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Yon:
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Yes! That's it, Gatesy. Really give it to them, you know!
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Gatesy:
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This is one of those times...
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Scod:
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It's good.
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Yon:
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Yeah, because it needs to be the ultimate irony at the end, when he dies.
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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What'choo talking about, Willis?
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Yon:
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What?
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(To Scod) Have you not told him?
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Scod:
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I thought you were going to tell him!
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Gatesy:
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What, are you going to kill the best character in the show at the end?
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Scod:
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Gatesy, Gatesy, it's in the script!
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Gatesy:
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Is there a script?
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Scod:
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Look...
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Yon:
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Yes...
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Gatesy:
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You can't kill the best... everyone loves Admiral Gary Coleman, he...
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Scod:
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All right, just get on with it, all right. We've just got to get through this speech...
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Gatesy:
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(Working himself up) Oh, am I your little puppet now? You're going to kill my best character and you're going to ask me to do a rousing speech? No! There will be no more rousing. There will be no more speech. Sorry, as far as I'm concerned, I still own one-third of the end of this story. I'm not going to take it lying down.
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(Picking up the small red chairs) I've got these chairs, I'm going to take my chairs... and open up a chair shop. For... dwarves who like red.
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I'm not going to take it lying down, you think I'm going to take it lying down, I'm not!
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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I'm just gonna have a bit of a lie-down.
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(Storms offstage)
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Yon:
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(Waving his arms in the air) Hey Scod, I've got an idea. Let's pretend we've never met.
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Scod:
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(Looking worried) Umm... yeah...
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(Pause)
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Scod:
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Okay, no, look, see, here's what I think, we should keep moving with the story.
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Yon:
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All right.
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Scod:
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Is that okay?
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Yon:
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Yeah.
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Scod:
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So, okay, later, aboard Tosswinkle's ship...
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Yon:
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Enid of the sunrise, streaming through the trees...
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Scod:
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(Interrupting) Tosswinkle is having a moment to himself, dreaming of his beloved Enid...
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Yon:
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(Indignant) Excuse me!
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Yon:
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Enid of the sunrise, streaming through the trees,
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Cleaning all the rice...
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Gatesy:
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(Knocks on the door of the cabin)
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Yon:
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(Facing the other direction) Yes, come in.
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Gatesy:
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(To Yon's back) Tosswinkle!
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Yon:
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(Looking around) There you are.
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Gatesy:
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Yes...
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Yon:
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You're where the knocking came from.
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Gatesy:
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Yes...
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Yon:
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WHO ARE YOU?
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Gatesy:
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Ahh! Glad you asked! I am representing the... umm... Save Gary Coleman Foundation. Yeah. And, I was wondering if you would like to donate, in the form of not killing him.
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(Pause)
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Yon:
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(Peering closely at Gatesy) Gatesy, is that you?
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Gatesy, it IS you! I've been studying acting, I'm so onto you! What are you doing?
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Gatesy:
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I just don't think he should die!
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Scod:
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Gatesy, all right, he dies at the end, all right?
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Gatesy:
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But doesn't have to die, that's what I'm saying! He doesn't have to die.
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Yon:
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Die with dignity, Gatesy.
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Gatesy:
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(Scathingly) "Die with dignity, Gatesy". "Die with dignity". Oh, let's go die with dignity. Oh, look at me die with dignity. I'm dying with dignity.
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Gatesy:
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(Pretending to play a guitar) I'm dying - dying! - with dignity-y-y-y-y-y.
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(Gatesy disappears off stage)
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Gatesy:
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(Reappearing) I'm dying with dignity...
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(Gatesy disappears again)
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