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Showdown
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Gatesy:
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(From the back of the audience) TOSSWINKLE!
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(To surrounding audience members) I scared the shit out of you, didn't I? Can we do that again? That was great though.
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TOSSWINKLE! It is I, Admiral Gary Coleman! Behold, the finest trap ever, my giant Enid. Designed to trap...
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Yon:
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Yes, yes, I see you, Gary Coleman...
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Gatesy:
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What?
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Yon:
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I see you you, Gary Coleman...
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Gatesy:
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Yes, you see me...
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Yon:
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... shaking that arse.
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Gatesy:
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... in the flesh.
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My trap will not fail! See, I'm not going to fail. I won't fail, I'm not going to die, you hear me?
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(Holding his stump/sword to the throat of an audience member) Look, I have hostages! See! Argghhhh!
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Yon:
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Admiral Coleman, we already have that person's entrance fee. By all means, kill her.
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Gatesy:
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(Releasing the hostage) Damn you and your pirate logic!
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(Gatesy and Yon raise their cricket stump swords while Gatesy runs down the aisle to the stage)
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Scod:
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Face to face they came again,
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The one with the hair, and the one with less hair.
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He'd hunted him...
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Tripod:
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... all his life.
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Scod:
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And now he's presented him with a wooden wife.
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Gary Coleman leaps gracefully from one ship to t'other.
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Gatesy:
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(Does a belly-flop onto the stage) Oww!
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Yon:
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Hey, why does he get to do heroic stuff? I want to do heroic stuff.
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Scod:
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All right, umm...
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Scod:
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Tosswinkle does a little dance, for no apparent reason.
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Yon:
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(Dances)
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Scod:
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Showdown!
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Yon and Gatesy:
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SHOWDOWN!
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Scod:
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It's a showdown before the show goes down.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Showdown!
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Yon:
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Enid of the sunrise...
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Gatesy:
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I can sing high...
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Yon:
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And I can sing low and gutsy.
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Gatesy:
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I-I-I-I-I-I-I can sing really inappropriately-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y...
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Scod:
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(Interrupting) Showdown!
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Showdown!
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Scod:
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You guys are getting the show right down.
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Tripod:
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Showdown!
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(Yon and Gatesy go to attack each other with their swords)
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(Yon and Gatesy halt at the last second and instead use their stumps as air guitars)
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Nyeow-nye-nyeow-nye-nyeow-nye-nyeow-nyeow-nyeow.
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Nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nye nye-nyeoooow...
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Scod:
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How come you guys get stumps to pretend to play the guitar on? What am I meant to pretend I've got a guitar with?
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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You're a tool.
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Gatesy:
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(To Yon) I know what you're thinking - has he fired five shots or six?
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(Pause)
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Yon:
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You're using a sword.
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Prepare yourself, en garde!
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(Another near-attack turns into a guitar riff)
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Nyeow-nye-nyeow-nye-nyeow-nye-nyeow-nyeow-nyeow.
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Nye-nye-nye-nye-nye-nye nye-nyeoooow...
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Nyeow-nye-nye-nye nyeow-nye-nye-nye nyeow-nyeow-nyeow!
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(Yon and Gatesy fight)
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Gatesy:
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Ya! Ya! Ohh! En garde! En garde! Ya! Ya! Yee haa!
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Gatesy:
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I'm going to stew you like a mutton...
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And roast you like a... strawberry...
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Yon:
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You don't cook very much, do you?
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(Yon and Gatesy fight some more)
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Scod:
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Tosswinkle was a warrior,
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An experienced fighter who was better at fighting.
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The Admiral...
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Tripod:
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... had no chance,
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(Yon stabs Gatesy, who is offstage)
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Scod:
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And Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman was kiiiiillllled...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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(Leaps from offstage with a sword stuck through him) Ha!
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Gatesy:
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I'm going to take you out... not in a romantic way.
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I'm going to make you my bitch... not in a romantic way.
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Yon:
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(Pondering this) That's not very scary.
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Gatesy:
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Umm... in a romantic way!
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Yon:
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AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
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(Yon and Gatesy fight some more. Gatesy is stabbed offstage again)
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Scod:
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This time Gary Coleman was really, definitely kiiiillllled...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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(Leaps from offstage with two swords stuck through him) Ha!
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Scod:
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(Sighing) Showdown...
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Yon and Gatesy:
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Showdown...
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Scod:
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We really need to get the show down...
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Showdown...
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(Gatesy is killed again)
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Scod:
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This time Gary Coleman was extremely, finally and fatally kiiilllled...
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(Pause)
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Gatesy:
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(Leaps from offstage with four swords stuck through him) Ha!
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Scod:
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(Groaning) Oh, God!
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Gatesy:
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Come on!
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Scod:
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Die!
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Gatesy:
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Come on!
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Scod:
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Gatesy! Will you die!
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Gatesy:
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Come on! I'm not going without a fight. No, no, you're not going to take me down that easy. Come on, come on...
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Scod:
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Could you just... you're just supposed to die...
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Yon:
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(Mutters to Scod) Could we just do that thing...
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Gatesy:
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Hey, you can talk all you want, I'm not going to die...
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Scod:
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(Mutters to Yon) Yeah...
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Gatesy:
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Think of something else.
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Scod:
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All right... umm... Gatesy, looks like you win.
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Scod:
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Gary Coleman...
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Tripod:
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... liiiiiives!
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Gatesy:
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(Dropping all the swords stuck in him, including one between his legs) Ha! Owww... splinters! Ow!
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