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The war with your spouse starts the moment you stop loving her as your wife and start loving yourself more then you love her and continue in this attitude. You stop showing the type of love Jesus has for her and start loving her with worldly love. A marriage struggles when worldly love is the attitude spouses have to each other as it is based on on different principles to God’s Love.

The only way a marriage can really succeed is if you show God’s type of Love to each other in all you do. Only as The Holy Spirit guides you in all you do will you show this type of love and relate to your spouse as you should.

Do not look at another person who could threaten your relationship with your spouse.

They feel rejected, inadequate and wonder why you do not do that with them but with another. If they were adequate you would be flirting with them, taking them out and having a closer relationship with them. A wedge is formed in the marriage relationship which if continued will eventually drive the spouse away to protect their emotions.

So if you want to start to destroy your marriage flirt with another, take them out and spend time with them instead of your spouse and stop loving her in the way God loves her.

The major hindrance to reconciliation is that the love of God is not in the relationship in the way it should be. The relationship has been damaged through fear and/or supposed or real rejection. We are commanded by Jesus to Love (John 13:34-35) and He states that we are His followers if we Love as He commands us too. This is not a discretionary thing. It is a command so we are to do it regardless of the cost to us. This lack of love results in four things that further poison the relationship with God and their spouse:

Each of these has serious consequences for the person holding them in their heart. It also results in small things irritating them and causing further problems. Often the small things themselves are of no eternal consequence and are used by Satan because of this as they do not raise warnings about them in our spirit.

Unforgiveness is the most serious of sins as it stops you from going to heaven. Jesus said in Matthew 6:15:

If you do not forgive others their wrongs against you (sins) then The Father in heaven cannot forgive you your sins and you do not go to heaven. It is not that He will not forgive you but that He cannot as He has to reward you according to your choices and if you do not forgive another he cannot do to you what you have chosen not to do which is to forgive.

Bitterness is the next stage after unforgiveness. It will always have a hearing. Bitterness will find reasons to criticize another and results in maligning others and often slandering them and will always find someone to tell these things too. It is gossip in its worst form as it is vindictive. Bitterness definitely ensures you do not go to heaven if not repented of.

The resultant offence caused toward your spouse ensures that you cannot bring your gift to God, so anything you do is not acceptable to God while you knowingly do not reconcile to your spouse (the person you have offended).

The requirement for you is to try and reconcile. If they do not accept it then it becomes their problem but God can once again accept your ministry (your gift to Him). It is not the success of the reconciliation that restores you but the attitude of wanting to reconcile as in that is the love of God shown and not in the result which is an expression of the attitude.

The marriage covenant is binding. It is made before God and He alone can declare it broken. We are responsible to hold ourselves to the covenant regardless of the behaviour of our spouse and to try and sort out all the problems that arise in the relationship with our spouse. The fact that we follow Jesus as Lord keeps us to this covenant as it is really obedience, in regard to the marriage, of a requirement of His. The fact that a spouse is not keeping their part is irrelevant. We are responsible for what we do with our life and not what they do with theirs.

To break this covenant without His permission is to break the vows you made before Him to your spouse.

Spiritually, there may be no marriage as the other partner had rejected you as their spouse for various reasons. The vows made before God still stand though, unless the other spouse or yourself have committed adultery. The legal impediments of the land need to be removed through divorce though so you can remarry and protect each other legally. The vows made to God are removed through adultery or remarriage (which is adultery if the Lord has not declared the marriage over).

Not all marriages are put together by God. Many marry without asking God who to marry. God has to allow them their choice but it is not His Will for them. If you definitely know God has put you together as a couple then divorce is disobedience. You need to do all you can to make the marriage a success or it is disobedience also.

Jesus is merciful and if a spouse is too damaged to deal with necessary issues in their life. He will often take them home before they loose their salvation or He will appear to them and give them a choice. He is merciful and not legalistic.

Both spouses need deliverance and healing to be able to relate as they should. I recommend that couples both have deliverance ministry before the marriage vows are taken in order to remove hurts and pain that will cause problems in the marriage.

Unfortunately many do not do this and later in the marriage one spouse usually gets deliverance while the other does not and the problems in the marriage worsen. One suffers while waiting for the other to go through deliverance. The spouse who has had deliverance has the responsibility to pray for the other until they are free of hurts and pain and can relate as they should. If the abuse is too great then the abused spouse can leave (for their own safety) until God deals with their marriage partner or removes their marriage partner from this earth.

The abused spouse is a steward f themself and the children they have been given so must remove these from any danger they face from their spouse or other until it is past

Sometimes one spouse becomes a Christian and the other does not. The responsibility, then, is for the Christian spouse to pray the other into The Kingdom of God and not nag them into it. There is a promise in 1 Peter 3:1-6 for a Christian wife who is married to a non-Christian spouse.

Satan needs to stop communication between the partners so they do not know how they feel about each other. He knows that if they knew their love for one other he could not poison their minds toward each other.

He starts by sowing doubts about whether or not their spouse loves them. Next he tries to make the husband/wife uncertain about their own love toward their spouse so doubt and fears start to occur. Uncertainty about their love occurs and fear of the other partner’s motives starts to rear its ugly head. Fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, low self esteem (fear of being worthless) all come into play and the walls and masks come up. Any attempt at communication with or relating to the spouse is rejected (as it threatens their self-worth), so that each spouse lives their own life and relates as little and as best as possible or divorce. There may be unrepented anger at the other spouse which stops deliverance and will prevent the angry spouse going to heaven.

The unforgiveness must be deliberate and not a result of hurts so that they do not realise they have it. God is merciful and understands and it is only for actions we have any knowledge of that we are judged. So if the person does not know they have unforgiveness then God will show them and only after they are shown are they in danger of losing their salvation if they still refuse to forgive.

The relationship becomes stilted and each partner looks elsewhere for fulfilment and meaningful relationships, so adultery or inordinate friendships occur. Each spouse devises their own coping mechanisms intended to restore self-worth and to cope with the situation. Coping mechanisms can include hobbies, more involvement in paid or volunteer work, religious service, and other external activities that do not need to involve the other spouse. When hurts are taken into a new marriage, these breakdowns can accelerate quickly and after a short time they wonder what they saw in the other person.

If the emotional hurts are really bad, addictions occur to ease the hurt (sex, drugs, pornography, smoking and alcohol are common ones).

If I hold onto my hurts and choose to be offended I am saying I have a right to be offended. Jesus told us that we do not have this right to hold onto an offence and not forgive the person offending us. By holding onto this offence and not forgiving you are really being self righteous and in danger of losing your salvation.

In a marriage, no spouse has a right not to forgive their marriage partner through holding onto hurts or offences. Doing this indicates a ‘holier-than-thou’ self-righteous attitude which destroys relationship and implies one spouse is better than the other. It also kills love for the spouse as love and unforgiveness cannot exist together.

It all shows the need for deliverance from low self esteem or low self worth that allow this attitude to occur to make the person feel worthwhile so that they can survive as a person.

If you love your spouse you will give up all selfish rights so you can carry out your love for them as Jesus wants you to. Love ignores hurts and pain as it seeks the betterment of the other and the meeting of their needs (not greeds) before their own and any selfish rights they have are ignored to do this.

The is no self-interest in marriage. You are either helping others to realize who they are as a person or serving Jesus and expressing His Kingdom in all you do to your spouse and others.

For a marriage to work each spouse must die to self interest and express Jesus in all they do.

Jesus alone is your judge so you have no right to judge another. All you can do is to say "The Bible says this and as far as I evaluate what you are doing you are not doing what it says."

Then you help them to see what they are doing wrong, how to fix or deal with it and help them pray the five steps is needed. All this is to be done out of love for them and not for any feelings of superiority or control.

This attitude also applies to all other relationships we have as God’s Love does not change to fit the situation.

If a person loves their spouse as Jesus does, when they see a fault in their spouse they discuss how to deal with it rather than criticise them for it and walking away.

They will determine their part in helping the spouse to deal with the problem and will lovingly support them as they work their way through the problem no matter how long it takes to resolve it.

If deliverance is needed they will help each other in this until they are free from the demons using the fault.

The is no self-interest in marriage. You are either helping others to realize who they are or serving Jesus and expressing His Kingdom in all you do to your spouse and others.

For a marriage to work each spouse must die to self interest and express Jesus in all they do.

You should never condemn, shame, judge, criticise, pour guilt on or abuse physically your spouse. This is a definite way to destroy love and marriage, and in really damaged people, destroy them as well.

Shame is triggered by guilt (you have failed the standard) and occurs where legalism rules instead of love. If you shame your spouse you need deliverance for perfectionism and legalism and the self-esteem problems that allow these to be present in you. Your spouse will need deliverance from the results of your actions towards her.

Shame is tied up with pride. The person needs to be important and have self-esteem by what they do but they fail so are ashamed of themselves. This also shows a need for deliverance in the person for low self-esteem and wrong attitudes to service and acceptance of themself.

When these attitudes occur in a relationship both spouses need healing before the relationship can truly be like it should be. This deliverance should have been done in the betrothal stage and not in the marriage which is why I recommend deliverance be gone through by betrothed people before marriage.

Perfectionism denies this and states that God requires more than this of us. In the Bible, a ‘perfect’ person is one who lives according to their level of spiritual maturity and not one who does not make a mistake in anything they do. Only Jesus was perfect in its true sense.

We are to use our God given abilities as best we can and trust Him for the result. To do more is to fall short of His requirements which is technically sin.

So do not let the devil convince you to be a perfectionist but work within that which God allows and expects and trust Him for the rest.

A perfectionist sees all others as inadequate to them and no one can satisfy their standard usually which is why this attitude is so dangerous to a marriage. Their spouse can never meet their standard, will always feel inadequate and unloved and as result will never be able to fulfil their role as a spouse as they should.

If you apologise for the last two reasons you, the other person or both of you need deliverance in some way.

If it is not worth trying to apologise to a person as they will not receive it you must still try but it is obvious that the person needs deliverance.

In a marriage where love is supreme there should be no fear of apologising as there is no fear of rejection by or being unworthy to the other person.

Marriage is an act of two people. Two individuals committing their lives, hopes bodies and spirits to one another under the headship of God. Two becoming one.

When adultery occurs it causes a breakage of these deeply committed parts of an individual. The Bible states that if a person even looks upon another with lust they have committed adultery. Adultery is the lusting for someone out side the marriage to fulfil what is meant to be performed only in the married.

Adultery occurs because hurts are not dealt with and brought into the marriage so that a partner goes elsewhere to have their needs met emotionally. It is when these needs turn sexual either as lust in their heart or physically as a result of this lust that adultery occurs. The physical only occurs because the heart has already decided to do the sin.

A person comes into the relationship with problems they do not realise they have and a sense of imperfection or guilt makes them believe they cant go to their spouse for help, especially if the spouse is felt (either correctly or incorrectly) to be the cause of the hurts. They go to another for help and often before they realise they end up in adultery and wonder how it happened.

Marriage was designed by God to show His Love for the church through the use of marriage as a parallel of the love he has for the church. Anything that mars marriage mars the illustration of His love and needs to be dealt with, usually through deliverance before the relationship becomes so bad that adultery occurs.

Recognition of the hurts in a marriage that lead to adultery and the dealing of them with deliverance is the key to prevent Satan from getting any further hold in the area. and repentance and asking for discussion and forgiveness with God and the partner is the key to healing.

Both partners are responsible for adultery when it occurs. One has not had their needs met by the other and has found acceptance elsewhere. Often this adultery would not have occurred if the hurts Satan used to cause this situation had been dealt with through deliverance (preferably before the marriage had occurred). Deliverance removes the hurts allowing restoration of the spiritual relationship in the marriage.

Marriage is a spiritual act and the spiritual relationship must be dealt with first. The physical does nothing but reinforces the spiritual so to use the physical side to heal the spiritual damage fails and results really is no finalisation of the situation. This is why having sex does not solve any problems and that the love = sex belief fails to heal anything.

Sex is part of the roles of marriage and is discussed separately in another booklet.

Reason does not help either as it is usually controlled by emotions . You need to step back, not react or assume things and listen to The Holy Spirit as to what you are to do. You need to reject emotion and reason and listen only to The Holy Spirit.

The person who sinned feels guilty and dirty usually and unable to be forgiven. The person sinned against feels hurt and wounded. Deliverance is needed by both before the relationship can be restored to what it should be.

Both need to examine the reasons that resulted in the adultery and both need to realise each has contributed something to the hurts that will lead to divorce and need to repent of these before there is a chance for reconciliation.

Each spouse must repent and reconcile to the spouse for the offence occurred or Jesus cannot hear their prayers or receive their gifts

The party sinned against party (through the adultery) must forgive the sinful spouse or they do not go to heaven

The hurts in both spouses need to be dealt with

The hurts in the person sinned against need to be dealt with

The problems in the marriage that resulted in the adultery need to be dealt with.

There is usually sin in both sides of the camp or the adultery would not have occurred.

Jesus is their judge not the person sinned against

There is forgiveness and healing at Calvary if the adulterer is truly repentant. This is spiritual healing and will result in physical healing but cannot stop events like pregnancy which God will help you both to cope with.

Trust and love have been bruised. How does one restore these? How does one learn to trust the other person again and let down the defences to be able to love them again as their spouse?

If your spouse is truly repentant and asks forgiveness for any hurts or offence caused it shows they love you and are sad for hurting you

They show by their actions that they love you (service and not sex)

The hurt in their heart needs to be healed so they can love again

The hopes that were dashed need to be rekindled. Both need to be seen together in the future God has promised for them

If God says to accept them back you must trust Him to prepare you for the reconciliation and that it is worth being reconciled to them.

You may need to recommit to the relationship to Jesus and to each other and say your marriage vows again

You must still Love them as God does even though you may have trouble loving them as a spouse

You will need deliverance from"

Things put on you by Satan without your consent

Deep hurts you do not know are there that Satan is using (Framework of the five steps to deal with the root causes of these hurts)

Wrong emotions hidden in you that you need to deal with

Whatever else The Holy Spirit shows you to deal with

You will also need to give the whole situation of reconciliation to Jesus using the framework of the five steps.

Above all be led by The Holy Spirit in all things as He knows what is best to do in all situations including adultery and the subsequent reconciliation and rebuilding of the Marriage.

You wonder why pastors are so ineffective at stopping divorce in the church. Perhaps it is because they do not do deliverance on both spouses or they feel it is not their responsibility or they may even have a wrong viewpoint about women and their role in marriage. You wonder about the latter point when you read the experience of Susan that follows:

In the Pentecostal church we were fellowshipping in and also were in leadership as Children’s Pastors and lay pastors, the times when the women went to the senior pastor or his second in charge pastor to ask for help according to the Bible as their husbands would not listen to them and the marriage in some cases had become abusive, they were told that they were in sin or the marriage would not have problems because their submission would cause the marriage to be successful and to go away and seek God again for themselves and to be better servants to their husbands.

Many belonged to Promise keepers which was ideologically meant to encourage men to be Godly men encouraged to keep their promise as husbands to their wives however the submission issue became religious ad all issues in marriages were directed back to the wife and her seemingly obvious disobedience or the marriage would be fine as far as the man was concerned. I was sent away when I went to the associate senior pastor about my husband and his abuse emotionally and issues with pornography. I too was sent away to seek God for my sin as my husband appeared to be a good man to this man who had befriended him and stated he had brought him to the Lord so there would be no issue as far as he could see as my husband was his spiritual baby.

I found no solace in the church as another of my friends who in fact was held down against her will to be exorcised as her husband watched because she was an intercessor and warned the church about some issues and asked for help also about the secret abuse she was enduring and her husband’s pornography issue.

SADLY HER HUSBAND FELT EMPOWERED BY THIS AND THE PROBLEM HAS NEVER BEEN DEALT WITH TO THIS DAY. SHE NOW PREFERS TO HIDE AND NOT INVOLVE HERSELF IN THE CHURCH OTHER THAN TO PRAY FOR THOSE PEOPLE GOD PUTS IN HER HEART. SHE CANNOT BRING A WORD NOW AS SHE IS TERRIFIED.

Another marriage has ended from this same church as the wife sought help re a pornography issue and it was not resolved but the woman told she needed to be more submissive.

These are examples from one church yet there are many similar where the women are encouraged to silence their needs and problems in fear of retribution as a less than ‘above rubies wife’. This scripture was always quoted when the women sought help and they were told they were lacking or God would have intervened Himself.

Women need to be able to seek advise and counsel from the church leadership. They are NOT second class citizens of the church and their issues may be a warning of a sin taking hold in the body as was in this church. Incidentally this church closed 2 years later.

I remember when we went to the senior pastor to tell Him the Lord had told us it was time to move on and the Lord had told us where to fellowship the pastor then told my husband that he was aware of his sin issues and they were exactly as I had pleaded for help years prior but he was too timid to speak into another man’s life and God would have done it if it was necessary I was floored as this issue grew not dealt with but hidden and allowed to grow till adultery occurred and divorce followed when if dealt with at the root it may have been avoided.

Women need to be heard as equals to men.

My comment is that any pastor who does not deal in equality with any problems of his flock is not a pastor but an imposter especially where he shows preference for the position of men over women. He also does not understand headship and marriage and really follows a gospel where people are not equal before Jesus.

Be warned you who minister that you treat the daughters of the father as you would treat men or you will give a greater account of any evil you have done to His daughters in protection of the ‘headship’ of the man.