More on Headship

Submitting in Love to one another

There is no actual verse that says that specifically but it is a term that is used a lot. The nearest verse I could find was the following verse

We are also told to submit to each other out of respect and obedience to God.

So what does it men to ’submit in love’? It is actually a combination of two concepts:

This is also how husband and wife are to submit to each other, not as Master/Servant relationship in that the wife does all the submission but out of love for each other they serve their spouse and submit in the service they do for them. The Submission is really service because they love their spouse and is not a situation where they are ordered or told to do something by the other spouse. It is submission by attitude and not by role so that the attitude of submission (humility) is because of loving service and not because they are ordered to submit.

The wife submits to the husband domestically as well as out of Christian love in other areas because her husband has needs in various areas (not just domestic areas) so she serves him in this way because God asks her to fulfil those needs of her husband and she loves him sufficiently top do this. The husband submits to the needs of his wife and meets her needs as ordered by God but does this out of love for her and not compulsion just as God voluntarily submits to serve the needs of his church out of love for them.

Love never does anything for another they should be doing themselves but will help another who is has problems and will either teach them how to do it if this is what is required or help them do it if it is only assistance they need.

As usual, all service is firstly to God who directs you how, where and when to help the person so you need to be guided by The Holy Spirit in all your service so it will be as God wants it to be.

The other side of this service relationship is that the person being served must be willing to accept the service and the love that goes with it. In other words, they will trust you to serve them. This acceptance of service only if they trust you is the wrong perspective by the person being served. God has sent you there to serve them so it is He who has mandated this service to the person. The person being served needs to trust God for what happens and not reject God’s Grace (in sending a servant/helper) to them.

If the person is serving for selfish pleasure or gain then it is not from God and can be ignored unless God tells you to allow you to be served.

If your loving service is rejected then do what you can for the person and what you cannot do leave to God. He has mandated the service and it is up to Him to deal with that part of it you cannot or are not allowed to do.

So when you serve in love it is not menial service but submission out of love for the person for their betterment in the way God has directed you to serve them.

Submitting to another to learn from them.

The husband should submit to the wife as she knows more about what needs to be done in certain areas and he should submit and learn how to do these things if only to appreciate her work in these areas. Examples being: cleaning, shopping and similar where she has been trained all her life to do these things by her mother. The husband is a helper and a servant to do her will in these things submitting to her knowledge and by this giving her authority over him in these areas.

Whatever area the spouse or husband is experienced in the other should submit and serve in love as a helper. The husband has been given headship over the wife but Jesus says to submit to each other to serve in love and help each other. It is a foolish husband who demands submission of the wife in an area she knows more than him about unless The Holy Spirit tells Him to do something she does not want to do.

The husband always has the final say as that has been given to him by Jesus but the wife serves Jesus and not the husband who also serves Jesus so really they both submit to The Holy Spirit who tells them what Jesus wants in the marriage.

There are really three aspects of this commanding the wife by the husband:

Firstly they both submit to Jesus and must do what He says as guided by The Holy Spirit. So He really needs to be consulted about :

When the husband commands the wife is to ask The Holy Spirit:

They then need to clarify with The Holy Spirit what is to be done and how and when it is to be done. This dialogue is necessary as not all hear The Holy Spirit clearly at times.

No matter what The Husband says, the wife is not to react or assume things but to ask The Holy Spirit what to do. If she reacts Satan will use the reactions or assumptions to bring up the fears of the past and cause problems in the marriage.

Secondly, the husband should always check with The Holy Spirit before he commands the wife to do anything as he only has authority to command her as Jesus says he is to because he is commanding her to do the Will of Jesus for that marriage.

Thirdly, as both are Christians who love each other they should speak to each other lovingly and graciously so the command to the wife will be like a request and not an authoritative "do this or else" type of command.

An example is the difference between this command:

And this type of command:

Susan said she could respond to the first command as it is a request ( a command done graciously) but the second would cause her to react.

The Bible says how we are to speak to each other and commands to the wife, though precise and authoritative, should be spoken in the way the Bible says.

The command should edify (build up the wife in some way) as well as promote The Kingdom of God and help the marriage/household in some way.

Serving your spouse

If you truly love your spouse you will joyfully serve them. Routine household chores will give you pleasure as you give pleasure to your spouse because the result of your labours pleases them.

This is why you should always appreciate what your spouse does no matter how menial it is. as it shows you take joy from what they do for you and this encourages them more to serve you in these menial tasks.

You should also help your spouse in these as is necessary to show you appreciate what they do because you are willing to help them do it.

What attitudes should married people have?

The basis of marriage is spiritual so the attitudes of marriage have to be spiritual: love, joy, etc (The fruit of The Holy Spirit). If the marriage is based on worldly attitudes then it will fail.

Marriage is a spiritual relationship that has its outworking in the physical. Though the attitudes are spiritual it is in the physical that they are expressed in the way we relate to others. That is why it is said "by their fruits you will know them". This is because the fruits of your life are a result of the attitude of your spirit in you.

We are spirits in a body and use this body to express ourselves in this world. It is our spirits that direct what we do so we need to focus on spiritual values in marriage (as well as the others areas of our life). The physical expression in marriage towards our spouse is a result of the spiritual expression to them. How we express the Holy Spirit in us and think in accordance with ‘the Mind of Christ’

All begins in our spirit so for a marriage to be a good one the spirits of both people must be in harmony (Amos 3:3) and that can only happen if they are one through The Holy Spirit in each of them, a result of Jesus being their Lord as well as Lord of the Marriage. This affects their emotions so that they can show love and is reflected in the physical through service and sex.

So unless your spirits are right with each other and there is nothing to cause emotional problems with each other then the relationship will be a holy unity in Jesus and its expression will always be in love.

Because marriage is a spiritual state reflected in the physical you can still feel each others emotions at times even though you are not together. As you touch each others hearts in the spiritual they are one and in the soul will be felt the effects of the others love towards you. The closer you are to each other spiritually, the more you will feel the heart of the other.

In Marriage the mind-set must be different. It is not two people coming together it is two people who are as one coming together and it is only as they are united by The Holy Spirit can it be so.

There is a difference. Individuals look at how the relationship benefits them. In marriage you look at the needs of the other person before you own and what you can put into it and not what you can get out of it as love is the basis for the relationship and love gives and does not take.

In a marriage a person gives to the relationship without expectation of pleasure except the pleasure of giving the other person pleasure and benefiting them.

So when you are approaching marriage you should look at it not as two individuals but as a couple relating as a unit who are one because of soul ties resulting from sex and spiritual ties through the one common Holy Spirit in them.

When you are in the betrothal period you need to develop this new mind-set which should not be a problem as it is an expression of the Spirit of Christ in you. So this need to be worked at in preparation for marriage. This unity is what God wants mentally and spiritually as when this is in place the physical and emotional will be in place and He can use you as He desires to and in this will give you purpose as well as pleasure.

Part of the bonding and unifying in marriage is helping a spouse carry out their role (but with their permission). This shows the servant heart of the spouse towards them and will invoke a response of love in their spirit and draw them closer to their spouse.

A spouse is to love others as Jesus loves us and there is no exception to this. The commandment is not conditional and there appears to be no exceptions to it. So you have no excuse for not loving your spouse!

We are not to seek to do evil to our spouse or punish them in retaliation for the pain they cause us and we are to pray and give thanks that Jesus is in control so that all things are working for our eternal good, not necessarily our present good.

We are also to be thankful that God is in every situation working for our best.

We are to trust God’s Love, Control, Plans and Purposes in our situation and apply the principles of Mat 6:33, by doing what He shows us to obey each moment of the day and letting Him look after the results of our obedience as well as what will happen in the future (tomorrow).

We should also be seeking to help their spiritual maturing and growth as well as warring against demons oppressing them and trying to use them against you or anyone else.

It is an act of faith to behave this way as you must believe God is able to do good for you out of the situation you are in. We cannot see the overall plan but he can (Prov 3:5-7).

We should also think only positive things so Satan cannot pollute our mind.

Marriage is one of the most important areas of your life even more important than the betrothal period, which is why Satan pays so much attention to it. To survive you must both be led by The Holy Spirit to keep your marriage vows and live according to the attitudes Jesus advises you to have. Do this and your marriage will be sound and you will have children that will grow up undamaged and follow the Lord.

U

nity in Decision Making

If both spouses are led by the Holy spirit then the domestic headship will really be under Jesus. So the spiritual and domestic head of the marriage will really be Jesus. all three (Jesus and both spouses) will walk in unity of purpose and it will be holy unity as all done for the purposes of Jesus:

If you believe your spouse is an equal you will treat her as such. Headship being reserved for when a final decision is needed and there is a dead lock. This situation usually arises if one of the spouses cannot hear The Holy SPirit and may needs deliverance or repentance from a sin. SOmetimes God may not tell the wife so she will trust the headship of the man and serve Jesus obediently in this.

The stewardship of the family has been given to the man and he has to explain to God what he did. So when a wife does not hear The Spirit she needs to trust this arrangement that God has placed her in. There is also the fact that The Holy Spirit will lead you both so that headship is really that of Jesus in the spiritual and domestic side of a marriage. Where there is a conflict of decision between husband and wife you need to find out why as God does not make conflict or dissension.

Beside, if you consult the spouse and you reach a joint decision

And really, The Holy Spirit should have told you what he wants done anyway so that the consulting is more for seeing if you agree on what you have heard from him and if not what needs to be addressed to reach agreement.

Emotion, logic and reason in a marriage.

Emotion should never be a cause for acting or doing something, Emotion is either a reaction to something or the result of an attitude being expressed

Reactions are used by Satan to guide and/or control people so never react irrationally. You should always ask The Holy Spirit what to do.

Love results in reactions such as tenderness compassion and any positive emotion that results from a correct attitude to your spouse can be expressed in an marriage. Any negative emotions expressed mean: deliverance, possibly spiritual warfare, or problem resolution needs to occur.

Reason and logic should only be used to work out how to do something The Holy Spirit asks you to do which will include planning as a couple, godly relaxation, and working through problems and circumstances in accordance with what The Holy Spirit has told you too do.

In a marriage, logic and reason are to be used (as guided by The Holy Spirit) for the purposes God. Emotion should only be a result and not a cause of your actions in the marriage and ever then they should be positive emotions that express tenderness and build up your spouse.

Conflict in Marriage

When there is a conflict in a marriage there are three choices:

If you do nothing or protect yourself then you need deliverance in an area otherwise the marriage will fail. There might not be a divorce but you will both end up married but single. Legally married but living separate lives.

I you love your spouse you will resolve conflict and sort out any wrong attitudes or knowledge that is causing the conflict. Your love for each other will grow and you will mature more as you both see that your spouse loves you sufficiently to keep the relationship. Doing nothing or putting up walls does not mean you hate your spouse. It simply means you have problems that stops you expressing God’s Love as you should.

Remember also to determine if the subject being argued about is of eternal significance. It may be of no moral eternal value in itself but may cause you to sin through showing a lack of love in the discussion over it. So ask The Holy Spirit what to do and if you have a problem with the decision then check if you need deliverance in a related area.

Ministry as a Couple

A woman feels emotion more keenly than a man and is more sensitive to spiritual things. A man is more rational and logical and is usually not as sensitive as a female in spiritual things.

Susan gets images I get thoughts. At times she will be looking in the soul of a person and I will say to her look for this. She will then see it. She will then tell me what the writing is as at times I don not know what it says . So we work as a couple in this way. At times she will confirm something as she is thinking the same thing I am at the same time. We compliment and balance each other in this way.

In this balance of giftings used correctly is proper ministry in the marriage as they use their giftings to supplement each other as they minister.

This balance of gifts is established by God so they will mesh as one as they minister and represent the Kingdom using complimentary and similar giftings.

To deny women ministry is to reject what God has done to prepare a husband and wife to minister together as a couple.

The ministry of each spouse

God calls us to serve Him in an area and husband and wives are called to serve each other in the area of marriage by correctly carrying out their roles. This is their ministry to each other. This ministry of obedience to God and service to each other is part of their "worship of God by their life" and should be a natural result of who they are in Jesus. When they have their roles in place then He will have them minister to others.

God cannot bless a willfully disobedient spouse and all that spouse does that apparently is good is probably worthless for the purpose of that spouose’s ministry being acceptable to God as they cannot come before Him because they are a hypocrite (Job 13:16). They have made vows before God and are not keeping them so are living in disobedience. The resultant offence caused to the other spouse also blocks God from accepting their gifts (worship/ministry) and any unforgiveness, bitterness or resentment means that God cannot forgive them and they are in danger of going to hell. Any spouse in this situation needs deliverance from the hurts causing them to act this way.

Domestic Headship for single women

The Bible states that the man is the domestic head of the house not the woman. Jesus has delegated that role to the man and not the woman. If the man is not there it falls back on Jesus as there is no one to delegate it too. This means a single mother or separated mother (whose husband has rejected his role in the family) can give Jesus all their worries about the domestic side of their situation to Jesus and just do what Jesus says and leave all the problems with Him. While the woman may have some of the man’s responsibility the worries belong to Jesus so you should give them all to Him.

This is what Mat 6:33 states. 1 Pet 5:7 also states as a general principle to do this. So single mothers (divorced or otherwise) should ensure they treat Jesus as their Husband till He sends a physical husband to replace Him.

Example to Children

Parents are to remember that they set the example for their children of what marriage is like. How a husband and wife relate to each other will affect how their children relate to the opposite sex. It is also hypocritical of parents to ask their children to obey them if they are not obeying Jesus.

The children may see the way their parents relate and may decide they never want a girlfriend or boyfriend (depending on their sex) or to get married as the relationship between the parents is so bad and they do not want to end up like them.

If Jesus is central to the marriage He will be central to the household and the children will grow up without any emotional problems and relate to the opposite sex as they should.

Boundaries in Marriage

In all relationships there are associated boundaries, The closer the relationship the fewer the boundaries that need to be stated or enforced. Love is the only criteria in a family. It is the boundary God sets on these relationships. According to the degree of love will be the need for boundaries.

Love should be the basis of all boundaries. However, society has made its own boundaries, its own special rules of relating and of determining boundaries because the love of many has grown cold so relationships are now legalistic or ritualistically being afraid to or unable to express love in relationships that are not familial. Some are for the purposes of God (these have to be kept), and some for the purposes of man. These must be kept if it causes another to sin by not keeping them unless they go against the boundaries God has determined.

When a boundary in a relationship) is damaged it needs to be rebuilt. The closer the relationship, the more is the damage and the harder it is to rebuild in our own strength.

It requires forgiveness and Love, the Love Jesus has for them to be able to rebuild these relationships and restore the relationship and its boundaries.

Pride stops this as it stops Love, as can low self-esteem, and self-rejection as a result of the defence mechanisms it sets up in you.

Only as guided by The Holy spirit can these Close relationships and associated boundaries really be restored.

Headship and boundaries

Headship results in boundaries because there are authority lines set up by God and these create boundaries. These are flexible as each partner will serve each other in love and cross the boundaries in an acceptable way to show this love. Apart from the expression of love, boundaries of authority should not be crossed (except as told when to and how to by The Holy Spirit) or one spouse will usurp the authority of another and sin in some way.

In conclusion I deal with Adam’s Sin

It is to the man (Adam) the sin was accounted as being the cause of death and not the woman who ate first. If Adam had been carrying out his responsibilities correctly Eve would never have been near that tree and as head of the family He was responsible for protecting her from sin. As caretaker of the Garden he was responsible for protecting that tree from people. So he failed in both areas of stewardship: towards God and towards his wife.