Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?

Father: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so
let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call
you the people. We'll call the maid the working class, and your baby
brother we will call the future. Do you understand?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper,
the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He
then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw
his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard
by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went
back to bed.

The next morning:

Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.

Father: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Ok, Dad. While management is screwing the working class, the
government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored, and
the future is full of shit.

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage
and after marriage.

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The Arab and the Jewish Guy...

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when
he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he
walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting
at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
I have one here that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, son don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later, the Arab came crawling back to where
the man was still sitting behind his card table. The Jewish man said,
"I told you it was about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right, but they wouldn't let me in
without a tie."

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was
an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the
fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew
a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into four equal piles of
three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got
a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can
your dog do?
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff."
Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, went
to the cabinet and filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for workers compensation, and went home for the rest
of the day on sick leave.

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Two Indians and a Cajun were walking in the desert, when, all of a
sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave. He hollered into the cave, "Wooooo! Wooooo!Woooooo!" and
then listened until he heard the answer......."Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He then proceeded to tear his clothes off and run into the cave.

The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was the Indian crazy or something?
"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when
you see a cave and holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", and get an answer
back it means that she is in there waiting to mate with you."

Just about then, this Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up
to the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Woooo! Wooooo!" When he heard the
return "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", off came his clothes and into the cave
he went.

Well, the Cajun started thinking about all of this and decided to find a
cave for himself so off he went running around the desert searching.
All of a sudden, he looked up and saw a great big cave. As he looked in
amazement, he was thinking, "Mon Amie! Look at zee size of dat cave.
Maybe, it's beegerr den de ones dat dose Indi-ons found. Der mus be
sometin' really great in dis here cave hole!"

Well, he took off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of
ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" as loud as he could. He was just tickled all over when
he heard the answering call of "WOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!"

Off came his clothes and, with a huge smile on his face, he raced into
the cave.....

The next day in the newspaper, the headline read.......

"NAKED COONASS RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!"

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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for
the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the
manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."