TENNIS NEWS ITEMS
by STAFF REPORTERS
Scud pimple may end career
The glittering career of Davis Cupappoussis (the tennis artist formerly known as Mark Philippoussis) may be over after he suffered a nasty pimple on his chin overnight.
Only days after being unable to play a competitive match during the European indoor season because he awoke with a sore neck after “sleeping badly”, Scud found himself faced with a large pimple on his chin, just below the right hand corner of his mouth yesterday.
“I think this is probably it,” a camp insider admitted. “When he slept awkwardly and had a stiff neck, that was one hell of a hurdle. I don’t think he can come back from this pimple.
” The acne is believed to have been caused by a fast food chain chocolate sundae, consumed by Cupappoussis as he sulked in the wake of his sore neck. It started as a small red welt but built overnight into a genuine white head, bulging off Scud’s chin. “It’s a beauty,” admitted fellow Australian player Lleyton Hewitt. “It’s one of those pimples that is just so built up you find yourself itching to squeeze it.”
Cupappoussis has cancelled all tournament play for the rest of the year and is believed to be en route to Zurich to consult skin specialists at the Ponds Institute.
“It’s a long shot but if anybody can turn this around, it’s the team at Ponds,” said a Cupappoussis team official. “I just hope Scud has got it in him for one more comeback. The game has thrown up some tough breaks for the kid. He’s got to dig deep yet again.”
Australian tennis star Mark Philippoussis has formally changed his name by Deed Poll to "Davis Cupuppoussis". "It's just something that I wanted to do. It's a very personal thing," the racquet artist formerly known as Scud said. "I don't think many people in Australia realise how precious the Davis Cup is to me and my family. I love it so much that I wanted to meld with the Cup, become one. I certainly love it a lot more than that ponytailed prick, Rafter, does. "Rafter doesn't have his name on the Cup at all. I do twice now." Cupuppoussis began competing this week under his new moniker, receiving a mix of cheers and boos from a surprised Antwerp crowd. It didn't help that the announcer said: "At the southern end of the court is Mark Phila-I mean, um, Davis Cupuppoussis … you've got to be fucking kidding?" "I expected that," Cupuppoussis admitted. "People don't understand. They think I'm only in tennis for myself, for the money, to buy hot cars." Fellow Australian touring players Pat Rafter, Lleyton Hewitt and Todd Woodbridge reacted in disbelief when told of their occasional Cup teammate's name change. Hewitt was so astonished that he accidentally placed his baseball cap, peak forward, on his head. He was unable to comment. Rafter was more forthright. "This is an outrage. Scud told me he was changing to 'Mark Ferrarippoussis' … but never this. How am I going to get the Australian public to embrace my new name of 'Pat The New Rocket Brave Aussie Cup Hero' after this?" Woodbridge scurried off to the Deed Poll office, anxious to find out how his application to become "Todd Wimbledonbridge" was progressing. Apparently Woodbridge has a second prospective new name, "Todd Notjustadoublesplayer" also going through the administrative process, just in case.
Above stories are from The Bladder. They are not meant to be taken seriously.
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