In Search of a Perfect Partner

Civilized people will argue passionately that marriage is an outdated institution: it is no more than a piece of paper and it's value is even less than that. What really counts is living life to the full, having fun and, for both men and women to be successful in the workplace.

Modern people are identified by their occupation rather than by their names and families, which are now of secondary importance (after all, children are so expensive and conversation at home is not nearly as enjoyable as watching TV or exploring the Internet...). In this age where convenience, career, cash (or credit) and comfort are top priorities, commitment has become a dirty word and it seems that marriage is now for the old-fashioned heteros and the dedicated homos!

Promiscuity, STDs, sexual assault, de facto relationships and failed marriages are rampant. The mainstream press recently ran an article referring to Australia as "A Nation of Bastards". But surely this is to be expected when secular policy makers continue to lower the age of sexual consent; kafir educators of youth frequently expound the virtues of safe sex; fashion gurus convince women to wear less, since 'sexy' is a better look than 'modest'; and the judicial system offers protection for the corrupt and perverted, whilst young people are prohibited from getting married - a'oothubillah (I seek refuge with Allah). One forward-thinking church in Queensland has decided it is time to stop condemning adulterers, fornicators and homosexuals; times and values are changing, so in order to appeal to these lost sheep and in an effort to get the local sinners back into church on Sundays, they are now condoning their actions instead - how pragmatic!

Ironically, at the same time, the general public bemoans the breakdown of the family unit and the negative impact this trend has on society. In Western Australia, one politician's 'concern for loneliness in the community' has become a real vote-winning sentiment!

If that is an indication of what it means to be civilized, then alhamdulillah, most Muslims would prefer to remain in the Dark Ages. Allah (swt) in His wisdom, has placed a great importance on marriage, as revealed in the Qur'an and practised by His Prophet, Muhammad (s) and his companions (r). Excepting the eventual prohibition of the mut'a (temporary) marriage, the Islamic marriage system has not been changed since it was implemented 1400 years ago.

Alhamdullillah, Muslims have many clear guidelines to follow when seeking a spouse. We know that women can be desired for their wealth, status in society, beauty and piety but according to a sahih hadith, the successful man in the eyes of Allah (swt) is the one who chooses his wife for her piety above all else (Bukhari and Muslim).

Sadly, the liberated Western woman may endure years of humiliation and heartbreak in her desperate search for Mr Right. For them, image is everything (how else can they attract a man's attention) and then comes the waiting game 'will-he-call-me', then the dating game and then (just to test the water before marriage) the mating game. She dare not mention marriage any sooner, for fear of scaring him away!

According to Islam, when a man marries, he perfects half of his religion and he should fear Allah for the remaining half (Bukhari). Another hadith encourages young men to marry, but if they cannot support a wife, then they should fast often until they can get married, since fasting helps to suppress lust and desire (Bukhari and Muslim). However, these days, a young man has no need for religion, fasting nor marriage; there are plenty of women ready to satisfy his desires and they do not seem to mind his unwillingness to make any sort of commitment to them in return. Tragically, some young Muslim men in our community mistakenly believe they are able to fornicate with non-Muslim women as much as they like before they marry a chaste Muslim woman, so unaware are they of true Islamic practices.

In the lives of the early Muslims, examples abound of excellent marriages - men and women who united in wedlock to please Allah (swt) and to complete their din. One such instance occurred when Umm Ayman married Zayd ibn Harithah (r) later on in her life. Otherwise known as Barakah, the Abyssinian servant of 'Abdullah ibn 'Abd al Muttalib, who she took care of his son, Muhammad (s). Although we cannot trace her family origins, she had been a close companion of the Prophet (s) throughout his life. She was one of the first converts to Islam and her excellent character made her a strong and pious Muslim. She once risked her own life to deliver an urgent message to the Prophet (s) in the early days of Islam.

After that particular incident, Muhammad (s) said to some companions, "Should one of you desire to marry a woman from the people of Paradise, let him marry Umm Ayman." Barakah (r), by now at least 50 years old, was not beautiful, but despite her age and appearance, Zayd (r) told the Prophet (s) that he would like to marry her because she was "better than women with grace and charm", he chose her because she was pious.

Similarly, there is the story of Julaybib (r), one of the companions of the Prophet (s) who was very short, unattractive and who was further handicapped by the fact that his parents and tribe were unknown. It seemed unlikely that he would ever be able to marry, since he was shunned by the men of society, but because of the concern of Muhammad (s) he eventually married a very eligible woman from the Ansar. Despite the initial reluctance of her parents, whom the Prophet (s) had approached on Julaybib's behalf, this Ansari woman refused to go against something which had been requested by the Messenger of Allah (Q33:36) and she was satisfied to have Julaybib as her husband, with whom she lived until he was martyred in battle.

It is very important for Muslims to get married and we should take every precaution to select a good spouse. When choosing a husband, we should look firstly for taqwah and piety rather than a title, such as doctor or engineer. Since we are rewarded according to our intention, if we selected a spouse based on his prestigious occupation or wealth, we should not be upset if we were to discover at a later stage that he is more devoted to his career than pleasing his family and Allah (swt). Our guardian should assess the reputation of the intended husband in the community or abroad, since it is perfectly acceptable to discuss a person's attributes for the purpose of marriage, as this is not considered backbiting or slandering in such a situation. Before marriage, both parties should pray istakhara, because this is necessary if we sincerely rely on Allah (swt) for our affairs. If these brief guidelines are followed, then not only have we put our trust in Allah, but we have tethered our camels first.

References:
Companions of the Prophet - AbdulWahid Hamid
Purification of the Soul, The - Ibn Rajab al-Hanbali, Ibn al-Qayyim al-Jawziyya, Abu Hamid al-Ghazali
Treasury of Ahadith, A - Dr Mazhar U Kazi
Women's Guide to The Islamic Fiqh, The - Dr Mahmoud Ridha Murad