OBJECTIVES: Insha Allah, after reading this you should be able to:

1. Identify the causes of your stress (called stressors).

2. Change the way you think and, therefore, behave by using an affirmation or self-talk.

3. Use an effective communication technique that stops you from nagging.

4. Be able to relax.

WHAT IS STRESS?

Stress is the extreme physiological and emotional arousal a person experience when confronted with a threatening situation. What this means is that when we face a threatening situation, we feel we are losing control over it. This makes our heart beat a little faster and our temperature to rise. Our emotions take over and we are no longer the sane and thinking person we used to be.

To gain control over the situation we need to change our behaviour to that threatening situation. We do this by changing the way we used to think and learn new ways to behave.

But before we can do any of this, we need to correctly identify the stressor. This is because sometimes we may we think that something is the cause of our stress but in reality it is something else that is linked to it.

1. IDENTIFYING THE STRESSOR

Often we think that our children are the cause of our stress. We think that they set out to deliberately cause us stress. This is not true. It is not the children themselves but their actions that cause us stress. It is what they have learnt, or have not learnt, to do that is stressful. It is, therefore, our duty to teach them the correct action that is not stressful to us.

So by focusing on children’s actions we avoid criticising them personally. We do not set out to criticise him or her, instead we set out to correct a problem.

For example, a stressor could be that your child does not pack away the toys after playing with them.

2. AFFIRMATION

Before we can correct children’s actions we must correct ourselves. Instead of ‘flying off the handle’ and becoming an over-emotional being who blames and accuses non-stop, we need to think. Think about how we should act at that moment.

One way to do this is telling ourselves positively what we will do. By repeatedly telling ourselves something we will begin to believe it. As a result, we will act according to our new belief. This is called affirmation.

Below is an example of an affirmation that, when we are in a stressful situation, we must repeat over and over until we have calmed. Also affirmations must be repeated regularly during the day to keep reminding ourselves. For example, you could say, "I am patient and calm when under stressed."

3. EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATIONS

Effective communications definitely mean no nagging. Nagging is a form of criticising and as we have seen earlier, we are not trying to criticise or blame them, we are trying to correct a problem.

To effectively communicate with children we need to acknowledge their feelings. We must think why the child is doing what he is doing. For example, was he sad, hungry, tired, angry, overwhelmed or annoyed? Then we acknowledge it. When we acknowledge it we are saying, "It’s OK to feel that way, given the circumstances." Once that is done we can move onto finding a solution.

If we do not acknowledge their feelings we are denying them their emotions. But emotions are important to children. Since children are young, they have not had time to learn how to fully express their emotions into words and expressions. That is why a child who does not get what he wants will throw a tantrum. He does not know how to express what he wants into words and a tantrum is the only way he knows.

Children are, in effect, run by their emotions more than their thinking. (I would like to point out here that, in contrast, adults are run by their thinking. We have learnt to control our emotions and to express them in more effective ways, most of the time. It is only when we are under duress that we revert to blindly following our emotions). It is up to us, parents and adults, to teach children how to effectively express what they feel.

Here is an example of an effective communication (from the above example):

Format:

1. I know you feel.....(acknowledge his feeling).....

2. But when you.....(state his action - be specific, use a verb, eg. ‘messy’ is not an action).....

3. I feel.....(express your feeling).....

4. Because I.....(reason why you feel that way).....

5. Please, if you.....(the correct action).....then you.....(the result of the correct action, benefit to the child).....

When they have finished doing the correct action, do not forget to thank them and encourage that action by praising it (and remember to praise the action when it is done again later on).

Explanation:

4. RELAXATION

There are times when we need a quick, immediate, short-term stress reduction strategy. When you cannot take any more and you feel ready to explode, no matter what you do. These are the times that you need to use some relaxation techniques to immediately calm yourself.

Time-out Time

Relaxation ranges from leaving the children with a relative for a while, to telling your older children, "It’s mummy’s time-out time". This means putting on an educational video or something to keep them quiet for a while, then going into your room to do some deep breathing or just relax. In this case children need to know beforehand that ‘mummy’s time-out time’ means no disturbances, such as noises, arguments until mummy opens the door. They also need to know how long it will last, for example, 10 minutes or 20 minutes.

Time-out gives both children and mother a break from each other. If they follow the rules and respect your need for silence then they will learn how to deal with each other and play quietly. It is a good idea to write down the rules for them and stick it on your door as you close it. For example:
 

Clark, J. (1995). Advanced Professional Counselling. Australia: AIPC.

UTS. (1992). Management & Communication Skills Workbook. Sydney: UTS.