What Comes After Marriage

What Comes After Marriage?...Children

To Allah belongs the sovereignty in the heavens and the earth. He creates what He will. He gives daughters to whom He will and sons to whom He pleases. To some He gives both sons and daughters and to others He gives nothing at all. Mighty is Allah and All-Knowing. (Qur'an, surah 42:49,50)

After we marry, it is natural to procreate, insha Allah. But are we doing so with the right intentions? Let us examine the reasons why we have children or why we choose to delay having children.

Firstly, there are different answers to the question of having children. Children may be a status symbol for their parents, they may carry on the family name; are a source of family pride; are expected to carry on family traditions or businesses and in some circumstances are expected to be reliable workers on the family farm. In addition, children may be seen as a safeguard against poverty for parents in their old age. In a more modern interpretation, children complete the notion of a nuclear family, especially if we have one of each sex. Population regeneration, a means of species survival, is one term we could apply to this period of life after marriage. Are any of these, then, our primary motive for procreating or are they natural consequences of the primary intention for procreating?

None of these, however, should be the answer for us to have children. The right intention for having children is for the pleasure of Allah (swt). How life begins with an egg and sperm should make us marvel at the superiority of Allah. Women who have experienced the long months of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth and then the joy of motherhood will know the total feeling of awe when her baby is born. Subhanallah! Your baby grows before your eyes to achieve such milestones as crawling, walking and talking. The very essence of Ibadah (worship) is to know that everything including this child you call your own, is from Allah (swt) and that we must be thankful for what He has created.

Allah (swt) has created us in the best possible fashion. He has given us choices to test our iman (faith). Bringing children into this world and raising them according to their fitrah, the natural way of life, is surely a great test for us. On the Day of Judgment, Allah (swt) will question us women, firstly about our husbands and then our children. Children are entrusted to us, so that we may raise them in the best Islamic morals, manners and knowledge in order for them to worship Allah (swt).

Let us now re-evaluate and think about why we may choose not to have more children.

We may have the right intentions for having children, but many of us try to limit the number of children we have or even delay starting a family for fear of loss of material or financial security. We want to provide the children we have with all that life has to offer and this may mean not having too many children. Even if we think we can provide for a secure (material) future for our children, the fact is that rizq (provision) is from Allah alone. As Allah says,

You shall not kill your children for fear of want. We will provide for them and you. (Qur'an, surah 17:31)

Another reason for limiting children is that we fear we may not have the ability, time, knowledge or patience to teach them true Islam. This is where dua (supplication) is essential. Make dua for yourself and for your children because Divine guidance is not from parents but from Allah (swt). Nevertheless, we must strive to fulfill our duties to our children as they are entrusted upon us by Allah (swt) and we are answerable to Him in how we raise them.

Mothers (and fathers) may cite mental and physical exhaustion as a reason for limiting the number of children they have. Rather than restricting the number of children, spacing them apart may provide relief. A mother who continues to breast-feed one child for 2-years decreases her likelihood of becoming pregnant in that time. In the Qur'an, surah al-Baqarah, ayah 233:

Mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years if they wishes the sucking to be completed...But if after consultation, they choose by mutual consent to wean the child, they shall incur no guilt.

The only legitimate reason for limiting children is genuine health problems of the mother. However, frustration and fatigue from raising children (as I keep reminding myself) do not fall into this category. Remember children are a test for us all, especially for women. Children are a means for us to serve Allah (swt). The hardship endured as a result of serving Allah (swt) in this life will be richly rewarded in the Akhira (Hereafter). In addition, the duas of your offspring whilst you are in the grave will only add to your rewards as will the Islamic knowledge that you have passed onto them.

In conclusion, to have or not to have is from Allah (swt). We, as women, must persevere. We need not feel unable to cope because this is what Allah has bestowed upon us and He has not bestow a burden greater than one can bear. I encourage all sisters to procreate with the right intentions, that is, to serve your Sustainer, and to increase the Muslim Ummah so that the Prophet (s) will be proud of his ummah on the Day of Judgement.