Counselling Options for the 'Bored Housewife'

©  Jameela Ho

The Scenario:
     You are married, at home, with two children. Morning comes and your children immediately grab your attention. It gets worse at lunchtime and by the time it is afternoon, you must have dinner ready. As evening gets on, your husband expects your full attention. Where has all the time gone? You are so busy that you do not have time to be bored, and yet, you do feel bored and frustrated. Day after day, you are stuck at home without change.

     Does this situation feel familiar - give or take a few children?

The Stimulus...
     Quite often, and obviously, this frustration stems from the monotony of doing the same things every day. All human need change. Even the most devoted housewife has a varied timetable. Sometimes, spending half an hour by ourselves (that is without children) is change enough. At this point, some mothers will say "that's easy for you to say, but where can we leave the children?" There are a few options available, which will be covered shortly.

     Another factor leading to boredom and frustration is when women are at home all the time, they feel isolated. They lack physical contact with other members of the community. As humans, we need social contact. By being an active member of the community, we receive support and protection in our daily lives. Allah in His infinite Wisdom and Mercy, has given us this:

Oh mankind, verily We have created you from a male and female and made you into peoples and tribes in order that you know each other. (Quran, 49:13)

     But how can we know one another if we are isolated at home? Even in the animal kingdom, animals have their own social network:

There is not an animal that lives on the earth, nor a being that flies on its wings, but are communities like you... (Quran, 6:38)

Keeping this in mind, no creature, be it human or otherwise, can survive by itself.

    There are some women who, when they marry, give up their career and education to stay at home with the children. This is highly recommendable. However, it can create restlessness and frustration when there is nothing to replace the intellectual void resulting from this change in activities. Women who hunger for knowledge, love to use their minds on a higher level. Although they may enjoy being with their children, children just do not give stimulating conversations. Quite often it is up to the husband to provide this. Unfortunately, husbands are usually too tired to lead a heavy discussion after work. Or else they do not think that their wives are interested or capable of profound discussion. Yet, these women need something challenging to fill their minds.

     Finally, and most importantly, women who are in this situation lack spiritual growth. They become busy with being a mother and wife that there is no time for learning about Allah and Islam. Their days no longer revolve around Allah, but around their children and husband. Their spirit stagnates or, worse, regress.

...and the Response
     Subsequently, these women can take their frustration out on their husband and children. Such as becoming irritable and withdrawn. Children may receive verbal, emotional and even physical abuse. After a period of time, it can lead to a breakdown in the marriage and family.

Mediating Response:
     To remedy this, the immediate step is to find somewhere to leave the children so that mothers can have time out for themselves to socialise, to pursue knowledge and to enrich their souls. Children will also benefit from this because they do need a change of scenery and to socialise with other children and adults.

     The first place to drop the children off would be at relatives. They are usually the most willing to accept the children for a while. Next would be friends. You could do a deal where one day you take their children, then another day your friends could take your children. Another possibility is to hire a Muslim sister to baby-sit the children. Just think, the money you spend may help another sister's financial situation. As a last resort, there are always Islamic childcare centres and pre-schools. Remember, even if you could manage to leave the children for a few hours a week, it would be enough.

     Once you have somewhere to leave the children, if you need people contact then go and visit Muslim friends or join some Islamic social group. Keeping in contact with Muslim friends will provide you with support through happy and difficult times. As Allah says:

Counsel one another to do justice and be patient. (Quran 110:3)

Muslim friends (and family members) are the very people who can do this.

     If you want to socialise and improve your mind at the same time, then go to Islamic study groups. These groups also provide the opportunity to strengthen your iman as you learn more about Islam. There is always one in your area, just ask around.

     However, if you still have children with you and cannot find an Islamic Study group, form your own with other mothers who are in the same situation. Each week you can roster the venue, the person to give lesson and the person to mind the children. This way each persons share the load.

     Similarly, if you cannot find somewhere to put the children, take them to an Islamic Playgroup or form your own. The children will enjoy this immensely and so will you, insha'Allah, as it takes the children off your hands for a while and lets you socialise with other Muslim mothers.

     The last two options of setting up your own Islamic Study group and Playgroup is most suitable for women who need something challenging to do. As organising groups of people (and children) is a difficult thing to do but once accomplished the rewards are tremendous to the self-esteem.

     Finally, if you have exhausted all the above suggestions and none of them are possible, put on an Islamic or educational video tape for the children (this will be their babysitter but make sure the educational video does not contain un-Islamic values ), then open the Qur'an and start reciting. By reading or listening to the Qur'an, it calms you down and provides nourishment to the mind and soul. As Allah says:

And We reveal of the Qur'an that which is a healing and a mercy for believers... (Quran 17:82)

New Response:
     Whichever option is chosen, you will be able to bring about change to the boredom and frustration, insha'Allah. Thereby eliciting a new response of a happier and more fulfilled you, insha'Allah. Do remember that each situation that a mother and wife face is different to another mother and wife. The above is a general guideline to a general situation. For a personalised programme see a Muslim counsellor.