Learning to Care and Share

In the last issue of Hawwa, I wrote, among other things, about playgroup's educational benefits for children under five years of age. This article will draw on some experiences during playgroup and I hope it will show us how we can teach our children a sense of community by setting an example for them.

When my elder child was about one year old we started going to storytime at the local library. At first it seemed harmless as we only stayed for the story, leaving before any activities began. Eventually, we ended up staying for the whole time and this was a sad experience. Each mother was keen to be the first to attain the best resources for her child. Witnessing the indignity of some mothers pushing other children out of the way so that their own child's needs can be met above those of others is not what I wanted to participate in. Above all, I did not want my child to learn that this is acceptable behaviour. I wanted for my child, and subsequent children, to learn, by way of example, that Muslims are bound to help and look out for each others needs. For the Prophet (s) said that unless we put the needs of others before us we will not attain true faith (Bukhari).

Alhamdulillah, storytime was abandoned and As-Salam playgroup filled a chasm with a caring atmosphere befitting Muslims. Nevertheless, children are children and sharing is not part of any early childhood agenda. It is by no means an easy concept for children to learn. As Dr. Green says, "In general, young toddlers are not renowned for their Good Samaritan attitudes. They tend to be jealous, self-centred and not talented in sharing or seeing the other point of view. This of course varies from child to child and improves rapidly with age. Though there may be little thought for others at two, this is much better by three and a half."

However, it is more difficult when a protective mother constantly runs to her child's assistance everytime there is a minor dispute over toys. For example, if my child had a toy and another child wanted it, and they started to pull the toy to and fro, what would I be teaching my child if I came to his defence and said to the other child, "He had it first let him have it!" I would be teaching my child to keep it for himself until he no longer wants it and then it is alright for others to have it. Should I not teach my child that it is better to give others what is dear to me? For Allah (swt) says,

O you who believe, spend from the good things you have earned, and of what We have produced for you from the earth, and do not choose the bad part to donate when you would not take it yourselves without turning your noses up at it. (Qur'an, al-Baqarah 2:267)

Taking the toy and giving it to the other child may result in screams and tears from my child. Therefor, to compensate for it, I would reward my child for doing this Islamic act by giving him my personal attention.

Dr. Green offers some advice for when your child does not share:

1. briefly mention the expectation to share. Don't force the issue and don't make a scene,
2. compensate the empty-handed visitor with the majority share of attention, and
3. introduce another area of entertainment.

Furthermore, children can be taught by mothers or guardians to care for others by looking out for the needs of other children and their mothers. If it looks like a mother is having a hard time with her child/children then give her a hand by paying some attention to that child. If it is not welcomed by that child then no harm is done and you may have distracted the child from his original source of whinging. If a child is sitting next to you, during a meal for example, and has not been taken care of, then take care of his needs. After all, we would appreciate other mothers caring for our child if we are tied up or bogged down with another matter.

Another form of helping other mothers is to help discipline the child when he/she has done something wrong. Disciplining other people's children is a form of love for that child. Parents should not take it as an offence. For example, I see a child pushing other children around without the mother knowing , do I turn a blind eye to his/her act or do I help the child by teaching him/her that it is wrong? Hence, if someone is disciplining your child with good intention, then it is out of caring rather than annoyance. Allah (swt) says,

The believers, men and women, are 'Auliya' (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another, they enjoin (on the people) al-Ma'ruf (i.e.. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do), and forbid (people) from al-Munkar (i.e.. polytheism and disbelief of all kinds, and all that Islam has forbidden); they offer their prayers perfectly and give zakat and obey Allah and His Messenger. Allah will have mercy on them. Surely, Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise. (Qur'an, at-Tauba 9:71)

And remember, children learn by example - they are excellent imitators. If we were to act in a caring way towards our sisters-in-Islam, helping whenever we can, children will henceforth act similarly with their peers.