Good Treatment of Children

Children have a great responsibility and duty towards their parents, according to Islam. However, the duties and responsibilities of parents towards their children are greater, more significant and more important. Allah (swt) says in the Qur'an:

"O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a fire (hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not (from executing) the commandments they receive from Allah but do that which they are commanded."

(Qur'an, at-Tahrim 66:7)

In this verse Allah (swt) calls the believers to protect themselves, their wives and children from the punishment of Allah (swt) by guiding them to the straight path of Islam.

Many parents know very little about raising children. All they know is that they must provide them with food, drink, clothing, etc. Moreover, some parents buy lots of toys and expensive accessories believing that this is equally as important for their development. When the child develops bad and stubborn behaviour, parents feel confused and upset. Perhaps the mother will then resort to shouting or hitting her child, forgetting that she has brought him up in such a way that has caused this behaviour. In many cases, parents often over-account for the material needs of their children, but forget to nurture their souls, which is so important for building good character. Similarly, they do not show children correct manners by setting a good example, nor do they monitor the development of their children's character. Yet they somehow expect them to grow up to be polite and dutiful children.

Muslim parents must be aware that looking after their children is a serious responsibility, about which they will be questioned on Yawmul-Qiyaamah (Judgement Day). Their children are an amaanah (trust) in their hands; they must fear Allah (swt) and not take their role as parents lightly.

In a hadeeth, narrated by Imaam Ahmad, the Prophet (s) said, "A father could not give his son a better gift than good manners." How often do parents say to their children, "Don't do that because so-and-so might see you!" or "Make sure you behave yourself in front of such-and-such!" This gives the child the impression that it is important to be well-behaved in front of certain people or on certain occasions, so that people will be pleased with them. However, as Muslims, we should fear Allah at all times and act accordingly. Parents need to teach children that their intentions should be sincerely for Allah, seeking only His pleasure. Unless children have been guided from an early age, it will be difficult for them in the future to make their intentions for Allah (swt). It will be very hard for them to concentrate on being a responsible Muslim in their adult life, since they did not have the correct example as a child. A person who seeks the pleasure of Allah (swt) will give everybody their rights, especially his parents.

Parents tend to place considerable pressure on children to succeed at school, in their careers and to obtain a high position in the community. It is important for the parents to remind their children if they hold a position of responsibility to fear Allah (swt) always, not to become arrogant but to remain humble and help people. Regardless of occupation or status, they must know that they differ from their fellow Muslims only in terms of piety. Allah (swt) says in the Qur'an:

"Verily the most honourable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has at-taqwa."

(Qur'an, al-Hujurat 49:13)

A person with taqwa (fear, love, hope in Allah) is one who fears Allah (swt) and abstains from all kinds of sins and evil deeds that He has forbidden; in addition, he loves Allah (swt) and performs all kinds of good deeds. The person who has grown up to be humble and have good manners will be humble with his parents first, and the one who has taqwa in his heart and fears Allah (swt) will look after his parents without being reminded all the time.

Many parents complain about not being close to their children. They worry that their children neither trust them nor confide in them, but rather turn to friends or relatives. They feel upset when this happens, yet they were the ones who caused this gap to appear in the relationship. The reason for this is that so often, when they promised to do or give something to their child, they failed to deliver. Perhaps the parent forgets, but the child never forgets. The child keeps waiting and waiting for the promise to be fulfilled. For example, "If you clean your room, I will give you something nice." The child is convinced to clean his room, all the while thinking about that nice surprise and wondering what it will be. So when he has finished, he goes to his mother, giving her the good news of the tidy room and asking for the nice thing that she promised. But without realising what she has done, the mother says, "Look, I haven't got time for that now, I'm busy...later..." The child is left waiting for his mother to fulfil her promise until he eventually loses hope. In the future, the child can hardly be blamed for losing respect for his parents and doubting the sincerity of their words, because of past promises that were broken.

Another example is when a parent threatens to punish their child for doing or not doing something. For the first few times, the child might be afraid of the punishment even though it never eventuates. Eventually, however, the child realises that the threats are empty and then the fear and respect that the parents expect from their child has disappeared. Under such conditions, children can grow up to be disobedient and very stubborn, always challenging their parents because they know in reality they are weak and they do not follow their words with actions.

Frequently hitting children is one disciplinary method that many parents believe to be beneficial. But so often, those who use this as a first resort, without trying other ways of disciplining their children, lose the control that they were trying to maintain. Parents can try other forms of discipline in first, such as talking and advising followed by a stern look to let the child know that they have done something wrong and then if the child does not respond, threaten with punishment rather than go straight to this step. It is important to note that punishment does not always mean hitting. It could be taking away something that the child loves, or stopping the child from going somewhere, etc. The results of constant hitting will be clear in the character of that child throughout their life. Punishing the child too much can have a negative effect, such as the loss of self-confidence in doing tasks, especially if the punishment was in front of people. This can make the child feel embarrassed and humliated.

Parents should always find out why the child did what they did. Maybe the child had tried to do something good and failed. By yelling at them, it might prevent them from trying to do good things in future. For example, if a mother heard the sound of breaking glass in the kitchen, she should not lose control immediately. Instead, it would be better if she was to go and ask the child quietly what had happened. If there was a good reason, like trying to wash the glass, she should then show her the correct way to do it, thus giving her self-confidence.

Lastly, parents should be aware of the way they treat their children. This relationship should be built on respect, trust and good manners. The parents should be a good example for their children, both inside and outside the house. If all these guidelines are heeded, we will have dutiful children who know the best way to treat their parents, something which Islam emphasises in so many ayaat (verses) and ahadeeth.

Allah (swt) says in the Qur'an:

"And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him; and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one or both of them attain old age in your life, do not say to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them, but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say, 'My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.'"

(Qur'an, al-Isra 17: 23-24)

Abu Bakr narrated that the Prophet (s) said, "Would you like me to tell you the greatest three major sins?' We said, 'Yes.' He said, 'Associating partners with Allah (swt), being undutiful towards parents and giving false witness.' And he repeated this until we wished he would stop."

For the child who has grown up respecting his parents, it will be very easy for him to treat everybody else with good manners and give people their rights, according to Islam. Children need to know their limits Islamically when dealing with adults. Parents should help their children to be dutiful towards them. For example, the mother should always encourage her child to show respect to his father and tell them if they misbehave with him. The same rule applies to the father, who should do likewise.

These are some examples of how the sahabah behaved with their parents and we should teach our children the same way.

1) To obey parents in whatever they ask - except if it is something haram (prohibited) - and to do so without argument or resentment of being asked.

2) To talk to parents politely, without raising the voice in front of them.

3) To make du'ah for them to ask Allah to guide them and forgive them.

4) To protect the reputation and money of parents.

5) To keep their secrets.

6) To forgive parents if they do something wrong; not to blame them rudely but to advise them politely; remember that they are humans and they also make mistakes.

7) Not to talk about them except in a good manner.

8) To ask parents for advice, e.g. if the son wants to get married, he should seek their advice and guidance.

9) If the parents entered the room and they were sitting in a lazy manner, to sit in a way which shows more respect.

10) To occasionally kiss the hand of the parent.

11) If they have a guest, to respect the guest and try not to sit between them but to the side.

12) To be aware that their parents might ask something of them.

Good Treatment of Children

13) To know what they like and not to wait for them to ask.

14) Not to interrupt parents when they are talking.

15) Not to leave the house without their permission.

16) Not to disturb them while they are sleeping.

17) If the son is married, he should not obey his wife before his mother and father, but to treat his wife and mother equally well and not oppress either.

18) Not to laugh loudly for no reason in front of them.

19) When eating, wait for parents to start first and not reach across for food in front of them.

20) To ask permission to lie down in the presence of the parents.

21) Not to walk in front of them in the house and also outside, unless it is to protect them.

22) To respect their friends even after the death of the parents and relatives.

23) To continue making du'ah for them if they die.