Dealing with Marital Conflicts

The harmonious relationship between husband and wife forms the basis of a successful marriage institution. It is an institution that cannot be replaced by anything else and the only way for it to be productive is through a loving and harmonious relationship between husband and wife. Arguments and conflicts are a normal part of this relationship. There are no two people on earth that can agree on everything. There is a need for adjustments to be made when two people decide to share
their lives. Things should never be allowed to become out of hand for a relationship to continue. Personal interests should never be a priority if a couple want to lead a life that is rewarding and pleases Allah (swt).
         My personal opinion is that the woman plays the biggest role in maintaining and nurturing this relationship. Conflicts can arise constantly. The pressures of modern life are huge. The things that remind us of Allah, our rights and responsibilities, especially in Australia, are few. So how can we overcome our differences? How can we conquer the evil in ourselves? Shaytan is continually out to destroy every good in our lives. How can we conquer him?
“Certainly the ultimate good of every Muslim is Paradise. As with all aspects of the Unseen, it can only be imagined through analogy, yet its realities are far beyond description in any human language” (Al-Shimenri). However, we should keep in mind that the reward of Paradise is too great not to have a price and the price cannot be simple.
         Ibn Hibban reported from Abu Huraira (r) who related that Allah’s Apostle (s) said, “If a woman offered her five daily prayers on a regular basis, observed fasting during the month of Ramadan, chastened herself against unlawful or illegal sexual acts and obeys her husband (in matters that agree with the commands of Allah and the teachings of the Prophet) she will be told: Enter Jannah from any gate you choose.” (Tirmidhi, #660)
         A statement by Umm Salamah (r) goes: The Prophet (s) said, “Any woman who dies and her husband is pleased with her will enter Jannah.” Al-Hishami (p.163) mentions the incident of a woman who came to ask the Prophet (s) about some matter and when he had delt with it he asked her, “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He asked her, “How are you with him?” She said, “I never fall short in my duties except for that which is beyond me.” He said, “Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your paradise and your hell.”
         After reading these ahadeeth, we should realise that keeping our husbands happy is our way to Jannah. Obedience, respect and tolerance are what is expected from us. However, let us be realistic!!! How much of this can we do and how can we achieve this aim? How can I say “I love you” to someone I have had an argument with? How can I go to bed with someone I believed has wounded my pride? In the back of my mind I think of the hadeeth Bukhari and Muslim reported from Abu Huraira (r) that the Prophet (s) said, “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she does not come and he goes to sleep angry with her, then the angels will curse her until the morning.” In other words, she will go to hell if she dies that night.
         At this stage many women might feel resentful, upset, helpless, unfairly treated, sorry for themselves for being a woman, and many other destructive feelings that can incite them to commit sins. Be careful dear sisters as this is shaytan working furiously to drag you into wrong-doings. Why be resentful or upset? Allah (swt) is Fair. If you have to please your husband to enter Jannah then he has many more duties before he can enter it himself. Allah (swt) has divided the rights and responsibilities into equal shares between men and women according to the way He created them. Why allow conflicts to reach a state where
they are unresolvable?
         Women by nature are calmer than men. We are instinctively tactful (insha Allah) and with Allah’s help nothing should get out of hand. If you always keep in mind that pleasing the Lord is your priority then every sensitive issue becomes trivial. If you have a problem with your husband then you should not ignore it in the hope that the matter will right itself. It will not. Shaytan is always there tickling your pride and he will attack when he knows that problems have accumulated to an extent that you cannot bear any more.
         Once you have identified your problem, find out who is involved. Is it just the two of you? Is it an outsider? Or is it the children? Could the situation be changed? What are the causes of the problem? Are there any factors that are against the rules of Islam? Most importantly, who is wrong? Does your husband know that this problem exists? Is he aware of what you are experiencing?
         Your next step to resolve your conflict is communication. Tell him what you think and try to ask him what he thinks. Most of the time misunderstanding is the start of arguments. If something means a lot to you, you need to let your husband know. It may be meaningless to him, but remember: always pick the right moment!
         If your husband is tired he might not hear what you say; it will frustrate you further. If he was angry about something and you complain about what he said that hurt you, he might feel guilty or inadequate but it will frustrate him further. So instead of apologising he might respond in ways that make matters worst.
         Every woman should try to understand the nature and psychological make-up of her husband. We have the innate equipment to tell us what would please him and what would make him angry. This is how we can win his heart and earn his admiration and respect. This is how we can close the door to every possible source of conflict.
         “The Prophet (s) drew a clear and delightful picture of the well-behaved, easy-going, loving, righteous Muslim wife, one who will be happy in this world and the next: He said, “Shall I not tell you about your wives in Paradise?” We said, “Of course.” He said, “They are fertile and loving. If she becomes angry or is mistreated or her husband becomes angry, she says, ‘My hand is in your hand, I shall never sleep until you are pleased with me.’” Dear sisters, with such an attitude I doubt very much that any man would not go back on his wrong and do anything his wife wants.
         However, if things cannot be fixed with your efforts only then maybe a third party should mediate. Some matters will need a neutral person to help clarify difficult points. Sometimes through ignorance and shortcomings the woman may provoke her husband to lose his temper and act in a way that hurts her despite her being the direct cause of the problem. It is much easier to hear this from the third party than from your husband. Again, try to select the right third party, not your mother or his but somebody you both agree on.
         In the end, it is essential to know that matters should not be allowed to reach a desperate state. The tactful woman helps her husband to be of good character. She can teach him whatever she wants by displaying intelligence and alertness. By being a “servant” to him you open his heart to you and make him fond of you and he becomes a “servant” to you. By respecting his wishes he will respect yours. By ignoring and forgiving his mistakes he will treat you in kind. Always remember that you are not a perfect person and allow him not to be one himself.