The Importance of Marrying a Muslim Man

©  Aminah Mah

   "...and they smiled into each other's eyes and lived happily ever after...THE END."

     Children since toddler age from all over the world, are led to believe and yearn for this dream of baseless, sugar-coated falsehood to come true. They grow up to believe that 'love conquers all'. When young girls and boys begin to notice the differences between the two genders, they also begin to look for qualities of their 'dream partner' with reference to what they have read in fairy tales and love stories in their most impressive years of life. The most common qualities, just to name a couple, are the person's physical characteristics and romance. A person in 'love' is so overwhelmed that he/she turns a blind eye and a deaf ear to all, and falls head over heels into this dream world. Life is real and hard. It requires concrete elements to form into anything that lasts. When reality proves to be anything but the fairy tale ideal, this is when 'lovers' are put to the real test. Some may barely survive, with much hardship, while most do not.

     The strongest binding force, does not come from 'love' alone, rather, something that both partners must be committed to, and both are willing to uphold. This binding force in Islam, is the love for Allah (swt). This love is expressed through one's obedience to Allah's commands and laws and willingness to submit to His Wisdom and Decree, which one believes with certainty. In this law lies principles and morals for the maximum benefit of human beings. Even as minute as relieving oneself to the call of nature, has a prescribed way which we know, is ultimately good for us. Marriage, as the Prophet Muhammad (s) says, completes half of a person's Iman. It is strongly encouraged for all Muslims to get married, to have a life partner to fulfill their duty to procreate, to assist one another to fear Allah, and seek comfort in one another.

     Specific rules regarding marriage, qualities to look for in choosing a partner and so on, are all complete in Islam. For Muslim women in particular, there are verses in the Holy Quran which clearly instruct them to marry believing men.

     Allah (swt) forbids believing men from marrying Mushrikah and forbids believing women from marrying Mushrik in this verse. According to the interpretation of the meaning of the Noble Quran summarised by Dr. Al-Hilali and Dr. Muhsin Khan, Al-Mushrikun means polytheists, pagans, idolaters, and disbelievers in the Oneness of Allah and in His Messenger Muhammad (s).

     In another verse, instead of Al-Mushrikun, Allah (swt) used the word Al-Kuffar, which means disbelievers in general, as evidenced in the following quotation from surah Al-Mumtahinah, verse 10,

     Let us look at an example collected by Imam Malik in his Muwatta: Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab that Umm Hakim bint al-Harith ibn Hisham who was the wife of Ikrima ibn Abi Jahl became Muslim on the day of the conquest of Makka, and her husband Ikrima fled from Islam as far as the Yemen. Umm Hakim set out after him until she came to him in the Yemen and she called him to Islam, and he became Muslim. He went to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, in the year of the conquest. When the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, saw him, he rushed to him in joy and did not bother to put on his cloak until he had made the pledge with him. They were confirmed in their marriage. [Hadith 28.46 Al-Muwatta]

     If we refer the matter further into the biographies of the companions of the Prophet (s), we can find a number of examples on how the believing women were instructed to deal with their disbelieving husbands and how they responded to proposals from disbelieving men.

     Among the prominent figures of Muslimah during the time of the Prophet (s), Rumaysa bint Milhan (r)'s story remains an inspiration for women of all times. Rumaysa was more widely known as Umm Sulaym, who was the mother of the great companion Anas ibn Malik (r). Umm Sulaym converted to Islam before the law forbidding women from marrying unbelievers was revealed. Malik opposed to his wife's conversion and made things difficult for her and her duty as a Muslim mother. After Malik died, a man named Abu Talhah proposed to marry Umm Sulaym. He was a man of great wealth and status among his tribe and was confident that Umm Sulaym would accept his proposal readily. To his surprise, Umm Sulaym turned him down because he was not a believer. Part of the story is quoted below.

"A man like you, Abu Talhah ," she said, "is not (easily) turned away. But I shall never marry you while you are a kafir, an unbeliever."

Abu Talhah thought she was trying to put him off and that perhaps she had already preferred someone wealthier and more influential. He said to her: "What is it that really prevents you from accepting me, Umm Sulaym? Is it the yellow and the white metals (gold and silver)?"

"Gold and silver?" she asked somewhat taken aback and in a slightly censuring tone.

"Yes," he said.

"I swear to you, Abu Talhah, and I swear to God and His Messenger that if you accept Islam, I shall be pleased to accept you as a husband, without any gold or silver. I shall consider your acceptance of Islam as my mahr (bride money, dowry, etc)."

Abu Talhah understood well the implications of her words. His mind turned to the idol he had made from wood and on which he lavished great attention in the same way that important men of his tribe venerated and cared for their personal idols.

The opportunity was right for Umm Sulaym to stress the futility of such idol worship and she went on: "Don't you know Abu Talhah, that the god you worship besides Allah grew from the earth?"

"That's true," he said.

"Don't you feel stupid worshipping part of a tree while you use the rest of it for fuel to bake bread or warm yourself? (If you should give up these foolish beliefs and practices) and become a Muslim, Abu Talhah, I shall be pleased to accept you as a husband and I would not want from you any sadaqah apart from your acceptance of Islam."

"Who shall instruct me in Islam?" asked Abu Talhah.

"I shall," Umm Sulaym replied.

"How?"

"Utter the declaration of truth and testify that there is no god but Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah. Then go to your house, destroy your idol and throw it away."

Abu Talhah left and reflected deeply on what Umm Sulaym had said. He came back to her beaming with happiness. "I have taken your advice to heart. I declare that there is no god but Allah and I declare that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah."

Umm Sulaym and Abu Talhah were married. Anas, her son, was pleased and the Muslims would say: "We have never yet heard of a mahr that was more valuable and precious than that of Umm Sulaym for she made Islam her mahr." [Rumaysah bint Milhan - Hamid, A., Companions of the prophet]

     Such was the firmness and unflinching faith in the hearts of the Muslims, that their love for Allah prevailed over all else. Abu Huraira (r) reported that the Prophet (s) said, "Allah will say on the Day of Resurrection, 'Where are those who love each other only for my sake? Today they will take shelter in My shadow and there is no other shadow today but Mine.'" (Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Burj, 4:9988).

     Even with marriage, the believing women were not prepared to compromise their faith for a life partner who might have possessed all the worldly qualities one could ask for. Their examples of placing the quality of Iman (faith) over and above everything else bring true meanings to the verse "verily, a believing slave is better than a free Mushrik, even though he pleases you." We can also appreciate the Wisdom behind forbidding Muslim women from marrying unbelieving men as witnessed in Umm Sulaym's first marriage. In Islam, a man is in charge of his family, and it is the wife's duty to obey her husband. In surah An-Nisa', verse 34, Allah (swt) says :

     We should reflect further upon the events that took place during the time of Prophet(s) and his companions because they did not happen without reasons. Out of Allah (swt)'s infinite wisdom, the events were placed as examples of practice for Muslims of all ages. The story of Zainab (r), one of the daughters of Prophet Muhammad (s), is an example where a married woman became a believer while the husband remained an unbeliever for many years.

     Abu-l Aas married Zainab before the Prophet's mission began. Among the first to become Muslims were Khadijah (r) the Prophet's wife and their daughters. Zainab stayed married to Abu-l Aas before the prohibition on Muslim women marrying unbelieving men came down. It was after the Battle of Badr, that Zainab left Abu-l Aas to live with her father, Prophet Muhammad (s). Several years later, just before the Conquest of Makkah, Abu-l Aas went with a trading caravan to Syria and on the way back to Makkah, the caravan was captured by a detachment of Muslims in Madinah. They captured the men and turned them in to the Prophet (s). Abu-l Aas managed to escape. He went to Zainab for protection where upon she announced to the Muslims at the Dawn Prayer and requested that they give refuge to Abu-l Aas.

     After the prayer, the Prophet (s) said to his daughter, "Prepare a place of rest for Abu-l Aas and let him know that you are not lawful for him." It was decided that the possession be returned to Abu-l Aas. Being known for his trustworthiness, Abul-Aas returned to Makkah with the caravan and handed over all the wealth and goods to their rightful owners.

     Then Abu-I Aas announced, "Since I have now handed over to you what is rightfully yours, I now declare that there is no god but Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah. By God, the only thing that prevented me from declaring my acceptance of Islam while I was with Muhammad in Madinah was my fear that you would think that I did so only to appropriate your wealth. Now that I have discharged my trust in this matter, I now declare that I am a Muslim..."

     Abu-l Aas then left for Madinah where the Prophet (s) received him hospitably and returned his wife to him. The Prophet (s) used to say about him: "He spoke to me and was truthful to me. He made promises to me and remained faithful to his word." [Abu-l Aas bin al-Rabiah - Companions of the Prophet]

     Another happy ending resulting from a firm believing woman. These are the women who loved Allah and His Prophet more than themselves, who were rewarded with happiness both in this life, and Insha Allah will live a honoured life in the hereafter.

     To conclude, let us remind one another with the verse: