What is Your Parenting Style?

©  Jameela Ho

1 You’ve told your child to tidy his room.  Ten minutes later he is still playing.  You tell him again to go
and tidy it but he says that he will in a couple of minutes time when he’s finished playing.  What do you
do?
a Take him to his room and stand there to make sure that he does it.
b You shrug your shoulders and say, “Why do I bother?”
c You tell him, “Alright then, as long as you remember to do it soon.”
d You let him play.

2 Ten minutes passed and your child still hasn’t finished tidying his room.  What do you do?
a You do nothing because you have passed caring whether he tidies it or not.
b You let him play longer.
c You get impatient.  You tell him, “Hurry up and do it now or I will pull your ear!”
d You ask him, “Didn’t you say you’d tidy up in a couple of minutes time?  Well a couple of minutes
is up so could you please do it now?”

3 Your child pouts and says he doesn’t want to tidy his room anymore.  What do you do?
a You tidy his room up yourself.
b You say, “You know I want you to tidy your room.  I will count to ten and if you haven’t finished
then I will take away your toys and you will not see it again for a long time.”  You start to count.
c You ignore him.
d You go up to him and you pull his ear.  You tell him that if he doesn’t finish it, you’ll pull his other
one.

4 Your child did a good job in tidying his room.  Do you:
a say, “What a good job!  You’ve put everything away and there’s no more mess!”
b say, “About time too!”
c say, “Good boy!”
d not say anything.

5 You have told your child that it is not nice to snatch things from others and that you don’t like it when
she does it.  You see your child snatching a toy from another child, you:
a Ignore it and pretend that it didn’t happen.
b Take the toy and give it back to the other child and to your child say, “Do that again and you’ll get
a smack!”
c Say, “How do you think she feels when you snatch the toy from her?  Will you give it back or will
I?”
d Do nothing.

6 Your child comes home from school and shows you a picture that he has done.  You can’t make out what
it is.  Do you:
a Not acknowledge it.
b Gush over it.
c Say, “That’s an interesting picture!  Come and tell me about it.”
d Exclaim, “What on earth is that?”

7 You’ve told your child to wash her hands but instead of using the liquid soap she accidentally uses your
best shampoo.  Do you:
a Give her a smack and say, “Why did you do that for, you silly girl!”
b Give a grunt.
c Give her a squeeze on the shoulders to comfort her and say, “Never mind, just remember to use the
soap next time.”
d Give a shriek and exclaim, “Oh no!  Not my best shampoo!”

8 Your child is pushed over in the course of playing with the other children.  Do you:
a See if he can get up by himself and let him continue playing but if he can’t then you go to help him.
b Rush over to console him.
c Let him get up himself, he’s got to learn to be tough.
d Continue with what you’re doing.

9 Your child comes to you crying and says that another child has hit her.  What do you do?
a Let her fend for herself.
a Give her a cuddle and tell her, “I know it hurts but the better person is the one who can control
herself when angry.”
b You cuddle her and kiss the spot until the hurt goes away.
c Tell her not to be a wimp and ask her why she didn’t hit back.

10 Your child did something he shouldn’t have so you tell him to go to his room for 10 minutes as
punishment.  Ten minutes later, you:
a Tell him to come out.
b Forgot all about him.
c Have been cuddling him for the last 5 minutes.
d Ask him if he knows why he was sent to his room.
 

Now score yourself but do not add up the scores:
1 a=3, b=1, c=4, d=2
2 a=1, b=2, c=3, d=4
3 a=2, b=4, c=1, d=3
4 a=4, b=3, c=2, d=1
5 a=2, b=3, c=4, d=1
6 a=1, b=2, c=4, d=3
7 a=3, b=1, c=4, d=2
8 a=4, b=2, c=3, d=1
9 a=1, b=4, c=2, d=3
10 a=3, b=1, c=2, d=4
If you scored mostly
4: You are an authoritative parent.
3: You are an authoritarian parent.
2: You are a permissive parent.
1: You are a rejecting-neglecting parent.

The Authoritative Parent
     Authoritative parents are firm and consistent in their enforcement of rules but they also encourage their child to act independently and maturely.  They are highly warm and responsive to their child’s needs.
     Authoritative parents are more likely to use reasoning with their child.  When a rule is given, the reason is also given as to why they have that rule.  Or when a punishment is meted out, the reason behind that punishment is also known to the child.  In this way, the child understands what the rule is for or why he is being punished.  This is important in guiding the child’s future actions as he will know and understand what is acceptable and what is not.
     In addition to reasoning, the authoritative parent will allow and encourage a discussion of these rules and punishments.  This is to further increase the child’s understanding and also to allow the child the responsibility of guiding his own behaviour.  When a child knows and understands what is right or wrong and what is permissible or not, he is more likely to act on principle rather than on the fear of being punished or rewarded.
     The authoritative parent is not one who punishes all the time, she will also praise the child warmly and sincerely.  She does not miss any opportunity to praise because praising will not only encourage that behaviour in the future but will also increase the child’s self-esteem.  Therefore, children of authoritative parents are often confident, mature and principled.

The Authoritarian Parent
     Authoritarian parents expect their child to be obedient to them at all times.  They exert a high level of control over their child yet they are low in warmth and responsiveness.
     Due to the high exertion of control, the child of authoritarian parents is not self-disciplined; he does not have self-control.  He is only under control when his parents are present and will often grow to act on the fear of being punished when he thinks he will be caught.  And because authoritarian parents use punishement as a control rather than the use of praise and warmth, their child will more likely learn this aggressive behaviour and be aggressive himself.
    What to do if you think you’re an authoritarian parent?
1 Let your child assume responsibility for his actions.  This means allowing your child the chance to follow your rules by himself, without you having to ‘stand behind him with the big stick’.  (Don’t get me wrong, some situations may call for the ‘big stick’ but not all situations and over every little thing.)
2 Be open to discussions.  When your child is being punished make sure that he understands why he is being punished.  Also make sure that he understands the reasons behind the rules that you have enforced.
Remember that rules are for guiding his behaviour and not for you to gain power and control over your child.
3 Learn to praise your child.  Even when he has done something good that may seem misplaced, praise him for it instead of criticising.  Focus on the good points.
4 Be warm and sensitive to your child.  Sometimes when he does something that may seem wicked to you, it may just be a simple mistake or accident on his part.  All children need their parents’ love and understanding.  You cannot build a good relationship with your child if you withold the warmth and responsiveness.
5 Read ‘The Authoritative Parent’.

The Permissive Parent
     Permissive parents set few rules for how their child should behave and they do not enforce any rules that they do have.  However, they are high in warmth and responsiveness to their child’s needs.
     Children of permissive parents tend to be out of control.  They have to get their own way in everything because for a long time their parents have pampered and catered to them without restrictions.
    These children grow to be selfish with a disregard for other people’s needs.  They, therefore, will walk over everyone including their parents.  They also learn that rules are for breaking because their parent rarely enforce them.
    What to do if you think you’re a permissive parent?
1 Lay down a set of rules and be firm in enforcing them.  If your child starts to pout and cry then stop the urge to cuddle him.  Do not buckle over a set of crocodile tears.  He will get over it and he won’t love you any less.  In fact, when he is older, he will be more likely to respect you for being strong and not weak.
2 Stop coddling him.  Your child can only learn to be independent when he can do things for himself.  If you do everything for him, like cleaning after him, then he won’t learn to do it for himself.  He will come to expect others to do it for him.  If he falls then he will get up again.  Children are resilient.  There is a difference between overprotecting or pampering and loving.  You are his parent not his slave!
3 Read ‘The Authoritative Parent’.

The Rejecting-Neglecting Parent
     Rejecting-Neglecting parents (R-N) have no warmth and involvement in their child’s life.  They, therefore, exert no control over their child. Children of R-N parents are deprived of their basic right to love and care.  As a result, they are insecure human beings.
    If you think that you are an R-N parent, then:
1 Be involved with your child’s life.  Having a child means that you have been given a responsibility from Allah.  You must not neglect his duty.  Therefore, get to know your child; play with him and talk to him.  Raise him to be a good practising Muslim and you will also benefit: Abu Huraira (r) related that the Prophet (s) said, “When a human dies, his work ceases except for three: a current charity; a contribution to useful knowledge; or a righteous child who will pray for him.” (Muslim)
2 Give your child love and warmth.  Everyone needs to be loved.  If you need love then your child needs it more.  Children who are neglected and abandoned often have no will to live.  Learn to kiss your child because if you do not then you will become a cold and indifferent person: Aishah (r) related that one day a wandering Arab came to the Prophet (S) saying, “You kiss your children?  We would not!”  Then the Prophet (s) said to the man, “Can I help it if Allah has removed mercy from your heart?” (Bukhari)
3 Read ‘The Authoritative Parent’.
 
     It is important to note that some parents use different parenting styles on different children.  For example, she may be authoritarian with the first child, be authoritative with the second favoured child, be R-N of the third unfavoured child and be permissive with the last spoilt child.  This is a whole separate topic on favouritism but children will see it as such and the result is sibling rivalry.  The best option is to be authoritative with all your children all the time.
Reference:
Adapted from Baurind’s Patterns of Parental Authority see Berndt, T.J. (1997)  Child Development (2nd ed.).  Brown & Benchmark: Sydney.