Sibling Jealousy

©  Umm Abdullah

    Does this story sound familiar?  It is not a fairy tale but the true story of Prophet Yaqub (the father)
and Prophet Yusuf (the favoured son).  As most would know, the story does not end with the abandonment
of young Yusuf (a) by his brothers since there are many lessons to be learnt from this story.  The one lesson,
however, that will be of concern for this article is on sibling jealousy.

    In sibling jealousy the main cause is usually a parent’s love, as with the ten brothers who felt that
their father loved the two younger ones more.  This distorted their perception of their father who was a
Prophet of Allah, a pious man:

This self destructive emotion lead them to a drastic plot:

    Most children who are jealous of siblings are not naturally malicious little terrors intending evil and
destruction for everyone.  They are loving individuals wanting to be loved.  This is true of the ten brothers,
they were basically good but the jealousy made them listen to shaytan and do wrong.  They knew that it was
wrong to kill Yusuf but they were willing to err once and thereafter be righteous again.  In fact, even the
killing of Yusuf was too much for them so they decided on another plan (which was part of Allah’s Plan for
Yusuf):

    Jealousy is wrong.  Everyone knows this, but what can parents do so that children would less likely
be jealous?  The lesson learnt from Prophet Yusuf’s story is that under no circumstances should we prefer
one child over another.  Preference could be in terms of giving love and gifts or it could be in favouring one
child over another and making comparisons.  Justice dictates that whatever we give to one child we must
give to all - be it love, attention, gifts, clothing, toys, money and so on.  Prophet Yusuf’s story demonstrated
the importance of distributing love equitable.  On the material side, Prophet Muhammad (s) objected to a
sahaba giving a gift to one of his sons: Narrated ‘Amr: ‘I heard An-Nu’man bin Bashir on the pulpit saying,
“My father gave me a gift but ‘Amra bint Rawaha (my mother) said that she would not agree to it unless he
made Allah’s Messenger as a witness to it.  So my father went to Allah’s Messenger and said, ‘I have given
a gift to my son from ‘Amra bint Rawaha, but she ordered me to make you as a witness to it.’  Allah’s
Messenger said, ‘Have you given (the like of it) to everyone of your son?’  He replied in the negative.
Allah’s Messenger said, ‘Be afraid of Allah, and be just to your children.’  My father then returned and took
back his gift.” (Al-Bukhari, 3/760)

The Giving of Love and Material Items

    A distinction between the equity and equality of giving intangibles (love, attention, etc) and the tangibles
(gifts, clothing, toys, money, etc) is necessary at this point.  Equity concerns quality - how you give, whereas
equality concerns quantity - how much you give, does everyone receive the same?

    In distributing intangibles it is better to be equitable.  As each child is different in temperament,
each will express love and want love to be expressed to him/her in different ways.  For example, some
children are more reserved about physically or verbally expressing their love than others.  For these children
it is better to show them love through other means.  Take my children, for example, when they were babies
they loved to be kissed and hugged for hours.  But as soon as they could walk, those who had less affinity
with physical and verbal love ran away as soon as they could, while the others would sit on my lap for hours
until I told them to go and play.  Specifically, one child is reserved about showing love but he does not mind
receiving a kiss and a hug as long as it is not ceremoniously done.  A quick peck and a touch is enough.  The
second one is completely opposite to this, he will sit next to me and let me hug him while we talked for a
while.  Then comes the third one who would have none of the kisses and hugs.  To be able to do so, one
would have to catch him and hold him down while he struggles to get free.  The only way to kiss or hug him
is to catch him unawares while he is playing.

    For the first child, love means supporting and acknowledging him in what he does.  As for the
second child, kissing and telling him over and over in different ways how much he is loved is his idea of
love.  While for the last child, he would be content with my being there for him and responding to him when
he needs me.

    What this demonstrates is that each child, being an individual, will respond and expect love in
different ways.  This is the point of equity - it is how you give love.  One of my lecturer in sociology (and I
do not subscribe to all of their views for Islam is the only way of life that gives social equity to all) described
equity and equality in terms of outcomes and inputs.  He defined equity as having the same outcomes for
everyone no matter how different the inputs are.  This means that as long as everyone ends up with the same
thing, it does not matter how they received the thing at the beginning.  Equality, on the other hand, is about
having the same inputs at the beginning no matter what the outcomes will be.  This means that everyone
receives the same thing.  It does not matter what they do with it; they might end up better off than before or
they might be worse off.

    Equity in love is that you love your children in the different ways that is suitable to their needs and
temperament so that they end up as being loved.  If I loved my children in the same ways that is best suited
to one child, then the other children may perceive that I do not love them as they are not responding to the
type of love that I am giving.  For example, if I spend an equal ten minutes on each child kissing, hugging
and telling them how much I love him, the second child might revel in it but the others almost certainly
would not.  In loving our children, therefore, it is not how much of it we give to each child but it is how we
give it.  It is the quality of that love.  Five minutes of quality time spent on loving the child the way he or she
needs to be loved is much better than 30 minutes of incompatible love.

    I would like to stress an important point here.  Although different children respond differently to
expressions of love, we would still need to kiss them and tell them that we love them.  This is to ensure that
they overtly know and understand our love for them.  Besides, if we kiss children it shows that we have
mercy for them.  Aishah (r) related that one day a wandering Arab came to the Prophet (s) saying, “You kiss
your children?  We would not!”  Then the Prophet (s) said to the man, “Can I help it if Allah has removed
mercy from your heart?”  (Al-Bukhari)   Also, Abu Huraira (r) related that Allah’s Messenger (s) kissed
Al-Hassa ibn Ali.  Al-Aqraa ibn Habis Al-Tamini, who was present, said, “I have ten children and I have
never kissed any of them.”  Allah’s Messenger (s) looked at him and said, “He who shows no mercy shall
not himself be mercied.” (Al-Bukhari).  So for my third child, even though he does not like to be kissed and
held for long, I still kiss him when he is in the midst of his play or when I happen to walk pass him.  In a
second or two it is over and he is back to what he was doing.  This way he is both happy and knows that I
love him.  As for my first child who likes to be kissed and hugged without the fuss, that is exactly what I give
him.

    Moving onto the giving of tangible items, it was mentioned earlier that this should relate to
equality.  And as Prophet Muhammad (s) said, if you give to one child then you must give to the others.
Why, then, should tangible items be different to intangible items?  With tangible items you can see and touch
it - it has a physical property.  As such it can be compared and its effect is immediate.  A child would be able
to see if his parents have bought a favoured sibling a toy but none for him. He would be able to see if his
new clothing is inferior to his siblings’.  Consequently, the child would immediately feel dejected.  In this
case, it is much better to have equal inputs.  The fairness can be expressed in the phrase “one for you, one
for me”.  Children understand this.  If they cannot have more (or better) then they must have the same.  If
this does not eventuate then jealousy would ‘rear its ugly head’.
Favouratism and Comparisons

    Children can often discern who is “mummy’s or daddy’s favourite”.  A young friend once told me
that her older sister and youngest brother were “mummy’s favourite” while her eldest brother was “daddy’s
favourite”.  Where does that leave her, I wondered.  I looked at the four siblings and I could see the effects
of this favouritism.

    The father’s favourite son was given responsibilities - sometimes he would go to work with the
father and do odd jobs.  The son loved this.  He grew to be a responsible and reliable young man.  The other
two siblings were always praised by their mother - whatever they did they could do no wrong.  These two
grew to be popular and confident young people.  As for the sibling who was no one’s favourite, after years
of criticism and comparisons, she felt she had to act outrageous or different to be noticed.  She grew up
lacking in confidence in herself and looking to others for approval.  With a new sibling in the household, one
wonders how this favouritism would affect him.

    Often jealousy is a result of a parent’s favouritism.  A child I know was so jealous of his sister
because he knew that everyone favoured her.  As a result he would either hit her when no one was looking
or he would imitate her when she was being praised for acting cute.  Little did he understood that what was
cute from her was seen as naughty or silly in him.

    One consequence of favouritism is parent’s making comparisons.  The most common complaint
from parents is “Why can’t you be more like ———?!” or “A is so ——- but B is so ——-!!!”  Everyone
makes this mistake.  What we have to realise is that comparisons are like unconstructive criticisms.  They
undermine the child’s self-esteem and personality.  It builds up resentment for the favoured child.

What Can Parents Do?

     If we have learnt anything from the story of Prophet Yusuf (a) then let it be not to prefer one child
over another in helping us to raise our children.  What are some of the things that we should do to help us
along this path?  Below are the main points from this article:
1 Love each child equitably - spend quality time with each one.
2 Give each child gifts, toys, clothing, etc equally.
3 Accept each child for him/herself - love them for who they are not who you want them to be.
4 Do not make comparisons.
5 Encourage each child to be him/herself - not imitations of another sibling.
The underlying key to the above is the understanding that Allah (swt) created each child unique, full of love
and wanting to be loved.