2005 Premiership Season

Looking into the future...

What can we all expect from 2005? More of the same? Big changes? Uncy Herb dusts of his magic eight-ball and looks into the future...

Adelaide: Andrew MacLeod will take to wearing wrist bands during games and will celebrate with a vaired selection of c'mon's, reverse goosenecks and chainsaws after big plays as he trys to become more and more like his buddy Lleyton Hewitt. Just like Hewitt most of Australia will recognise his talent, but think he's a complete dick-head.

Brisbane: With key retirements and certain players nearing their use-by date, everyone outside QLD or Fitzroy will take great pleasure in watching them lose more than the odd game. The AFL will panic and reverse the reduction of salary cap advantages announcing a new 'big brown bag of money for teams in Sydney and Brisbane' fund.

Carlton: With Wayne Carey appointed assistant special skills and general media attraction coach, the players will attempt to grope women's breasts and cheat on their wives... more than usual. Given the last two seasons worth of recruiting a new sponsor will be announced: the reject shop.

Collingwood: The pies will dominate... the media, thanks to big head Ed controlling the action. With every sports reporter creaming themselves over the future chance to work for Eddie everywhere at 9 they will repeat every dumb-assed PR hype that Vic Park... opps Bob Rose Lexus centre spew out. Buckly will play only a handfull of games and still be rated as 'one of the best' by lick-spittle reporters.

Essendon: James Hird will shock everyone by announcing on the footy show that 'Sheedy is out to get me!'. The story will absorb the media for a week, until Hird and Sheedy make up by kissing over the fence after Hird kicks the winner during a tight game. Jason Johnson will win Essendon's Best & Fairest, dedicating it to his partner Marina Timmins. Marina quit Essendon for Channel 10 after they decided to try and emulate the Lleyton/Cartwright PR saga from the Oz Open. Marina will be voted off "Celebrity Who Wants to Race Around the Renovation Outback" with only one week to go.

Fremantle: Sandilands, the tallest and heaviest player ever, will lift Freo's fans hopes of making a second finals appearance until he falls over during a ruck contest and crushes both Jeff Farmer and Peter Bell. the two are squished together in such a way that Framer's head ends up Bell's arse... which is a change because usually it's up his own.

Geelong: (Runners up in the Grand Final) Ben Graham will sit in the stands crying like a baby as the Cats lead most of the GF, then look smug as the saints roll over the top of the cats to win. He will be sucker punched by Cameron Ling in the change rooms after the match which will cause irreperable damage to his motor skills and ensure he is unable to kick a football further than 5 metres... Carlton will draft him in 2006 after being delisted by the New York Jets.

Hawthorn: With a new coach the Hawks will promise lots, and deliver... as long as all you want is headlines. The new captain Richard Vanderthug, will spend more than half the year on the sidelines as he tries to 'maintain the standard that brought him the capaincy' and goes out to punch blokes at the bottom of packs and gets reported every game. There will be a scare at the club when it is revealed that Self Tanning lotion can make you sterile.

Kangaroos: (wooden spooners) Dean Laidley will have a minor stroke in round 20 when his blood pressure goes up to 220/160 during the half time speech. The stroke will improve his coaching.

Melbourne: With 2005 being an odd year the demons will be booking their End-Of-Season trip early. Neil Danniher will be seen trying to sell memberships to MCC members before games at the 'G, with the club offering a new 'over 90's package' where the member's family is refunded a pro-rata amount should the old codger pass away before the end of the season.

Port Adelaide: As reigning premiers everyone will be out to get them in 2005, and not just on the footy field with Alan Scott taking out a contract on Mark Williams. The contract will be offered at $1,000,000 but reduced to $4.75 after too many people apply for Scott to read all their resumes. Nick Stevens offers to do it and pay for the honor.

Richmond: Terry Wallace will introduce a new game plan to the Tigers. He'll tell every player to niggle the opposition as much as possible and to slow down the game at every opportunity. His new tactic of 'stuffing the ball up your jumper' will be frowned apon by everyone except the AFL bosses who will rule it 'an evolution of the game that must be adapted to by opposition coaches.'

St. Kilda: (Premiers) Driven by Grant 'Cornflakes' Thomas' methodical coaching, the Saints will be taking note of key performance indicators as they celebrate their second flag in more than a century: how many women abused per 30 minutes, how many players have vomited by midnight, and how many times Gehrig has urinated on the floor of the venue each hour.

Sydney: Half of its fans will be missing for 6 weeks when a bad batch of un-wooded chardonnay is sold at the SCG during a game. In order to attract a new, less pretentious crowd the Swans will play several games in Wagga Wagga... the AFL supremeo's will get lost trying to find the ground, although no-one will notice for 2 months.

West Coast Eagles: With Perth Glory doing brilliantly and a new Rugby Union team due in 2006 the Eagles will view 2005 as a vital year when it comes to cementing themselves in the minds of Western Australians. Unfortunately studies will show that few Western Australians actually possess much of a mind to influence.

Western Bulldogs: The Bulldogs will show just how overjoyed they are at the $20million pork-barrell handed out by Johnny Howard before the last election when every player has the PM's likeness tattooed under their skin. Howard will not see one match all year but the players will shave their heads, grow their eyebrows and wear glasses in the pre-match when they are told 'the most important man to Footscray' is comming... Les Twentyman is unimpressed.

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