I'd hung out in pubs, and in
lonely hearts clubs, |
But my love life was not up to
scratch, |
Knowing I could do better, I sent
off a letter, |
Which read "Channel 10 -
Perfect Match" . |
|
In no time at all, I was given a
call, |
They were filming this Saturday
night, |
Here's my big chance to be, a
star on T.V., |
Shining out under studio lights. |
|
You walk out on cue, stare at
camera two, |
With a look in your eye so
engaging, |
"I’m a fun loving
bloke, who likes a good joke, |
I like all outdoor sports, Oh!
And RAGING. |
|
You quiz all the birds, and you
use clever words, |
But they seem to be equally dumb, |
You're given 10 seconds, till
Cameron beckons, |
Okay mate, I'll take number one. |
|
The lady sounds beaut, she comes
from Mount. Druitt, |
And likes to go raging at
'Sweethearts', |
But when you see your date, she's
a ton overweight, |
And looks like a bit of a retard. |
|
Then Cameron says "You're
off to Tweed Heads", |
And although the location
impressed me, |
I would still have to spend, the
entire weekend, |
With a fat seventeen year old
westie. |
|
The weather was hot, and
publicity shots, |
Showed us frolicking out in the
surf, |
She looked so obese, in her tight
black one piece, |
Like a whale about to give birth. |
|
Though I did get one kiss, from
this mean massive miss, |
There was no chance of sexual
attraction, |
When she came into sight, my guts
would go tight, |
And I'd have an allergic
reaction. |
|
We returned to the show, and both
had a go, |
To say what we thought of each
other, |
The opinion was voiced, that if
she had the choice, |
She would rather have gone with
her brother. |
|
The interviews fun, question
number one, |
Is "Well, was there any
romance?", |
What he's meaning to say, in a
round about way, |
Is "Did you get into her
pants?". |
|
"Romance! you may ask, was I
up to the task?, |
This woman soon had my heart
reeling, |
From dawn until dusk, it was
nothing but lust, |
All I saw was the motel room
ceiling. |
|
"That’s enough",
Cameron shouts, |
"Can we cut that bit
out?" |
The producer has had an attack, |
And Cameron, now red, throws a
watch at my head, |
"That's a gift for you both
coming back. |
|
It was all quite a mess, I had
found no success, |
With this new fangled
method of dating, |
But my cute little scene,
although slightly obscene, |
Was a God-send to Channel tens
ratings. |
|
So now you all know, the place
you can go, |
For a free holiday on the coast, |
And the show is now graced, with
my sparkling face, |
Cos I've just been made the new
host! |
