SUPPORT FOR SPOUSES OF BI/GAY PERSONS
My situation is that my husband came out to me 3 months ago - after 7 years of marriage. We have a loving and happy marriage, are best friends and spend a lot of time together, living on a property and being semi-retired. Even though the shock was overwhelming to me - something most women would never dream of having to go through - I now understand it has also been very difficult for my husband harbouring something he thought he would never have to reveal; I understand now that our men are not this way by choice and despite what many women believe, many married men who find they are gay or bi, often want a straight and monogomous marriage and have had to fight the longings they often have had to suppress until it has become no longer possible.
It wasn't easy but I have accepted that part of him now, and I realise that in order to preserve our marriage, it has been necessary to make some "accommodations". We are working on these now, and setting up the guidelines, while keeping to our 3 main promises:- good communication on a daily basis, respect for each other & each others' needs, and total honesty.
I have to say that I feel very sad for women who are bitter and so angry that they cannot move forward, especially when their marriage was good up until their husbands have come out to them. What is very hard for the straight spouse, is when their partners are not honest, and cannot or will not communicate. Just because they have got it "off their chest" (and understandably this is a huge relief for them) it does not give them the right to flaunt it or disrespect their partner. Anything they do to acknowledge their "gayness" should be discussed and agreed to by their partner, otherwise the marriage is a farce and not valued by the outed partner. This is probably why only 15% of marriages stay intact after a spouse has come out and of these only 7% remain monogomous.
In my case, my husband - did not act on his longings before he told me (during our time together anyway), so I am thankful for that, and we have given ourselves time to work through the best option, starting with monogomy through to some safe and acceptable level of fulfillment for my husband, without it becoming more than he actually needs rather than wants. It can become a fine line, but again, it is something you have to talk through and have honesty with.
I am wondering if there are any people who are members here or visit this site, who live in or around Brisbane and/or Toowoomba, as I am hoping to start a support group for straight spouses. I am a professional counsellor and as I now have the personal experience, I feel I am able to offer to facilitate such a group.
I would be interested in hearing from anyone and can be emailed on email@example.com.
Sorry for such a long posting.