Great Quotes and one-liners

Just a random collection of quotations or one-liners that ticked my (sometimes bizarre) fancy.

If you see something unattributed (or worse, wrongly attributed), please let me know and I will fix it.

• Isn't is strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.
  — quoted in Cincinnati Enquirer.
• There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
• Money is simply alcohol in a more easily transportable form.
• I have a friend in cheeses.
• Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.
  — from a fortune cookie.
• Women have to work twice as hard as men to be considered half as good. Fortunately, it isn't difficult.
  — Dorothy Parker.
• Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching humility to cats.
• It's been so long since I've had sex, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
• Gary Larson, "The Far Side" — By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "hungry".
• "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers."
• One milli-helen: the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. NB: When computing negahelens, or sufficient ugliness to sink a thousand ships and extinguish an urban conflagration, merely convert.
  See On the inefficiency of beauty contests
• OJ's web address is http://////////
• Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
  — Mark Twain
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• They who laugh last think slowest!
• Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at mathematics.
• I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
  — English professor, Ohio University
• Grabel's law: 2 is not equal to 3 — not even for very large values of 2.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• Law of probability dispersal: whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
  — Frank Muir & Dennis Norden.
• An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.
• People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
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