|
"Jesus loves me. The creator of the universe, the one who put the
stars into place.
Loves me."
|
When its all
said and done...
The song says it all "When
it's all been said and done, there is just one thing that matters.
Did I do my best to live for truth , will it stand the test of
time..?" I'm not sure if they are the right words but that's pretty
close I think. It makes me stop and wonder, what it is that draws me
on, to make me hunger for more, to want to know Him.
I was very young when I first met Him, sometimes the memory is dim
and distant and sometimes it is vivid and real, the reality of that
night has never left.
My aunt told me about Him. He was someone who cared, someone that
wanted to take care of me. But it took me a while to really grasp
the truth. Jesus loves me. The creator of the universe, the one who
put the stars into place. Loves me.
Even though most people think
that is a huge realization for a 9 year old, that was me. The past,
before I met Him lies enshrouded in darkness, like a craggy rock
cave, it still hurts but things are not clear in my memory. Out of
the darkness into the light I stumbled, weary and scared. My
weaknesses the only thing I knew.
The years passed and He cared
for me through the godly love of Grandparents who faithfully took my
to church and prayed for my life. Who took the time to teach me,
play and let me be a kid.
I grew into a skittish lonely
teenager, loneliness was something I knew well. I never connected
with people, I hid myself in my fantasy novels, in places where the
downtrodden won the battle and that were as far removed from my life
as possible. I buried my hurt, and didn't allow anyone in.
At 14 yrs old, I came face to face with Him again. By this time I
had been diagnosed with a chronic illness and struggled my way
through school in pain and depression. I was not gifted with people
- I hid all the more as it became harder and harder to "fit in"
because of my illness.. it stuck me further on the outside, where I
already felt I was slipping into the darkness.
I tried to rebel against being me, I tried to rebel against being a
Christian and "good" all the time. But it didn't work. What is it
that Ecclesiastes says? Everything is futile..
It happened by chance that my
mum was invited to a Christian conference, and it was three days in
which Jesus reached His hand out to me, and into the darkness and
drew me back into the light. That conference was when I gave my life
to Him. I was baptized in a swimming pool nearby. My life's
direction took a shift and became cemented as the road God set me on
became the only one for me.
Sometime later that year, I had a dream of an open book, a Bible,
very clearly open to Mark 16:15-18, a hand highlighting the passage.
I don't know what you think but to me it was important. My mum said
to write it down. So I did. From then on, I felt a calling to share
my faith, to really live it. Which in a secular, country High School
was a challenge.
At 16 yrs of age I decided to
go live with my dad and stepmother for a period of time, on what I
thought were my own terms, which I know now as a huge mistake of
character judgment on my part.
My grandmother died, and everything hit the wall, right in the
middle of my year 11 exams. I was a wreck - emotionally and stress
levels thru the roof. I needed to be Christian.. more than anything.
I went to prayer meetings when I could before classes at school...
but when my Grandma died I fell apart. See, I loved her and my
grandpa - they played a huge part in my being alive and Christian.
My Grandma left me this poem:
May you always
walk with Jesus,
As you step along life's way,
And His angels too will be there,
To help you day by day.
That's the kind of person she
was. She fought to the very end - she died of cancer in 1995. I miss
her still at times, but I know God had called her home.
Anyhow.. it was her death that hit the hardest and made me want to
persevere with God, to walk where I saw Him calling me to. High
school was not easy for me, though I managed to muddle thru the
remaining years of school with reasonable grades, and a few friends.
I graduated in 1996 from Kingsway Christian College The year I
graduated, I had undergone tests for epilepsy, because I kept
blanking out in class, one of the many symptoms of my illness I now
know but at the time it pushed me to the edge.
Destined for.. who knows where. I had applied to study acting...
with no real idea of making it there, but who knew, I figured God
had something planned... but just in case went ahead with my life.
God DID have something in mind, in the same envelope as the
rejection letter (which I never read at the time, rather a few years
ago I found it and was almost stunned to read it!) was a note
suggesting I study Youth ministry, I have a heart you see for the
wounded, having come from where I come from. Well I changed my
direction and off I went. 17yrs old, flying over 2000 km from my
home and all I had ever known. God took me away to do the heart
surgery he needed to do to get me through life. And there I was in
Sydney..
I changed to a degree after 2 years, because I wanted to keep going,
I didn't know enough, nothing satisfy's the hunger.. its like that
first mouthful of chocolate that you have that makes you want more!
Never satisfied.. always wanting more, hungry and chasing after God.
Sydney was a life changing experience.. a number of things happened.
I lost my mask. I found out really, people like you for you.. you
don't have to hide. I also learnt that respect is a gift.. something
a lot of people don't normally see.. also that if you like
something.. say so.. and be generous with compliments, and use only
a little of insult :) Actually no insult!!! I learnt that no matter
where you are from God is the same, He works the same. He is the one
with the wisdom. I learnt that I have a gift of ministering to
people, to disciple and mentor. I finished up my Bachelor of
Theology. with a double major in Biblical studies (I found my
Niche!) and in Pastoral ministry, with a minor in Theology. then God
told me, to go home.
Home meant facing my demons.. facing the reality of being alone..
and an uncertain future. I returned to the church I had left 3 years
before, but didn't fit in, I didn't make friends there, they still
saw me as the scared and slightly obsessive child that was there
before. Still I stayed.
Friends left the place, and held a going away party. At that party I
met someone new who just happened to be there on a day when I was
truly trying to figure out what God wanted me to do .. he said to me
"Serve God with what you have, where you are."
At the time, what I had was the internet and a computer. My ability
to work was slowly getting worse. I was not really sure what God had
in mind. I was desperately lonely. I chatted a lot on the net, ran a
Christian chat room with some other people, ministry really because
the lonely and lost find computers easier.
I didn't intend to meet anyone there. In fact. I specifically asked
God NOT to let me meet anyone. May 29th 2000, a guy came into the
Chat room declaring he was a new Christian. I was excited, and I
felt God nudge me and say "watch this space". I did.. I just thought
that God had a huge plan for this guy.. nothing else. Several months
later, in July, we were talking a lot. By the end of July we had
figured out we were meant to be together... and he had booked
tickets to come to Perth.
Right up until about this time, I had struggled desperately with
suicidal thoughts and just crying all the time. the last week of
July in 2000, I caught a cold. Nice simple thing really. However, it
turned into influenza and I couldn't eat or drink anything.. and I
was dehydrated, the problems got worse when I just couldn't breathe.
I called my uncle. Then Trevor (who was in Melbourne) and tried to
function as best I could. My Uncle came and took me to the emergency
room of the hospital. They gave me a shot, stuck me on a drip and
oxygen, and then x-rayed my chest etc, it would have terrified me if
I could have felt terrified.. by the time we got to the hospital I
couldn't walk.. I nearly collapsed. I think this is the closest I
had ever come to dying.. and I don't want to go there anymore.
God cured me - not so much of being sick but now I wanted to live..
and live properly... not pining for a future or regretting the past.
My mum arrived at my door unexpectedly the next day, I had to not
tell her about Trev at that point. I knew she would flip just a
little.
August 5th 2000, Trev arrived from Melbourne on a bus, having
traveled 3 days to come there. That night, I went for a drive to
Kings Park.. which is just stunning at night.. and Trev proposed..
the rest, as they say is history.
We got married 51/2 months
later. God sent me a prince charming. What a gift my husband is.. my
carer, gallant knight.. etc.. all the gushy stuff that husbands are
meant to be. God used Trev to protect me from my family in some
regards, to help me sort through my past, and to help me be in a
better space. I found I belonged with Trev. Nothing changes that we
still belong :) !!
Now I sit here, I am 28 years old, feeling young and old at the
same time, its been an amazingly long road, I've had some great
experiences, been through some nasty things, and so forth. God moved
us from one side of the country to the other, and now we are in
Victoria.
But it remains..
what I do, how I live if I don't do it and live it for HIM I am
wasting my time..
I know there is another step
around the corner, and as much as it terrifies me, I am kind of
excited where we will be. I pray that God leads us...!
|
|
