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Transcript 458B — Marrying a Christian Who Does Not Attend Church
HC: Good evening. Welcome to Open Forum.
CALLER: Yes. Brother Camping, do the Scriptures have anything to say about a Christian marrying a Christian that doesn't attend church? Do the Scriptures refer to that?
HC: The question is, does the Scripture say anything about a Christian marrying a Christian who does not attend church?
Well, the Bible says, in II Corinthians 6:14, Be not unequally yoked with an unbeliever. Now this means that God wants us to be very very careful, if we are a born again believer, to make sure that we are marrying a born again believer.
Now if I was going with someone, and they had no interest in going to church, even though they said, "Well, I love the Lord, and I am a Christian," I would have great questions in my mind. I would really wonder, because the Bible says in Hebrews 10 (I believe it is), "Don't neglect the assembling together of the saints." If someone had no interest in the fellowship of other Christians, and did not want to come under the authority of the preaching of the Word, and the authority of those who rule in the congregation, then I, realizing that marriage is binding on the rest of my natural life, would want to have someone who gave a lot better testimony than that before I would marry him.
You see, there are lots and lots of people, and this is a very common experience. A man starts going with a woman, and pretty soon they fall in love. And the woman really wants to marry this man, and it appears as if he probably is a Christian. And there seems to be quite a lot of evidence. He of course wants to marry her, and so he really talks it up that he is a Christian, and so on. And so they don't really investigate this carefully. They don't talk a lot together about the claims of Christ, because they don't really want to, they're really hoping that everything is all right spiritually.
And so they get married. And then after the honeymoon, she finds, to her utter dismay, that he really doesn't have any interest in Christ at all. Now it's not necessary to show any interest, and as a matter of fact, he could really care less. This has happened so frequently that it just grieves anybody's heart.
If the person you're going with does not have a vibrant testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ in his heart, if there isn't clear evidence, very clear evidence that he's born again, that he loves the Lord, he loves to talk about the Word, and he loves to fellowship with fellow believers, then by all means don't continue with this person, because you're just inviting a serious, a terrible problem in your life.
CALLER: Okay. I just have one thing I would like to say. Some people are very quiet about their faith. I haven't really gone with him long enough to really feel that I know . . .
HC: Well, yes. It is true that there are those who are very exuberant people. They're extroverts, as we call them. They talk about everything they think about. And there are those who talk like they're really Christians, and they're really not born again at all. They just have a good line, so to speak. And there are others who are very very quiet, and who dearly love the Lord. And yet they don't talk very much about it. That is true.
But now you must remember that you are not talking about someone that you're just going to visit for a little while, or that you're just going to have a casual acquaintance-ship with. You're talking about someone who's going to become one flesh with you, someone whom you must spend the rest of your natural life with, because in the life of the born again believer the word divorce is unknown. We may not even think about divorce. And so this is a gigantically big step that you are taking. You are committing your whole life to this person.
Therefore, the purpose of dating and the purpose of engagement is to make absolutely certain that you know this other person. And even though they may be reserved and very quiet, ordinarily, as they live amongst people, when it comes to a man and a woman who are contemplating marriage, in the intimacies of exploring each other's minds and exploring each other's thinking, there better be a clear statement and demonstration of where each stands before the Lord. And if this is not forthcoming, even though this person may be very quiet and ordinarily does not say a lot about it, if this is not forthcoming, then it is a dangerous matter to contemplate marriage.
This is very serious business. I just can't underscore enough how serious this is, that you know crystal clear where this person stands in relationship to the Lord. And if you have any doubts at all, then either extend the engagement for another six months, or break off the engagement until you do know, or whatever. But under no circumstance marry someone about whom you have the slighted doubt concerning where he stands before the Lord.
I can testify of all kinds of men and women who have come to their senses after the honeymoon was over, and they've discovered that the person they thought was a believer was not a believer at all, simply because they never took the time, they never honed in on this question of exactly where the other person stood before the Lord.
CALLER: I talked to a person that knew him when he was young, and he was very religious.
HC: That doesn't say anything at all. We can be a very religious person when we're a child, simply because we're doing what daddy and mother wanted us to do. But the thing you have to discover now is, where does he stand now?
Now one of the sad things that happens on today's scene, and it's very sad, is that there is grievous violation of I Corinthians 7:1. There God says, "It is not good for a man to touch a woman." And the context is indicating that God is concerned about fornication, the possibility of sexual desire that ought not be there until after marriage.
Now the typical situation in our culture, and this is very very typical, not only with unsaved people but also with saved people, is that a boy and a girl or a man and a woman start going together. And then it isn't long at all before they are beginning to hold each other in their arms, they're beginning to kiss each other, they're beginning to engage in physical contact. And this shoves the focal point away from the area it ought to be, and it puts it on the physical to a very high degree. In other words, they become very enamoured of each other because of this physical contact. And this body chemistry, of course, was put in men and women by God Himself, so that after marriage it would be the wonderful thrill, the wonderful blessing of marriage, the wonderful experience that should only be in the marriage relationship.
But because they violate I Corinthians 7:1, their focal point is on this physical contact. And because physically they feel such a marvellous oneness together, even though they may not even go all the way to sexual relationship, nevertheless they are not qualified any longer to know each other in their minds and in their spirits, because their thinking is taken up with this physical attraction.
If, on the other hand, they walked according to I Corinthians 7, and they said, "Well, all right now. We're going with each other. And the physical, that is for after marriage. That isn't for now. Now we are free to hone in on knowing each other's mind, knowing each other's thinking. We can find out what we like together. We can talk about the things of the Lord together. We can explore Scriptures together. And we're not going to be troubled by this physical thing. That we're going to save for after the marriage ceremony."
Now that sounds like an impossible task, but I'll tell you this, that if two people will follow that rule, then you've got the makings of a perfect marriage because then you're going to really have opportunity to know each other far better, and you're not going to get snared into a precipitous marriage because the physical attraction got too strong
CALLER: I understand what you're saying. The Lord really never laid it upon my heart to find out what He had to say about what I just asked you. I just happened to think, I wonder what the Scriptures do say.
HC: Well, let me just encourage you to be very very careful. No Christian ought to ever marry with his eyes closed, or with only a half-way idea of how the other person stands before the Lord. If there's any doubt at all, delay the marriage. Don't go through with it, regardless of wherever you might stand in your wedding plans, or whatever. These question must be settled, must be settled openly and cleanly and without any reservation, long before there is a wedding. And if they have not been carefully settled, then either you should stop going with that person, or any wedding plans ought to be pushed away, months and months or years away.
CALLER: Do the Scriptures say that if they don't assemble with other Christians, that's considered unequally yoked?
HC: Well, if a person finds that it's uncomfortable to be with other believers, and doesn't like the church, well then that's contrary to the whole concept of the Bible, that we are a fellowship of believers, that we are to love one another, and that we are to assemble together as a congregation. Automatically I would wonder, Well now, how can a person really love the Lord?
Ordinarily we're not to judge one another, but here you have to pass judgment at least to the degree of making a decision, is this person really born again or not? It's imperative that you know this before you contemplate marriage.
And if a person is uncomfortable or spurns relationships with those who are born again, then I would become very nervous. I would really wonder, I don't know. Maybe he is born again. But, wow! How is this all going to go after we're married? Because he's going to want to continue this way, and I can't live that way. The Bible tells me I have to fellowship with other believers. And we're one flesh. And if he's a child of God and I'm a child of God, we should be doing this together, with other believers. And if already before we're married he doesn't want to fellowship with other believers, well then, already we've got a problem, before we're ever married. And so who wants to walk into that kind of a marriage?
CALLER: Okay. He's very well educated and very well read, and he said that graduate school changed him. I'm wondering, how could that change a person in their faith?
HC: How does graduate school change a person in his faith?
CALLER: The more highly educated they become, perhaps it changes them.
HC: Actually, every person must make a choice as to whom he's going to serve. As Joshua said to Israel of old, "Choose you this day whom ye will serve. But as for me and my house, I will serve the Lord." All right. Now when a youngster is young, he probably will easily align himself with wherever his parents are. But as his education continues, and as he gets more into the world, whether it's in the armed services or whether it's on a job, or whether it's in graduate school, or wherever, his choices are going to begin to more and more lean toward the way that is most comfortable for him. And if a person is not born again, then he will gradually be attracted more and more to the world.
Now you can blame the graduate school, or you can blame the job, or you can blame the armed services, or whatever you want to blame. But the fact is, if he is not a child of God, he's going to find that this world is very enticing, it's very intriguing, it's a very wonderful place to be. And so he will be drawn away. And that's a tremendous warning sign, if you are going with someone.
Now on the other hand, if he is a child of God, if he has become born again, then as he is active in graduate school or active in a job, or active in the armed cervices, or whatever, he will begin to see the futility of the world. He'll begin to see the vanity and the emptiness and the shallowness and the deceitfulness of the world. And he will begin to get more and more uncomfortable, and want to be drawn closer and closer to the body of believers. And this is what you really want to look for in a prospective husband.
May God give you much wisdom as you seek out this question. Good night.