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Transcript 480A — Some Advice on Dating
HC: Good evening. Welcome to Open Forum.
CALLER: I have a question for a friend of mine. He is in a dating situation where he is dating a woman. And he is very interested in continuing and developing a deeper relationship with her. However, she is interested more, it seems right now, in casual dating, in which she wants to date one or a number of other men. And this seems to every once in a while cause a problem for my friend. He does have a desire for it to be dating only with her steady. And this does sometimes cause frustration. He's wondering how he should continue in this relationship, what his action or attitude should be now.
HC: The question is about going steady, or having a friend of the opposite sex who is only for me and not for any one else. How do we stand over against that possibility?
Actually, until there is a marriage proposal that has been accepted, neither partner has any really claim upon the other. The purpose of dating, of course, is to become acquainted. Maybe this girl is wisely making sure that she is going to know as much as possible about more than one person, so that before she becomes serious with someone, or begins to have any intentions toward someone in the light of marriage, she knows a lot more about this person.
Now in order to know something about a person you have to have time to visit with him, and dating is that marvellous time when that visitation can go on. Now of course to a young man (or to an older person the same could be true) this could be very frustrating, because he wants her full attention for himself. But if he really is seeking the will of God, and if he is determined that eventually if a date will lead to marriage somewhere along the way, he also wants to know whatever he can about the other person. Perhaps he will want to look at other girls also and date them, in order to make sure that he is finding the girl who is most suitable to himself and who really loves the Lord.
You can't force someone on a date to give their full attention to yourself, because you have no claims on that person at all. Of course, in marriage it's total, and once there is a proposal of marriage that has been accepted, then you enter into that time when you really become acquainted, that is, when you give full attention to each other, to discover if for sure this marriage ought to go through, so that you are most careful before the marriage vows are actually taken.
But until that proposal of marriage, I cannot fault this girl for wanting to date several.
CALLER: Thank you very much. Now a question pertaining to my own case. I am dating a woman, and there are things that I see that I would like see changed in her. I see areas where I think there needs to be changes made. What I'm wondering, Mr. Camping, is, do I have a right to expect to see changes? And if so, what should be my attitude in trying to help the person to make these changes that I think should be made?
HC: Now that is a very practical question. First of all, when two people become very interested in each other, if one is a born again believer, he wants to make sure that the other partner is a born again believer. That of course is number one. And if the other person is not a born again believer, then the dating should be discontinued immediately. If changes are involved that have to do with a relationship with Christ, then it means that you are moving in the direction of a mixed marriage, or a marriage of a believer and a non-believer. And that ought not be.
Secondly, you want to make sure that the person you are dating and being more and more concerned about is able to be married. If she has divorced, then you should not be dating her. That is an absolute no-no insofar as the Bible is concerned. The Bible is very clear that whoso marries a divorced person commits adultery.
Now comes the other matter. You are dating someone and you see certain idiosyncrasies or characteristics or weaknesses, or whatever they are, in this person. And you really like this person in a lot of ways, and in a lot of ways you think you could be married to her, and all would be well, if only she would change this, if only she would change that.
Actually, to enter into a marriage relationship with that idea in mind is fraught with danger. You don't marry someone to change them or to make them over. You marry them as they are. And if by God's grace later on there might be some moulding in their character, that's by God's grace, if that is required.
Sometimes the change ought to be in me rather than in her. In other words, maybe I have to learn to be more patient. Maybe I have to learn that I shouldn't be looking for the faults in others. I ought to examine my own faults. I ought to be less judgmental.
But under no circumstance go into a marriage believing that you are going to change the other partner. That is to walk into a very wrong situation.
CALLER: Is it proper to see if these changes can be made before marriage, if the person would even be willing to consider change in these areas?
HC: Well, this again is the purpose of dating. And as you talk about these things, if the person you're dating is willing to listen to you and try to make changes, and you see that apparently there are some changes made, well, fine. You have to be careful, of course. You want to make sure that she is not just doing this for the sake of insuring a marriage, so that after the marriage, when the knot has been tied, so to speak, then she can revert back to her old practices. You have to make sure that it's genuine and sincere.
On the other hand, if you keep insisting, "I'll marry you if you make these changes," she may grow tired of that, also, and decide, "Well, then I shouldn't marry you." It's a very dangerous path that you're walking. When you are with someone that you are beginning to consider as a life partner, and you have to begin with making changes in her life, or wishing that she had changes in her life, I would say that's a very dangerous business, because a person is what they are. And if both of you are born again believers, by God's grace you'll both grow in grace as you go along.
But right at the very outset there ought to be a total acceptance of each other as you are. And if you can't have that, then you're, I'm afraid, moving in a very difficult path.
CALLER: I see. Thank you for your advice on that question.