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Transcript 533A — Unresolved Bitterness Following Divorce
HC: Good evening. Welcome to Open Forum.
CALLER: I just wanted to express my deepest sympathy for that woman that called who had lost her children, through her husband leaving her, because I have experienced the same thing. I have three kids also. Mine ranged from about eighteen to twenty-seven, just a little bit older than hers. But I raised those children, and I was a good mother to those kids. They had to depend on me rather than the father, really.
And I raised them in a good Christian home. We were Baptist people. But when he left me (we were together for twenty-five years), they just seemed to leave me, too. You know what I mean? I don't know why they do this. But I thought we were just as close as any mother could be to her children. But when the father left they just pulled away from me. They weren't respectful to me anymore. They just didn't act like they wanted to be around me anymore. And you know, I had never, never heard of that, unless it was some mother that was a drunkard or was mean to them, or something like that. But this wasn't the case at all. And I could just cry for that woman last night, because I've shed so many tears, and I was so ashamed of it, because I love my kids, and it was a shame to me and I didn't want anybody to know it. So I wouldn't talk about it to anyone.
But in a way it did me good, too, to know that there was another woman that had experienced that. And I'll tell you, you know, it may be common to man, and all of that. But it doesn't lessen the hurt. It doesn't lessen the pain at all. I know it's common to man, and all of that. But no one knows the pain and the agony that you go through when you lose your husband, especially when you get in the middle years. You see, a man can just walk away, he can marry someone young, he can pick up his life and just go right on living. There's no problem there. But it's not that way with a middle-aged woman. When she loses her husband, that is half of her. You might just as well saw her right down the middle. That's about the way it is. So she not only loses him, you see. She loses her children, which just intensifies it. And it's just like you're looking in every coffin of your husband and your children. They're dead to you. Yet they're alive, and not loving you. So it's worse than death. I wish I had buried my children and my husband rather than walk away and forget me like I didn't even matter.
HC: You see, actually, what you are emphasizing is the fact that when two people become married, they are one. And this intimacy is not just in the fact that they live together as one person, but actually, it enters into their whole life experience. And so divorce indeed is very traumatic. As you said, it's like cutting yourself in half. And it is very difficult.
And of course the fact that your children forsook you only emphasizes again the terrible sinfulness of divorce. Your children obviously are confused. They don't know which parent to follow, and this is trauma for them. Unfortunately your children took a wrong path. They were not nearly as concerned for you as they ought to have been. But sin breeds sin. It's the nature of sin that it brings destruction, it brings misery into the lives of all that it comes in contact with.
Now the marvellous thing, however, and this is where we have to finally focus our eyes, is that while we cannot trust man, there is nobody on the face of this earth, no human being that we can put our trust altogether in, because we all have feet of clay, we're always going to disappoint someone else, and in certain cases, when this kind of sin that you're speaking of enters in, then it is a terribly grievous disappointment, yet there is one that we can always trust, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. And if as a result of all this it causes us to intensify our trust in the Lord and our consecration to Him and the fact that we must abandon ourself afresh to Him, then it can be useful to the Lord in our lives.
CALLER: I will be honest with you. It drove me further from the Lord. Now I know it should have pulled me closer, and all of that. But I am not Jesus Christ, I am not in my glorified body. And I do need the companionship and the love of flesh and blood. This is just the way it operates.
HC: But you see, then you have to face the question, if this drove you further from the Lord, then you have to raise the question, then am I really a child of God? In other words, does God mean what He says when He says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you," when He tells us that we are to trust in Him, when He tells us that we are not to be anxious about anything but with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make our requests to the Lord?
If we find that we go through a deep misery of this nature (and many of course do), and we find that there is bitterness in our soul, it's driving us away from the Lord, then we have a bellwether. We have an indicator, we have a caution light, if you will, that we must examine our relationship with the Lord, are we indeed born again? And it could be, in God's gracious mercy, in His fantastic long-suffering with an individual, that He allows this terrible testing program to come in, this terrible trial, to that this person will get an objective look at himself and realize, "well, after all, I'm not saved. I'm not saved." And then with this awareness the horror steals over him, "Well, if I'm not saved, I'm still subject to hell. And that's a terrible thing. Oh God, have mercy on me. Oh God, I too want to know that I am saved." And he can make it his business to make sure that he has turned his whole life over to the Lord.
And in that case the suffering that he went through and the terrible situation he went through will turn into a tremendous blessing, because obviously it is a million times better to go through this life without a family and go into eternal life as a child of God than it is to have a beautiful family in this life but wake at the Judgment Throne knowing that I have to still pay for my sins.
CALLER: Brother Camping, I'm going to admit that I am confused, because when I listen to preachers and I hear you, it puts a doubt in my mind about my salvation, because you're saying that all I need to do is stay close to the Lord and read the Bible and pray, and this sort of thing. And it is not enough for me, which does leave the question in my mind, am I really saved? And yet when I turn to the Christians, it seems like I am. It seems like I've done everything that the Scripture says to do.
HC: For example, if we find that we have a bitterness in our soul, "I just cannot forgive my husband for what he did to me", then we have clear evidence that we're not saved, because the Bible says if you do not forgive your fellow man for his trespasses, neither will I forgive you. And so in our shock at finding this out, what is the first thing we're going to do? We know that there's nothing we can do. We aren't saved because of what we do. We're saved because of what Christ has done. All we know is that we discover I'm a sinner. I have this bitterness in my soul. My sins are not forgiven. And that means I'm going to hell. And "Oh, Lord," we're going to begin to cry out in our shock and consternation and misery, "Oh Lord, have mercy on me. Oh Lord, I don't want to go to hell. Oh Lord, save me."
And the first thing we're going to do, we know from the Word of God, is we must repent of our sins. We see this bitterness in our soul that is the evidence that we're not saved, and so we're going to be crying out, "Oh God, take this bitterness away from me. Help me that I will be altogether forgiving, and give me a hatred for this kind of life that I've been living. I've been going away from Thee instead of being drawn closer to Thee. And oh Lord, I don't want to go this way anymore."
Salvation, you see, is the moment of truth, when we strip away all the veneers of self-pride and self-sophistication, and whatever else we want to call it, and we look at ourselves very nakedly, that we're sinners under the wrath of God, and only by abandoning ourselves to Christ, only by throwing ourselves on His mercy, hanging our whole life on Him. "Oh Lord, I just want to do it Your way from now on. I've got to quit this self-pity. I've got to quit this selfish thinking that my life is the worst that anyone ever had."
And I've got to begin to look at Christ as the one. Look what He did for me, or what kind of an offer He is making. He left Heaven, He was stripped of all of His glory, He was spit upon, He was reviled, His own did not receive Him, the Bible says. That is, He became a human being, and He was a Jew and the Jews did not receive Him. The whole world did not receive Him. He was crucified for my sins. He didn't deserve any of this awful wrath that was poured out upon Him. He did all of this for those who are being saved.
And so why should I feel sorry for myself when I realize what Christ has suffered? And if I have been pitying myself and feeling sorry for myself because of my suffering, I'd better start looking at someone else who has suffered much more than I have, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. And I'd better ask for forgiveness for all of the sin that has come into my life as a result of this.
CALLER: As you say, I might not be saved. But I just cannot be a Jesus Christ. I just can't. I'm a woman, I'm flesh and bone and blood. As you say now, maybe I'm not saved. I thought ever since I was eleven years old that I was. But now if that is enough, if I stick close to the Lord that much that I don't need a companion, I can go through this life after spending twenty-five years with a man and children, if I can turn around at this age, go back and say, "Hey, I don't need all of this, it never meant that much to me," and "away with this," if I can do that just by getting close to the Lord Jesus Christ, then I guess I'm just not saved.
HC: Well, you see, in the flesh you can't do this. In the flesh this is a grievous thing in your life that you've lost your husband and your children. But in Christ you can have this strength. Remember what the Bible says? "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And the first thing I have to do is recognize, I have no strength. I have no strength. My strength is all what God gives me. But I know that I want to do it God's way. And therefore I go to the Lord and begin to do it God's way, trusting that He will strengthen me.
And this will only happen as you focus your eyes back on Christ and off of yourself. Our big problem as human beings is that by nature, and I'm talking about all of us, we're very selfish, we're very self-cantered. And when someone hurts us, we feel hurt right to the core. And we just carry on tremendously when in our own souls because of what someone has done to us.
But God indicates that we're not alone. We can know the Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior and we can become a child of God. And we can rise above the circumstances. We don't have to let the circumstances bring us down into the dust and bring us into a feeling of total misery. We can trust in the Lord, and He will strengthen us. But we must take our eyes off of ourselves. We must begin to put our eyes on Christ, and we must begin to be obedient to Him.
Now we don't do this in our own strength. We do this only as Christ strengthens us. But we begin to do it because we know that we're in trouble with God, we know that we're under damnation if we are not saved. Now we don't start obeying God because in that way we're going to be worthy, in that way God will say, "Well, I guess this is a pretty nice lady, so I'll save her, too." No. We do these things because we find a repugnance to sin in our life. We just don't want to sin anymore. We've had it. We know that we want to love Christ. We are abandoning ourselves to Him. And therefore repentance comes.
And actually, all of this repentance and this trust is a product of the fact that God is beginning to deal with us. He is beginning to draw us. And so we just keep doing it God's way. That's why last evening I spoke at length to this lady and said memorize Philippians 4'8. Memorize it, "Whatsoever things are true and lovely," and so on. And let that be a part of your life, and let that be the control in your life, of your thought life. This is one way that will help you to repent of your sins.
God, you see, has made provision for each of us, regardless of how sad our condition has become, how much our suffering may be. And that provision of course is through the Lord Jesus Christ. But if we really mean business with Him, then we want to turn away from our sins, and we want to be obedient to Him.
And so we have to start by saying, "Oh Lord, forgive me. I've been so selfish, so self-cantered. My pride has been hurt. And really, when I look at myself honestly, I'm nothing. I'm nothing. It's only what Christ can make of me that amounts to anything. I thought I was somebody. Of course it hurt me grievously when my family left me. And of course it is a real hurt when I've been one flesh with my husband for twenty-five years and now he's gone, and my children that I bore have forsaken me. This is a grievous hurt. But oh Lord, I know that You understand, and I know that somehow all of this is for my blessing, even though I can't understand it at all. And I know that You care for me and that I can be Your child if I'll only trust in the Lord Jesus. And oh Father, help me to have that trust, that confidence in Him. Help me to have an earnest desire to turn away from my self-pity and this bitterness that I have. Help me to be altogether forgiving."
And as you become obedient, because God is strengthening you to become obedient, then you will find that the trauma is being lessened. You'll find the satisfaction of obedience within your soul. And you'll begin to have the peace and the assurance that you really know your sins are forgiven. And that will be wonderful. That will be wonderful. It will sustain you, even though you did without ever having your children or your husband again.
CALLER: It just seems like I was called upon to do the impossible, you know?
HC: Yes. Remember the promise. Now God is very faithful. This promise is tremendous, you see. We think that we're called upon to do the impossible. But if we trust in God, we know that He doesn't lie to us. And He says that He will not allow us to be tried above that we are able. And He has tried you. He has put you in a testing program. And through this He has given you a very objective look at yourself. And you see that you have a desperate need of Christ as your Savior, as the one that you can have complete trust in and confidence in. And He will never let you down. Now your husband did. You did have some confidence in Him, you did have some confidence in your children. And they let you down very badly. This is because they're human beings, and they're plagued by sin, as all human beings are.
But when you turn to Christ and abandon yourself to Him, He will never let you down. And then you're on the road that leads to eternal life. Then you know, well, all right. I'm going to go through this life, it's a veil of tears. I have my sorrows, it's going to go on for a little while. But I have something far more glorious than this, far more glorious, that I'm waiting for. And that is the New Heaven and the New Earth. And I'm going to spend eternity there. And that's what I'm going to start thinking about. And I'm just going to praise God for each day as it goes by and ask Him for strength to face the question of the day and the problems of the day. But this is not where it is, this is not where the real action is. The real action is still coming, when I'm going to spend eternity with the Lord Jesus Christ. And then you're going to find that indeed you can live out your life and still be useful to the Lord, and the bitterness will be gone.
When it comes to a point in your life when you know at the bottom of your heart that you have forgiven your children for what they have done to you, and you have forgiven your husband for what he has done to you, so that instead of feeling bitter toward them and angry toward them, instead you will have an honest, sincere compassion and pity for them, because they are acting like those who are unsaved and probably are still sentenced to hell, then you will have come to that point where you can know, "I'm born again, because I'm beginning to think like Christ now."
Now this can happen in your life if you will begin to cry out to God for His forgiveness and His mercy. This is the promise God gives to us, that if we seek Him we can surely find Him. The fact that a person might think he is saved when he is eleven years old or twelve years old, or he's been in a church, is no proof of anything itself. And very frequently, and I'm more and more convinced of this as I read the Bible and as I study the lives of people, God puts us through these trials because He loves us, and He wants us to realize, you thought you were saved but you haven't come to that point. That is still coming. And I need this trial in your life in order that you might really, I'll use this trial in your life so that you really might come to your spiritual senses and realize that that wasn't salvation, after all. And then you can bless God, you can praise God that this did happen to you.
CALLER: Well, it must be. I have worked on this thing, I've figured it, I've talked and I've counselled for eight years. I can't come up with an answer for it. But there must be some area in my life that He's trying to reach.
HC: Now you have to admit, and I'm gathering this, and I'm not judging you. You're calling seeking counsel, and I'm trying to help you, and therefore I'm speaking very candidly to you, because I don't show any love for you, I'm not helping you if I just try to say nice things to you. That won't prove anything. But you have to admit, at least I suppose you would have to admit, from what you have said, that deep within your heart there is a real bitterness there, a real lack of forgiveness toward your family for the terrible thing they did to you.
CALLER: Yes.
HC: And if that is there, and it's been there these eight years, then you have evidence, "I'm still not saved," because that cannot be there if you're a child of God. And therefore praise God tonight that you know this is a fact, and now you can get busy and do something about it. And if I were in your shoes right tonight, I would pour out my heart to the Lord, ''Oh Father, I've been criticizing my family, I've been saying bad things about them, I've been thinking bad things about them, and all the time I'm the one who was in need of salvation. Maybe they need salvation, too, but that's between them and You. But I know I need salvation. And oh Father, here I have this bitterness in my heart, this lack of forgiveness. And oh Father, forgive me, forgive me. Strengthen me. Give me a hatred of my actions. And instead replace this bitterness with love for my family and compassion, and pity. And oh Father, help me to trust in Jesus Christ instead of in myself or in my family."
CALLER: Would you take just a half a minute to do something for me? You could forget my husband, but would you pray for my children, just for about thirty seconds? I'd sure appreciate it.
HC: Well, I would surely do this. I don't normally pray on the air, but in this particular instance I will . . . (Prayer follows)
CALLER: Well, I sure do appreciate you, Brother Camping, because I've just worked at this thing for so many years, and I don't know what else to do.
HC: Now you just call on the Lord, and pour it all out to Him. Tell Him all about it. And just the wellsprings of your heart flow forth. Don't hold anything back. Just cry out to God. He is the one that understands everything. And He is the one that can do something about it for you.
CALLER: Okay, and God bless you.
HC: Good night.