Subject: Messageboard Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 12:38:21 +1000 From: Mark Longmuir To: Mark Longmuir Matt: Found it at last - the Star Test interview with Tony Slattery! :) (07-Jul-1999 19:57:58) Michelle: That's excellent, Matt. Thanks for transcribing it ! Would you mind if we add it to the Tony pages ? (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 22:45:43) Matt: Be my guest. What's the address? (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 01:53:40) Michelle: Ahh, bless the Noble Sir Matt :) ( http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Theater/2848/TonyIndex.htm ) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 23:51:27) Katrina: WOO HOO!! :o) That is so cool!! Thanks Matt, I printed it out (well DUH! It's about Tony :op) (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 23:22:32) DFW: Wow, that was long....and interesting. Thanks! (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 23:58:35) Molly : I forgot he was in For Me and My Girl. Does anybody know if it's on CD or audio cassette? I mean the version with him in it. (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 02:15:16) Matt: A bit of further info... (08-Jul-1999 02:35:53) Katrina : Hey, now I know his birthday, something I thought I would never find out ;o) (is it a bit scarey to think I have all this info on Tony now and can use it :op LoL) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 23:08:38) Jessie: Thank ye Matt :) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 08:46:59) Mark: Hmmm... strangely enough, I think I just added a discussion of this to the archives yesterday... coincidence? You be the judge. Or ask Clive. (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 09:22:46) TCS: Thanks, Matt :) hehe, now people will believe me for sure when I say what I saw [weg] (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 15:42:14) Michelle: Strange he wanted to be on 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E' as a kid, I always thought he looked like the guy on it. (n/t) (09-Jul-1999 01:48:46) -- Mark Longmuir - longmuir@labyrinth.net.au Homepage: http://www.labyrinth.net.au/~longmuir/ Whose Line is it Anyway? - http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Lot/8451 "Stop tap dancing, you fool!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- [Image] [Image] Whose Board is it, Anyway? Found it at last - the Star Test interview with Tony Slattery! :) Wednesday, 07-Jul-1999 19:57:58 195.92.194.108 writes: "Star Test" was a popular Channel 4 series in the early 90s in which celebrities answered a series of questions fired at them by a computer with a husky female voice. I knew I had the Tony Slattery ep on tape somewhere, and last night I found it. Here's the transcription: STAR TEST: (Credits roll - footage of Tony arriving at the studio, wearing his regular navy suit with matching polo-neck jumper. Goes through his CV. Tony sits down in front of the camera) T = Tony, I = Interviewer I: Hello Tony. T: Hello. I: Welcome to 'Star Test', the computer interview. It's just the two of us, but viewers will be phoning in during the show to vote on whether or not you are telling the truth. If they believe you, there will be a chance to show your chosen clip. If not, a mystery forfeit will appear in its place, so please, try to answer my questions honestly. Here are nine categories of questions. Please select a category by simply touching the screen. T: Er, "Before & After" please. I: Please choose any number. T: One. I: What nicknames have you got? T: Oh, none that I'm aware of. I think at school they used to call me 'toenail' because it began with a 't'. Six. I: What do you consider your purpose in life? T: My purpose in life? Oh, that's a heavy one! Er, to... I: What do you predict for the 90s? T: Oh that was interesting, wasn't it? Because I didn't mean 'two', I meant 't' 'o'. I'll answer that one first - to spread universal peace and happiness and leave the world a better place than it would have been had I not been there. I suppose anyone would say that. Er, something about the 90s, you asked there, I'm going to go on to that. I would say for people in their 90s - a progressively degenerate sex life, but accompanying that, a sense of warm companionship and lasting peace. Thirteen. I: How would you describe your favourite childhood toy? T: I'm going to get up for this if you don't mind (walks around the studio). Erm, my favourite childhood toy... that wasn't rehearsed by the way, I'm just getting up because I'm feeling a bit sweaty, and it's because I don't have any boxer shorts on. Perhaps that's a good idea for wearing boxer shorts of course, because then it would absorb some of the sweat, possibly. The reason I don't wear underwear is because I did judo a lot - sorry, different question but I'll come on to your question in a moment - erm, and, and, and they always used to say 'don't wear anything because it just makes you hot and sweaty and you get fungal infections' and all that sort of thing, and that's kind of stayed with me, and I like the freedom it gives me. Er, favourite childhood toy - well, it wasn't really a toy. What I used to do - and a lot of people might say this was evidence of an unhappy childhood; I had a gloriously happy childhood - I used to make a companion. I used to get a spare pair of pyjamas and stuff it with rags, and then put a cricket ball in a sock for its head, and so I would have a companion, whom I called Fred. Now part of that was so I could practise my judo throws on him, and part of it was so I could pretend I was on in 'The Man From UNCLE' and beat him up. So, in a way, that was my favourite childhood toy. Three. I: Did you have a worst subject at school? T: My worst subject...I'm going to sit back down for this one (sits). That's better, less wsweaty now. I suppose my worst subject - well, I failed two 'O'levels because I didn't do any work for them at all. I failed Latin, very badly, because I mistranslated something idiotically. I think it was the word "barbiee" , which I think is barbarians isn't it? And I think the barbarians in this particular text were throwing flaming firebrands at a building, but I thought it meant their beards were on fire, so I had lots of barbarians running out of this room with their beards on fire. So that was one. And the second 'O'level I failed was Geography. A lot of people might say that's a good thing, to fail Geography. And I think there was a report sent to the school because they thought I was taking the piss, but I wasn't. It was an essay on the Dutch Polderlands where they reclaim the land from the sea and I think I started the essay "Hello, and welcome to Holland" and I really wasn't taking the mickey. I think it was "Hlelo, and welcome to Holland. Land of cheeses, dykes and windmills, in which the Dutch fight their never-ending but courageous battle against the encroaching sea", because I didn;t know anything about the Polderlands , but I thought I would just make it interesting. I might have seen Judith Chalmers on the television as well, so I suppose those were my worst subjects. (Clip of FILM DUB from WLiiA? with Tony Slattery & Paul Merton shown) I: Now please select a new category. T: "Honour & Justice" please. I: Please choose any number. T: Fourteen. I: Which laws would you choose to change? T: I'd like there to be a law which prevented people from eating very loudly, or talking in cinemas and theatres. Eleven. I: Do you ever use the fact that you have a black belt in judo as a threat? T: Oh God, no, certainly not, no. I'm a reasonably peaceable and passive chap like that. No, I could think of nothing crasser and I don't think I've ever done it because I was taught it rather well and it was never taught in that macho, Eastern, pre-emptively aggressive martial arts way. It's the gentle art - the art of breaking your opponent's balance while retaining your own, within very strict sporting environments and rules. So no. Ten. I: To what extent do you judge people on first meeting? T: Erm, to a greater or lesser extent depending on the impact they have on me. One has been proved very badly wrong in the past but, equally, sometimes the first ten seconds can tell you all you need to know. Seven. I: What have you ever stolen? T: Cheeky! I have stolen a 1940s telephone from a film studio somewhere, but I'm sure no-one needed it and it was just hanging about covered in dust and I lovingly restored it and gave it away to someone as a gift, so in fact, I gave that telephone a home. So there! Thirteen. I: How good a liar are you? T: I would say...it depends on what I'm trying to protect really. I suppose I lie in the same circumstances as most people - either to save my own skin or to save someone else's feelings. I think I'm probably disturbingly good sometimes. I: Now please select a new category. T: All right. I will go for "LOve & Passion". I: Please choose any number. T: One. I: How did you feel when you last fell in love? T: Oh, when I last fell in love...I suppose you have to differentiate between falling in love and having a crush or infatuation, and often I can't tell the difference. I'm not sure many people can. I think it's an uncomfortable feeling, because you are out of control, and when you're out of control, people can take advantage of you. Of course, that's backed up by feelings of happiness and abandon as well. So I would say a mixture, a mixture of joy and despair. After all, that's love isn't it? Pompous old crap! Six. I: What do you fantasise about? T: (laughs) What do I fantasise about? You cheeky thing! Erm, I suppose you mean sexual fantasies. Often it's like...it's not one specific thing, it's more of a dadaist nightmare, a surreal flight of fantasy which often...the details of which, of course, when one wakes up, especially if they're night dreams, one's forgotten about so it's not one particular thing. So I would not be able to say something like, I don't know, er, I would not be able to give a particular person or a particular situation. It's often a tapestry of various elements, most of which possibly couldn't be included in a family show like this one. Fourteen. I: How large is your sexual appetite? T: How large is my sexual appetite? Erm, it varies. I don't know whether it is to do with bio-rhythms or general happiness - the longest I was celibate was for two years, and I regard that as one of my happiest times. Seven. I: How did you tackle the filming of a bed scene with Georgina Hale? T: (laughs) You did your research, you naughty thing. How did I tackle it? Well, it was difficult. I think Georgina's a very good and ingenious and unusual and rather eccentric actress but she didn't actually talk to me until we actually hit the sack in the bed scene and she turned to me suddenly and said 'Hello Tony - you are Tony aren't you? - I'm not going to do this as the usual post-coital prop-up...' - because it was post-coital you know, we'd just done it, allegedly, and I was her Spanish lover, Luis, and she said 'no, we're not going to smoke cigarettes or anything, that's boring darling. I'm going to do the entire scene under the blankets, just moving around' - and also they had to make up my bum, because I'm a kind of pasty, anglo-Irish white colour, and I had to look Mediterranean, and I don't like having my bum made up. It's not very dignified. (Clip of bed scene in BOON, with Tony Slattery and Georgina Hale) T: Twelve. I: What emotions do you find most difficult to display? T:Most difficult to display? Erm, probably all emotions really, in that I'm not, as it were, an emotionally profligate person. It's not that I'm wound up about them, it's just I think sometimes the can be devalued by displaying them too often, perhaps in a slightly American way, where nothing is subjugated, everything's up front and maybe that's good and maybe that's bad but it's not for me. The emotions I hate displaying are sarcasm and jealousy and I try to keep a bottle on those. Eight. I: Would you like to have an affair with yourself? T: (laughs a lot) Would I like to have an affair with myself? Ooh, we are getting into Freudian or even Yungian areas here. No, because I'd only let myself down. And be useless in bed, probably. And not do the washing up. I: Now please select a new category. T: "Inside & Out" please. I: Please choose any number. T: Thirteen. I: How much do you like looking at yourself in the mirror? T: Oh God, not at all, not at all. I suppose there's this thing about the semantic difference in the semantic question of 'like' - 'do I find it pleasurable?' - no, 'do I do it a lot?' - yes, because I suppose as an actor you go to auditions, and I suppose in a way I am quite vain, I suppose actors have to be vain. But I don't find it pleasurable but I do find myself doing it a lot just to check for zits and grey hairs and all that. Eleven - oops sorry, cracked my fingers... I: What is the most radical step you've taken to change your appearance? T: (laughs) The most radical step I've taken to change my appearance...there was once a period in about 1983 when I went to...I wasn't getting any work and I was feeling a bit down and depressed and I think when people feel down and depressed they do try to change their appearance somehow, so I went to a local hairdresser's - I think, something called 'Champagne' or something, spelt with a 'ch' or a 't' at the end, I don't know - and I went in and said 'oh, just do something interesting with it' and all these girls kind of clustered around me, and I was obviously some kind of guinea pig for them, and after much hoohing and haahing and poking they said 'I know, we'kll give you burgundy lowlights'. And I did't know what lowlights or burgundy lowlights were or anything like that, so I said 'yeah all right'. And I was there for ages and ages and they put foil on my hair and everything. And when they took it off some three and a half hours later, my hair was carrot-coloured. It was the colour of a carrot. And I went home and I dropped in at my mum and dad's and opened the door - and my mum fainted. Don't know why, she thought I'd been in some kind of accident or something like that. And so I went upstairs and dyed it black, back to black. I suppose that's the most radical thing. Never again - don't tamper with nature, boys and girls! Eight. I: Where do you draw the line in interviews? T: Draw the line? Oh, it depends what sort of questions they ask. If their questions were about one's sex life, or lack of it...I'm quite old-fashioned in that I think what I do with my n-- (censored by the programme) is nobody's business but mine. Three. I: What image do you deliberately try to cultivate? T: Hand on heart I don't think I do to try to cultivate an image. I am pretty much myself I think. I suppose I'm at pains to come over as a reasonably affable bloke. Nine. I: What were your first thoughts on waking up this morning? T: Er, my first thoughts were...about doing this, I think. And whether it was a good idea. TRIVIA QUESTIONS: I: How many pairs of boxer shorts do you have? T: One. I: Who is your favourite film director? T: I think I would have to go for Sergio Leoni. Is he dead? Possibly. But I enjoyed his films. I: What colour are your swimming trunks? T: Black. I: Which is your favourite city? T: Edinburgh. I: What car do you drive? T: I don't drive a car. I've got half a Morris Minor, it was smashed up. I used to drive - which was my first car - a 180B SS sports coupe Datsun in blizzard white, but it was only two hundred pounds, so that's why I bought it. I: What is your favourite sport? T: My favourite sport to watch is gymnastics, but to do is, I suppose, squash - when I do it. I: Where did you last go on holiday? T: Where did I last go on holiday? I think it was Austria in about 1983. I: Which is your favourite band? T: My favourite band? Everything But The Girl. I: How many leprechauns have you seen? T: I'm sorry - are you on drugs? (Clip of EVERYTHING BUT THE GIRL performing "I Don't Want To Talk About It") I: Now please select a new category. T: OOh, erm, "Sweet & Sour" please. I: Please choose any number. T: Ten. I: Which is your worst physical feature? T: Oh God, that's for others to say. Clothes can hide a multitide of sins. Er, I don't like...I've always been worried about my teeth. I was one of a generation of 50s babies whose mothers when they were pregnant with me were prescribed an antibiotic called tetracycline. It was later discovered that tetracycline deposits in the teeth of the foetus, or in the genes of the foetus which go up to make their teeth, and it makes them rather brittle and discoloured, so I'd love to have spanking white teeth. I suppose one can, lots of American people do it, don't they? They have, what are they called, things - caps, and all that. Oh and I haven't got a hairline at the back of my neck. It's like a sort of relief map of Addisababa and I would like to have a nice straight line at the back of my neck. Twelve. I: What is the worst name someone has called you to your face? T: To my face? I can't remember that. I had a threatening message the other day after I had just done a charity gig. Someone left a message on my answerphone saying 'you're going to doe, you mother f----- (censored by the programme). That could easily have been Esther Rantzen, or British Telecom, or the Samaritans. I don't know. But I thought it was a bit strong. Can't remember any personal abuse, or maybe I've just deliberately erased it. Thirteen. I: Who is your best friend? T: I don't have a best friend - I have a group of friends, mostly outside of showbusiness, whom I have had since, sort of, university and school, whom I would regard as my best friends. I won't give any names as they won't mean anything to anyone, and even if they did, I still wouldn't because that's private. Fourteen. I: Reveal a secret about Josie Lawrence. T: (laughs a lot) Erm, I don't know Josie that well. I think it would be a bit naughty if I did know any secrets about her. Oh, except that I did once visit her flat, not the one she's in now, and it was done up entirely in a sort of nightmareish pastiche of a 50s bad furniture. Almost like a strange version of an early episode of 'Bewitched'. So that took me back a bit. Hope I'm not giving anything away, Josie! Three. I: Does your endless enthusiasm ever get on your own nerves? T: (laughs) Who said I was endlessly enthusiastic? I'm not all! That sounds a bit like Jeremy Beadle. I don't think I am endlessly enthusiastic. Often I think I'm - especially sort of over of the past few years, if programme projects come up or anything like that - I often sound a note of slightly wary pessimism. Seven. I: If you were bug, where would you plant yourself? T: Oh I'm sorry, I thought you meant some kind of little cockroach or something. Where would I plant myself? Ooh, heavens above...of course, one's tempted to say in the telephone of the people you regard as your closest friends so I can hear hear their conversations and hear what they really speak of me. SELF ANALYSIS: I: What question are you glad you weren't asked? T: Are there any disadvantages in not wearing underwear? I: How would you have answered? T: (laughs a lot) Erm, no there aren't! Not that I can think of. I: Who would you like to see in the 'Star Test' chair? T: Who would I like to see in the 'Star Test' chair? Whoever this voice belongs to. I: You are now invited to select five characteristics from the on-screen menu which you feel best illustrate your personality. (large menu appears on-screen) T: Oh God, erm...Paranoid. Shy. Approachable. Generous. Possessive. PHONE POLL RESULTS: (49% CLIP, 51% FORFEIT) I: The phone poll results show that the viewers do not believe all you have said. T: Damn! (Forfeit clip shown - THAT'LL BE CHARLIE NOW from WLiiA?, in which Tony is insulted by Mike McShane, who vomits every time he hears his name) I: Goodbye. T: Bye bye. (A LIVE production, 1991) Matt ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Message thread: Matt: Found it at last - the Star Test interview with Tony Slattery! :) (07-Jul-1999 19:57:58) Michelle: That's excellent, Matt. Thanks for transcribing it ! Would you mind if we add it to the Tony pages ? (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 22:45:43) Matt: Be my guest. What's the address? (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 01:53:40) Michelle: Ahh, bless the Noble Sir Matt :) ( http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Theater/2848/TonyIndex.htm ) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 23:51:27) Katrina: WOO HOO!! :o) That is so cool!! Thanks Matt, I printed it out (well DUH! It's about Tony :op) (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 23:22:32) DFW: Wow, that was long....and interesting. Thanks! (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 23:58:35) Molly : I forgot he was in For Me and My Girl. Does anybody know if it's on CD or audio cassette? I mean the version with him in it. (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 02:15:16) Matt: A bit of further info... (08-Jul-1999 02:35:53) Katrina : Hey, now I know his birthday, something I thought I would never find out ;o) (is it a bit scarey to think I have all this info on Tony now and can use it :op LoL) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 23:08:38) Jessie: Thank ye Matt :) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 08:46:59) Mark: Hmmm... strangely enough, I think I just added a discussion of this to the archives yesterday... coincidence? You be the judge. Or ask Clive. (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 09:22:46) TCS: Thanks, Matt :) hehe, now people will believe me for sure when I say what I saw [weg] (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 15:42:14) Michelle: Strange he wanted to be on 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E' as a kid, I always thought he looked like the guy on it. (n/t) (09-Jul-1999 01:48:46) Back to main board ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Prev Page Next Page Now viewing page 3 of 5 (09-Jul-1999 02:21:48 to 06-Jul-1999 09:31:21) [Image] Message subject: Name: (optional) Email address: (optional) Type your message here: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Back to main board ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Copyright © ITW Newcorp, Inc. 1997-1999 All rights reserved. [Image] [Image] Whose Board is it, Anyway? A bit of further info... Thursday, 08-Jul-1999 02:35:53 195.92.194.11 writes: During his CV, which detailed his birthdate and place (Park Royal Hospital in London, 9th November 1959), educational history (Gunnersbury Grammar School, London; Trinity College, Cambridge), starsign (Scorpio) and TV work ("Boon", "WliiA?", "Saturday Night At The Movies"), two photographs of Tony from his childhood were shown - one of him aged about six holding a football (soccer ball), and one aged about eleven, in his school uniform, holding some sort of award. He wasn't smiling on either! The categories of questions which Tony did not select were: Bread & Butter, Faith & Fortune, Health & Happiness, Power & Glory. The characteristics he did not select were Clumsy, Sincere, Naive, Domineering, Gullible, Flirtatious, Cunning, Crucial, Dastardly, Modest, Selfish, Sociable, Stubborn, Cool, Open. Interestingly, the opening credits to Star Test involve a series of quick changing graphics and camera instructions with a variety of different angles. These change at very rapid speeds - but if you press the Pause button at the right time on your VCR, you can read a challenge issued by Channel 4 staff to arrive naked at their studios and win some form of prize! Whether anyone ever did this I don't know. I discovered it by accident when the phone rang and I put the VCR on pause while I answered it - and found this message. I doubt many viewers will have noticed it - Star Test wasn't generally the sort of show you'd tape to keep. Matt ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Message thread: Matt: Found it at last - the Star Test interview with Tony Slattery! :) (07-Jul-1999 19:57:58) Michelle: That's excellent, Matt. Thanks for transcribing it ! Would you mind if we add it to the Tony pages ? (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 22:45:43) Matt: Be my guest. What's the address? (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 01:53:40) Michelle: Ahh, bless the Noble Sir Matt :) ( http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Theater/2848/TonyIndex.htm ) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 23:51:27) Katrina: WOO HOO!! :o) That is so cool!! Thanks Matt, I printed it out (well DUH! It's about Tony :op) (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 23:22:32) DFW: Wow, that was long....and interesting. Thanks! (n/t) (07-Jul-1999 23:58:35) Molly : I forgot he was in For Me and My Girl. Does anybody know if it's on CD or audio cassette? I mean the version with him in it. (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 02:15:16) Matt: A bit of further info... (08-Jul-1999 02:35:53) Katrina : Hey, now I know his birthday, something I thought I would never find out ;o) (is it a bit scarey to think I have all this info on Tony now and can use it :op LoL) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 23:08:38) Jessie: Thank ye Matt :) (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 08:46:59) Mark: Hmmm... strangely enough, I think I just added a discussion of this to the archives yesterday... coincidence? You be the judge. Or ask Clive. (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 09:22:46) TCS: Thanks, Matt :) hehe, now people will believe me for sure when I say what I saw [weg] (n/t) (08-Jul-1999 15:42:14) Michelle: Strange he wanted to be on 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E' as a kid, I always thought he looked like the guy on it. (n/t) (09-Jul-1999 01:48:46) Back to main board ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Prev Page Next Page Now viewing page 3 of 5 (09-Jul-1999 02:21:48 to 06-Jul-1999 09:31:21) [Image] Message subject: Name: (optional) Email address: (optional) Type your message here: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Back to main board ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Copyright © ITW Newcorp, Inc. 1997-1999 All rights reserved.