A magnificent room with many furnishings made by people with no legs and 50,000 arms, Enter Glyn and Kathleen. A door can be seen but not clearly.
Kathleen Dad did you cause this storm? Why did you do it? Because you know that it is Thursday and on Thursdays I put out the washing. Is it that funny thing in the sky shaped like a boot that has caused this storm. Oh poor thing so rocked about pitching and swaying so easily. To make such funny shapes. I mean one minute it was a shoe the next a pencil, the next a flying dodo, the next a flying figurine, porcelain I think. And then smashed so easily. Oh what poor soul it must have. Such torture.
Glyn Collect your senses and put them in a bank. Believe me there is no harm done. No harm at all. It has all been done for you child, who I believe to be ignorant of who you are nor knowing who I am, nor that I am more better than this wretch before you. Oh I did forget about the washing but that means nothing. My dear I think it is time that I shall tell you more of your past Give me your wrist and take this informer and pluck it into the jukebox. Wait a second...wait. Now step into this marvellous room which I just created.
Kathleen steps into the room. Room is large with many races in it, some ugly, some beautiful, a lighter shade of yellow is sitting by a table drinking a cup of dark blue. Humans are rare in this room as this is a restaurant whose specialties are human toast and pigs liver.
Kathleen What is this place? What are all these things?
Glyn Those things my dear are creatures from outer space. The place is where you were born. A place far far away, in fact a worm hole away and the time it takes for a second cousin or whatever to decide to visit the other half. Your mother and I looked after you over there in the corner...(she turns) no not there...there (he points). This place was once mine until that retch Ford Prefect came and took me over with his dud Galactic Express Card. I mean he came in one day and walked up to the bar over there and said I will have two Sinitram's and the joint please. The bar tender, a lovely triple bellied Methuselan, gave him a Sinitram (we didn't sell doubles) and sold him the whole of the restaurant for the whole total sum of one planet. After he had finished his drink he told me that Syawillim was his and that I should just sod off. He did go on to explain how a contract, that had been drawn up on his birthday, which by chance or evil fate is today, which he held in his hand said that when he turned 20 he had the right to own any bar that he fancied. As long as he was able to say "u88hgg6#é©Ä¨¶°¤°0" in Swahili before he turned 15. Unfortunately he was able to and he made the claim on MY restaurant and I had to give in. Ford banished me without much notice.
Kathleen Oh poor dad, what pity you must have felt to have your restaurant taken away from you. Was there not one to contest?
Glyn No my child not one, save Gonzo, out of charity, who placed me in a tin can marketh Tonka and gave me my books which he knew I prized above my bardom.
Kathleen But dear father I thought Syawillim was more dear to you than anything else.
Glyn No dear Kathleen, only in price it was. Books are more dear but what price can one put on books? None for they hold the knowledge of this world and knowledge is the most prized and dear of all prizes. Gonzo, such a kind bloke, after placing us in Tonka he set us adrift, to search out a place to settle.
Kathleen Alas what trouble I must have caused, I suppose Mum never taught you to change my diapers.
Glyn No my dear child, no trouble were you. Gonzo was clever and told me to take his favourite book "How to chase and change a babies diapers in 101 ways". A clever bloke indeed.
Kathleen How did we arrive at such a hole as this? (points outside room)
Glyn By goodly deeds and the kindliness of Gonzo who furnished us with scrapes from the previous nights meals, garments, TV's and that most remarkable of all books "The Hitchhikers Guide To the Galaxy". After sailing through many a nebulae and a few worm holes (aside) not a scary experience at all (end of aside) , we arrived by much luck and with the help of my trusty towel Clifford on this godforsaken land. The only reason we landed here in this place is because we ran out of fuel. Being here has given me the opportunity to teach you dear Kathleen of all knowledge that I can part to thee.
Kathleen Thanks dad for a wonderful tale but the question of why the storm, still beats in my head.
A shadow fliters in the background. The shadow is of Odo
Glyn By such cleaver luck, as befits a Lark to look pretty or by God's will those who took over my bar have decided to package it up in a brown paper bag and take it on a tour of the universe. They passed by here ever so close and the temptation was so great that I just had to invite them to come here. Ah but I see our prattling has made you tired, so I think it best that you sleep.
Kathleen sleeps
Glyn Come my servant, I am waiting. I did but see you flitter. Approach my Odo, come!
Enter Odo
Odo Hail, great master. Hail in the storm, I put. To answer any task you set me. Clean your shoes, you may ask and I shall. Give me any task, fly to the moon, go to bed on a freshly killed Squornshellous mattress and then wake up in the morning as freshly pure as a fly in a Gertusg web. I Odo are at your service.
Glyn Have you performed the task I set you, the one with the black hole and suddenly appearing asteroid belt?
Odo To every tincy little bit of the task. I boarded the ship, in the data banks. One moment in Memory next in the nose, in all the spaces, here in the telephone booth, there in Zaphod's brain, next itching Marvin's circuits, spilling tea everywhere. Making cups fly everywhere. Being a rubber duck, next a mouse. Flying all over the ship, smashing bottles, being computer paper. Making my self look like thousand hairy monkey giving opinions on a script for Hamlet which I asked 'Arthur could you help me write this'. Oh the laughs, the crashes into asteroids which I created myself, very well made (of styrofoam indeed), the anger, the blood. Oh did I tell you how I became a seat and then a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. For those aboard the ship I made the heavens move and there stomachs to turn into horrible images of penguins and funny shapes. (laughs)
Glyn My brave friend! Did you not confuse yourself with all this shape changing and being here there and EVERY where? And what of the black hole.
Odo Not a bit. The black hole was simple.I think it was fun for one and all involved.
Glyn Why, that sounds the way to do it. But were they not close to the surface?
Odo Close by, near my master.
Glyn But Odo are they safe?
Odo Not a angstrom perished they are as they were and ever shall be. On the belts, not a stain. As you commanded, most dear master, they are dispersed 'bout the planet. Marvin, I landed myself near a plain of parked cars, left to cool sitting in a position of abject guilt.
Glyn Of the Heart of Gold , is it safe?
Odo Yes, safe it is in the nook in the place where you told me to put Kathleen's washing when she had finished hanging it out and gone inside.
Glyn Odo, thy task I set for you has been performed exactly the way I wanted it. But don't relax there is more work. Till 6 this evening our time must be spent wisely.
Odo Is there more work? Since you have pained me so dear, with all that singing that you do and all those looong speeches, which bore the belgium out of everyone. Let me remind you of what you promised, which has not been given, my freedom and 2 pounds of klinkers.
Glyn Do you not remember the torment that I saved you from?
Odo No.
Glyn I do, nerh, nerh , newrh, nerh, so there. Do you not remember of the time when you were enslaved by the foul and awfully slimy Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, not to mention bad poet. Who with age and much swelling grew into a lump of Vogon. Have you forgotten.? Where was he born? Speak, prey tell. Once in every month must I give the same old speech to you about your beginnings. Well you are lucky, this time you will hear a tape of me telling you of your past. I taped it last time. Now go and stick this tape in the slot over there.
Odo takes the tape from Glyn and places it in a slot. Presses a few buttons, and the machine makes the following noises or something to the following effect Wiz bang perrr, brou. The tape is spat out.
Glyn Now look what you have done, I'll just have to tell you the whole thing again. No wait, you are in luck I wrote it down on this sheet and I think you can read it for yourself. Here take it and read. No don't just take it, keep it. While you are doing that I think I will just fix the tape machine thingy.
Odo takes the paper and reads, Glyn tinkers with the machine in the background, eventually it works. By now Odo has finished reading. As he fold up the paper and put it in his pocket, a bird flies by for no apparent reason and takes the paper from his hand. Glyn turns from the machine.
Glyn There that is fixed. You finished it.
Odo Yes I finished it, but I don't have it any more.
Glyn What! You don't have it anymore, what did you do with it?
Odo A bird took it.
Glyn What kind of an excuse is that "a bird took it".
Odo Well it did sir, I was just folding it up to put it in my pocket and then this bird plucked it from my hand and took it.
Glyn Ok. Enough said of birds. It looks like I'll have to write it down again for you next month. Odo you should be more careful of things.
Odo I thank you master for saving me from such a dreadful Vogon, not that there are any good Vogons.
Glyn If you make another murmur, I will send you into the total perspective vortex and you will know all about everything and even why that bird took the paper with your history on it.
Odo (farts) Pardon me master, I will do whatever you call me to do and Do my spriting gently.
Glyn Do so and I will set thee free in two days.
Odo Oh thank you master, thank you. What shall I do? Climb a mountain, eat a Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
Glyn Go make yourself into a wardrobe, and become invisible to no sight but mine. Go take this shape. Go. (Odo exits) Awake my dear Kathleen awake. Have you slept well had good dreams of fast swimming and synchronised drowning.
Kathleen (waking, bleary eyed, wipes sleep from eye) Your story put me to sleep.
Glyn Clear those eyes, and be fully awake. Come on. We'll visit Tmits, my slave, who never gives answers that makes sense and hates us. Why I can not figure?
Kathleen Tmits is horrible his speech is jumbled, he makes no sense, and he swears. He is not a sight I fondly love. (they both walk off and enter another door)
Glyn and Kathleen enter a room which is surrounded on all sides by corrugated iron. It is evident that it is raining as there is a deafening rain sound pelting down on the roof. Furniture in the room , save a old beaten-up armchair, an old scratched table, an old mattress, and a stove, is sparse. An old and slightly dead cat called "The Lord" .is lying at the feet of TMITS who is sitting in the armchair.
TMITS Pussy, pussy, pussy, coochicoochicoochioo... pussy want fish? Nice piece of fish... pussy want...
Glyn What gibberish! slave! You speak to a dead cat!
TMITS Is it dead or is it not dead. I don't know I have never asked it. Funny it never seems to eat the fish, but what is eat and what is fish. Puss a visitor or two, come to talk. Talk of good or bad. Don't want a visit do we? What is want? Visitors at all hours. Why? This my place or is it theirs but why do they visit so oft and command so oft? I want no visit. That's a command I think. Go away the lot of you. My time is now. Time a funny thing, ha...ha...ha...
Glyn What curses? I do not think it knows how to curse! Tonight TMITS you shall be cursed with the ploke. You shall speak gibberish and I shall sing you some poetry.
TMITS Why do you bother with me? This place is mine, left to me by The Lord (looks at the cat) Why do you take it from me? Does it matter, take, meaning not understood. Why take, why not leave? This place is mine by ownership? But you did teach me the name of big light and its lesser follower. You have made much of me? Much? Am I worth it? I? Time you spend or spent or will spend is a waste? Why me, my place it is. Taken by you for what, my slavery. Slavery? I showed you the planet, its streams its quarks and dark matter, but what do I get. Slavery, slavery, a shack. What is slavery? Enquiry, mystery, these things you taught me. Slave I am to you. You keep me shut in this shack, slave to your sick mind, away from my planet and land I once loved. But not know, love is lost as I know not what it is. Love?
Glyn You lying thing. Before I came you knew nothing, but now you know all and curse you try. You have no wit of your own. Save for your filth and misunderstanding. I gave you the honour of being my pupil, next to Kathleen.
TMITS Oh, ha! ha! This place is mine, you taught me yes. But this land I would have peopled with TMITS. My land, my place.
Glyn Horrible slave. No goodness will you take from anyone. You only see one side of the coin. You are only capable of cursing badly and misunderstanding. I once pitied you. Took pains to teach you speech, taught you each hour one thing or another: when you did not bite. I tried hard but deservedly your confinement to this room is set and deserved.
TMITS You taught me language, but did not explain what language is? Language I use, taught by you, is what I curse you in. Thanks.
Glyn A hag you shall be hence. Fetch us fuel and don't waste time. If you neglect my dutys you shall be cursed with the cramps.
TMITS No not the cramps. I must obey, his art is great and I am but a little man with an inquiring heart.
TMITS goes through door followed by Glyn and Kathleen
New Scene: a cornfield, with washing slung in a ball on a mat. Marvin is sitting unhappily in a corner by a stalk of corn.
Odo (sings, in the shape of a wardrobe.)
A boy-being floating in interstellar space,
Meets girl-being floating in interstellar space,
A silvery moon watches by,
Beaming bright, bright in the sky,
And brighter it beamed.
It beamed bright till it blew up,
Now boy-being and girl-being,
Are just particles in one's mind,
Until the end of the world.
Marvin How can anyone sing such a depressing song. Oh god I'm so depressed! Here I am the brain the size of a planet and all I am doing is just sitting here looking at that pile of washing. You know rock, (talking in direction of rock) there are 2.5 million molecules in that pile of washing (rock explodes for no apparent reason, Marvin is jolted and falls back) Ouch!. Oh don't bother me, it's fine for you to explode. What about me! Oh god! Music again. Depression, don't talk to me about depression.
Odo ( sings, invisible)
Below the decks depression reins,
Galley crew depression,
Its the only way to travel,
Forget alturian dollars,
Travel the universe in depression,
and so on...
Marvin The song seems to know my predicament. What enchantment! Oh! So mournful. I wish my diodes were better.
Glyn and Kathleen enter. Kathleen does not notice Marvin, Glyn taps on her shoulder, knocking her shoulder pad off. Kathleen looks.
Kathleen Ohh! What is it? What a depressing thing. How it looks about. Its a strange shapeÐbut 'tis a spirit.
Glyn No my dear, it talks and thinks, and comes complete with a genuine people personality. This thing you see before you was in the ship that crashed. He seems stained with grief, but there is beauty in him. This thing is a robot.
Kathleen I might, no in fact I shall call it divine, those curves are so ravishing and the eyes are so...
Glyn (aside to Odo) Oh fine Odo, a fine job. You're freedom is nie.
Marvin A beauty, something to make my circuits, do a flip. Oh know, watch Marvin old boy, you may over heat. Is this your planet my miss: How did I get here? I merely ask these things out of courtesy because I have a brain the size of a planet...but the big important question I can not answer is, Oh wondrous maiden are you real?
Kathleen I believe so.
Marvin And in english, I hate english it is so depressingly simple. I mean I speak 7 million languages even Belgium.
Glyn What, you speak that foul language, and swear. You say you hate english and yet you speak it.
Marvin Wellll, ahhh!...Tis the language you speak and understand, I mean whats the point of me speaking another language when you wont understand. Yes I do speak other languages but only when need arises or when my master Ford, expects it from me. Ah, my poor master, I saw with my own sensors explode into a thousand pieces. I suppose its quit depressing when you think about it.
Kathleen Poor man, mercy upon his ruptured soul.
Marvin But what has become of the others, Zaphod, Trillian, Arthur and Slartibartfast.
Glyn (aside) At first sight, love has crossed the eyes, what beauty is love. Odo you shall have your wish. (to Marvin) I fear you are out of your league.
Kathleen Dad, why you speak in such a rough and tumble voice. This is the third man I have ever seen. Please dad let sadness move you and let me have my way. You never let me have my way. Last week I wanted to play with your pet crocadile, all I wanted to do was tickle him, do you let me. NO.
Marvin Hey babe! Wanata push a few circuits, see the universe find out how depressing it really is.
Glyn (aside) One and the same in one and the others power. Trapped. But this I must unmake. But this is too easy for them both. I must make hard work for them. (to Marvin) You have been placed here on my planet to break my peace with Kathleen and are here by charged as being a spy, placed here by that wretch Ford, to take this planet as he took Syawillim. And for you Kathleen, this ain't no man but a robot, a automata.
Marvin A spy, no. A robot yes.
Kathleen Perhaps not a man, a robot, yes. But could one such as he have such ill as to take this place. In him is good.
Glyn Speak not for him, he is no more than a traitor. (to Marvin) I will cuff you leg to hand, and hand to elbow. You shall count higher than 1 up to a google. And if you do not enjoy these entertainments I will present to you one of my finest plays and you shall sing along with me upon such songs as "I have this lump on my elbow and it feels so good when you rub it in the direction of north so don't touch it in a southern direction my love".
Marvin No. Your entertainments do not tempt me. No I shall resist until you prove you are more powerful than I. (lifts a rock and attempts to throw it at Glyn but Glyn with his magical power stops the rock and it hits Marvin on the head and he falls unconscious).
Kathleen Oh father do not hurt, a retch in your eyes he may be but in mine he is divine.
Glyn (to Marvin) You try to hurt me. Hah! such a wimp. Kathleen, he is not one to love.
Kathleen I beg you dad, do not hurt...
Glyn My daughter you shall no more be.
Kathleen Dad, have pity, no you have taught me one and all can't disown me.
Glyn Quite! one more and ye shall be banished from this place. What, I see, you are an acomplice. Can you not see Kathleen that he is not the only one. There are more better shapes than he, you but only seen he and TMITS. Fool, weigh all the facts and see what is happening.
Kathleen My affections are simple. I have found love and thats the way it shall stay.
Glyn Oh come on child, I have argued with you many hours before, you know there is no way you can beat me.
Marvin (coming to ) That's it, a dream is all this is.
Glyn (aside) It is working. Come on. (to Marvin) You have done great Odo ! Follow me.
Kathleen Most kind sir, be of comfort, my fathers bark is worse than his bite. Woof.
Glyn You shall be free Odo, free but remember do my commands to the last letter.
Odo To the last digit.
Glyn Come follow we must be off. (sniffs)
All leave including the wardrobe/Odo.
Informer:A device used for holding information, rather like a hard disk but it holds much more. The largest known informer in the universe is The Great Oxford Dictionary of the Whole Known Universe. This is a dictionary (what a coincidence) which has every single word in it muttered by any intelligent being in the universe, gladly it does not include english as this was not ever spoken by a great intelligencia. INformer are also used by the Federation to hold hollodeck material.
Dark Blue: a drink which has the amazing effect of turning grey on a rainy day for no apparent reason, although some philosophers believe it does this in order to prove to the world that it is in fact a drink that has feelings and would just like to express them for the whole world to see.
Second cousin:This line has confounded readers of this play for many years as the concept of what or who is a second cousin is not fully understood.
Sinitram: A kind of reverse martini.
Joint: A phrase known across the Galaxy and any fool who doesn't know what it means should sit down and have a good think about where they fit into the scheme of things and go away and shoot themselves. If the fool in question feels that the later is more enjoyable they should go ahead and fulfil there wish.
A history lesson
This entry in that wholly remarkable book "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" is considered by some to be one of the most annoying in the whole book. This caused the editors to be greatly annoyed and they came to the decision that a new entry was required. The new entry was written and went something like this "Joint: Mostly Fun". Still people felt that this entry is too annoying so the editors decided to write a new one 'Joint: Mostly'. Many people do not understand this entry and the editors have decided that they will give up on this entry altogether and leave it the way it is.
Planet: a gutteral (as in gutter or more appropriately sewer) way of saying half a cent.
Syawillim: a restaueraunt, in the far reaches of the galaxy, right near the spot where a whole heap of matter did nothing of any consequence when the universe did the big firework, or at any time before or after. Some beings believe that Syawillim would have to be one of the most boring and useless places to have lunch, dinner or for that matter a hew-man, anywhere in the known universe (well that really depends on how much of the universe you actually know). It is for this very fact that beings go to Syawillim.
Gonzo: In case you are wondering where Gonzo fits into the whole scheme of things, please don't as he doesn't really.
Bloke: A species from the clandestine system of beta 9.
How to chase and change a babies diapers in 101 ways: If any reader is interested in getting a copy of this book try a good psychiatrist and the nearest Space Nursery chain as Caretakers.
Aside: Well how else do you indicate the end of an aside.
Clifford: Replicas of this very towel can be bought from HH Towels. PO Box 2LG, 36-38 Hanway St. London, W1A 2LG. Credit Card orders on 021 4494343. Buy one for a friend. End of free plug. Oh as a passing thought I suppose I had better tell you the price is œ14.95.
Kathleen's Head: We can only assume that Kathleen has a head ache and that is why she goes to sleep in a few minutes but wait I am getting ahead of the narative.
Flitter: How can one do that? If you have any idea of how one can, please feel free to write and tell me about this as many sleepless nights have been spent working out (yawn) how to flitter.
Odo: According to tradition Glyn was the creator of Odo the shape changer on this very planet which is the setting for this very story. It may be remarked that the character of Odo in this narrative is a little different to the way he is portrayed in DS9. This is done because this narrative takes place before his discovery by the Bajora in the Denorios Asteroid Belt. No explanation will be given here as to how he came to this spot in the universe.
Lark: A great big ugly looking creature who always feels ugly, especially when you are blind. It is fitting here to note that you should never let a Lark serenade you with "I feel pretty ". Come to think of it never let it serenade you with anything at all.
Squornshellous mattress: It is impossible to put a mattress from the swamps of Squomshellous to death only to put it to sleep. This triumph of the spirit can only be done while reciting Tolstoys "War and Peace" backwards and in a upside position hanging from the ceiling. Having done all this you can never be sure that the mattress is actually asleep.Some interesting cases of death by mattress have come recently to the Pan Galactic courts in Urasure 7 beta. As the cases are so lengthy and require a good nights sleep on a good clean mattress I will not put you the reader through such a ordeal. However I, the writer will say that the court proceedings are just as therapeutic as counting sheep.
Gertusg: a mythical creature to which no one has any knowledge of be it size, weight or fetshes.
Heart of Gold telephone booth: Yes the Heart of Gold has a telephone booth. Many of the designers of the Heart of Gold did not like the idea of a telephone booth in the middle of a ship. It did not fit in anywhere with any of the guidlines they were taught in 'intergalactic ship design' classes. These designers were shot and thus there criticisms were gotten rid of forever. Just after the Heart of Gold was stolen by that double headed space (OK! Zaphod calm down I won't say Monkey I'll say ahhhhh...) wastril (any explanationfor the meaning of this word would be most helpful) Zaphod Beeblebrox one of its designers was interviewed and this strange question "Why a telephone booth?" to which the designer responded with rapid Killo-zap fire art.
Hairy monkeys: What other types are there? I hear you ask. Please don't as I would have to list them all and then write a few paragraphs on them and then explain there eating habits and the way that they take over banks debts and deposit them in savings accounts and then cash them for no apparent reason.
Belgium: Oop's a swear word, will it escape the critic's tongue or just the censors.
Klinkers: a kind of lolly given to all beings as a kind of comfort. Especially used by hitchhikers when they don't have there towel. (This wholy interesting footnote is brought to you by Cola Coka makers of refreshing products).
The Note on Odo: Due to an unfortunate accident this note which explains the complete origins of Odo does not exist for reasons which will be apparent in a moment and will not be fully explained as an explanation is not completely possible.
The Lord: died recently due to a lack of stimulation.
Ploke: a terrible afliction in which all hair falls off and arms start growing in its place and the owner of the afliction speaks gibberish about the Universe and becomes a member of the Philosophers Union.
Being's in space: Song used by permission of Disaster Area. Words and music written by Personal "not yours but 'is" Body Guard.
Depression Song: This song has nothing to do with Disaster Area, it is in fact written by that marvelously coal seeking rock band "Great Time".
Marvin's enchantment1: I suppose this is a bit out of character, but who cares stranger things will happen.
Marvin's enchantment2: This really is quit out of character BUT my theory as to why Marvin is acting like this is because the transference through the black hole jolted him so badley that some of those painfull circuits down the left side have totaly given up and died. Thus making Marvin a changed android. If you are depressed over this new Marvin please take your depression somewhere else.